Ash vs Evil Dead

* Summa Nura.

Ash.

Ruby is in Elk Grove, Michigan.

My hometown.

Ashley? Pablo, Kelly,

meet my father.

You said your dad was dead.

Uh, we were sort of dead to each other.

Ever since Ruby put that book on my face,

I've been having nightmares, but they happen while I'm awake.

Where is The Necronomicon?

I'll never tell you.

Night-night.

My children have turned on me.

Help me retrieve The Book, and send them back to hell.

Let's go save the world.

**

* Volare

* Oh, oh *

* Cantare

* Whoa, oh, oh, oh

* Let's fly, way up to the clouds *

* Away from the maddening... Whoa.

Mm, man, looking good.

Looking sweet.

[ car approaches, brakes screech ]

Jesus!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

That cyborg hand of yours got something against

knocking on doors? Sorry, Dad.

Just going up to my room.

It looks like you found Bigfoot.

Why you still here?

Uh, we just, uh, got to take care of some business.

Just a couple of days, then I'm gone.

Oh, for Christ's...

no more horseshit about demons.

What difference does it make? You wouldn't believe me anyway.

Look, Pop, I know you don't want me here--

You're the one that ran off like a scalded dog,

left me here alone.

Yeah, news flash.

I wouldn't have, if you stood by me.

Oh, so it's my fault because, what?

I didn't give you enough hugs?

Sack up, sunshine.

Now look, I know that I'm not the son you wanted,

and I know that Elk Grove would rather have a hero

who doesn't live in a trailer,

and doesn't have a boat load of cold sores,

but too bad!

I am your son,

and I'm the only hero Elk Grove has.

[ Kelly and Pablo clearing throats ]

Ah, except those two.

Ah, yeah, the jury's out on her.

All right, here's the deal.

My lady's on her way over here.

I'm going to be up to my elbows in cheesecake real soon.

And when your "business" is done

well, you know where the door is.

Great Dad, thanks.

Oh, and by the way,

"Bigfoot" has a name.

It's Ruby. Oh, is that so, Ruby?

Well, tell your story walking.

I'm done conversating, time for some fornicating.

Ooh.

Ash?

I want to get out of here!

Help me, Ash!

Shut it off.

Look at me!

Ash! Ash! Ash!

You okay? What's that?

Another LSD moment?

Oh, man. I told you, dude.

Florida LSD,

not to be fucked with.

Got to trust me on this shit.

Yeah, got to be careful.

Oh, sweet room, Jefe.

Yep, lot of good memories in here,

and there.

It looks like it hasn't changed in--

30 years, that's right.

When I left this place back then,

I left behind everyone, and everything I ever knew.

Poor fella.

Guess he didn't have the heart to carry on without me.

Or the food.

Come on, guys. We don't have much time.

You've seen how powerful my children have become.

Wait.

Your children?

Those things came out of me.

Oh, relax, you're not the father,

just the portal for their rebirth.

Are you saying Pablo is a vagina?

You need to take this seriously, missy.

My spawn pose an existential threat,

such as the world has never seen before.

They're not only more powerful,

and more intelligent, and dangerous.

Okay, yeah, got it. They're big, mean, smart.

Just tell us where they are,

we'll go spank their naked butts.

Nope, we got to retrieve that Necronomicon

before they get their hands on it.

That's all we have to be concerned about right now.

This is easy!

We'll be back in the Sunshine State

before you can say Fort Ticonderoga.

Where'd you put it?

* Dip it low

Ah.

* Ow!

* Down, harder

* Ow!

* Down low

* Drop this...

The best hiding place you could think of,

was a fucking corpse?!

Dead flesh masks the scent of The Book from the Spawn.

So in terms of quick thinking, not the worst idea.

We could argue worse ideas all day long,

believe me, time to put on our dancing shoes.

Hold up.

Family meeting.

Not you.

I don't trust her, Jefe.

She's hiding something.

Agreed. Something's funky.

Because if she's some kind of half-demon,

immortal badass, why does she need us?

Look, I would trust a blind proctologist more than her,

but you know the deal.

Unless you have a better plan?

Leave her here with me while you guys go get The Book.

I'll figure out what she's not telling us.

Yeah, I don't think that's such a great idea.

I got this.

Trust and believe I'll carve her up

like a Halloween pumpkin if she even looks at me funny.

Damn, Pablo.

Badass.

Not so much of a vagina now, am I?

Well, actually, vaginas are powerful and life-affirming.

So technically, you're more of a vagina now

than you've ever been.

She's right, buddy.

And I couldn't be prouder.

Sorry, lady. You're riding the pine today.

Pablo, and his friend Mr. Kandarian Dagger,

would like a word.

No, no, no--

It wasn't a question.

You want your book back, that's how it happens.

Fine.

Just, uh, don't touch any of my stuff.

Except to tidy up.

Seriously, don't let her touch any of my stuff.

Except to tidy up.

Mm, must be hard coming back.

Confronting your past,

and all your many mistakes, and bad decisions.

Holy pickle dicks,

it's Lillian Pendergrass!

What's a Lillian Pendergrass?

That beautiful creature right there.

I'd know that caboose anywhere.

Are you having a stroke?

Hey, you say that now, back in the day,

Lillian Pendergrass was a smoking hot

former gymnast turned Phys Ed teacher.

You know what I'm talking about?

She wore these tiny, little polyester shorts.

You know during the summer,

when you find that perfect peach?

Your next words better be "the end,"

or I will shoot us both.

Me first.

I'll give you the abridged version.

I boned her in the back.

Good for you.

She's going to the house.

She must've heard that I'm back in town.

Oh, no!

Well, sorry Lillian.

Tool time's going to have to wait,

because Dad's got a job to do. Hello.

Looking good. Oh, oh, hey.