Ash vs Evil Dead

Ash: Thirty years ago, I found the Book of the Dead.

Now, because I read from the book...

Misartra.

...evil has found me.

- (screams) - (chainsaw revving)

Ash: All roads to destroying this evil

lead to where it all began... the cabin.

- Let's go back there and end it all. - You know I'm down.

The sooner this book is six feet under, the better.

Here's the plan-- shoot first, think never.

Whoa.

That didn't work.

Present the book to me, and we'll finally end this.

- Pablo! - (groans)

- You have no idea what you're doing! - Of course I know what I'm doing...

I wrote this book.

Your stupid mortal toys mean nothing to me.

Take the deal and go back to Jacksonville.

I am offering you the undo button you wanted.

Normal life, in Jacksonville, the three of us?

- I can do that. - Truce.

- (music playing on radio) - Yeah. (laughing)

Whoo!

Jacksonville, here we come.

Mama.

I have fought with Attila the Hun and Genghis Khan...

and this type shit is my only hope?

Oh, fuck. What a mess.

- (cheering) - (music playing)

- Jacksonville, I love you! - All: We love you, too!

I know you do. Hey, I love me, too.

Ah, Jefe.

You know, you don't have to call him that anymore, Pablo.

'Cause now, he's just water trash, like everyone else in this town.

Especially non-tippers like you, buddy.

- Yeah, thanks. - Hey, come on, Kel.

Ash did what he had to do. He saved us.

And left Ruby in charge. You know what?

I don't trust that bitch as far as I can throw her.

Kelly, there's someone wanting to pay.

Pull.

Looking good, Eli.

Hey, sailor.

- I had fun last night. - I think I remember that.

- This is my daughter Hannah. - Oh, how nice for you to meet me.

Can I, um, touch it?

My God...

How does it work?

Uh, well, I think it's pretty obvious.

Ladies, I'm gonna be honest with you,

I'm not drunk enough to know if this is good weird or bad weird.

- But I'll get there, though. - (laughs)

F...

- Whoa. - (clamoring)

Oh, shit!

My God...

I left the windows down in the Delta.

- (roars) - Whoa!

Hey, hey, timeout. You're not supposed to be here.

Ash!

Didn't you get the memo? There's a truce!

Talk to Ruby, she sent us.

- Ah! - Balls to the wall!

Your truce is over, Ashy Slashy.

What did you call me?

Ashy Slashy hatchet and saw,

takes your head and skins you raw.

Ashy Slashy heaven and hell,

cuts out your tongue so you can't yell!

What the fuck is this?!

Shoot it in the head!

_ (Scream- ' No! mg)

Jefe! Your blade!

- Give me your eyes! - (screaming)

Don't you wanna fuck me now?

Ah...

Get off me!

I think we're good, Kel.

Fucking skank.

You will die like all the others.

One by one, we will take you. All of you!

Ladies first.

Well, I guess it's safe to say the truce is over.

Told you Ruby couldn't be trusted.

We gotta put our little thinking caps on and do something.

Yes! You know I'm in.

I have been waiting to kick her ass.

Yeah, amen to that.

But how? Ruby could be anywhere.

I know where she is.

Ruby is in Elk Grove, Michigan.

- That's my hometown. - Okay, that's a very specific guess.

The Deadite gave it away with that song.

That damn song.

All right, we're gonna go to Elk Grove,

we're gonna find Ruby,

and I'm gonna bury that Kandarian Dagger

deep into her strangely beautiful neck and kill her where she stands.

We'll be back in Jacksonville by Friday.

Pablo, first round of 'ritas is on you,

- because... - Oh!

Because it's the drink of my people.

That's a little racist, don't you think?

Well, yeah.

Kelly: Sinkholes are still being reported.

And look at this!

Kenward County, violent crime and murder

up 200% from this time last year.

Yeah, Ruby's evil's seeping everywhere.

All right, we need a sketch of her to show the people in town.

- Pablo. - I'm on it.

So, uh, why so long since you've been home?

Oh, who drank all the beer?

- I got it. - Um, you.

Your bladder must be ready to explode.

- Ash: Oh, please. - (demonic groaning)

I've been whizzing the whole time.

Boy: Do it! I dare you!

- Chicken. - Don't say that.

3°!!! Run!

Ashy Slashy's coming to get you!

You think Ruby's here? In a crack house?

No... this is my house.

Or at least it used to be.

Oh...

it's-- it's... nice.

- Your parents still live here? - My parents died a long time ago.

Just, um, give me a sec.

Pablo: I've never seen the Jefe like this before.

Whatever happened in this town seems to really haunt him.

- Look at this creepy fucker. - Where?

He was right... Dude, he was right there.

- Ah! - Oh, shit!

Asshole!

- Oh! - You come here to rob me, punk?

- Think I won't fight back? - I'm not robbing you.

- Ashley? - Hello, Dad.

Been a long time.

You look, uh...

old.

- Bloated like a sack of... - Yeah, I get the idea.

- How you been, Pop? - What do you want?

Nothing. Can't a guy come and see his own father?

- What the hell is that? - Oh, it's, um, an utility hand.

A friend made it for me. Check it out.

- I'm better, stronger. - Faster?

- Yeah. - Bullshit.

Looks like some piece of crap made in China.

- Kelly: What was that gunshot? - All right, put the guns down.

- What is going on? - You got a green card, kid?

Kelly, Pablo, meet my father.

Whoa, filthy and fine.

Brock Williams, but you can call me "Cock."

- He's your father all right. - Um...

thought you said your dad was dead.

Dead? He's the one that died, not me.

Uh, we were sort of dead to each other.

- What have you done now? - Nothing.

We're just looking for someone. Pablo.

I drew most of it while the car was moving, but...

- You're looking for Bigfoot? - It was a bumpy ride.

Okay, you know what, forget it. You don't wanna help, that's fine.

- Some things never change. - Still the victim with you, huh?

Always somebody else's fault.

Somebody else made you go to that cabin.

- Somebody else chopped your hand off. - Uh, no, I did that.

- Somebody else killed your girl. - No, I did that, too.

Come on, Dad. You know exactly what happened.

Why didn't you set those people straight?

Because you should have.

Instead, you let 'em beat you down

and you ran away with your tail between your legs.

Thank God your mother wasn't here to see that.

I did what I had to do.

Ashley, it's taken me a long time to get my life back together.

I think it's best that you and the illegal here just leave.

Kelly, would you like to have dinner with me?

That's a hard pass.

Get out.

Let's go.

Man on radio: Oh, blitz on McNabb.

Somehow he...

Elk Grove... hasn't changed a bit.

- What's the plan? - We split up, ask around.

YOu!

You ruined my life.

- I've ruined a lot of people's lives. - Here, man, I got some change.