The Big Bang Theory

So, what you're eating is not technically yogurt.

It doesn't have enough live acidophilus cultures.

It's really just ice milk with carrageenan added for thickness.

- Well, that's very interesting. - It's also not pink and has no berries.

Yeah, but it doesn't really answer my question.

- What was your question again? - Do you want some?

Ah.

- Right. No. I'm lactose intolerant. - Right.

- So gas. - Yeah, got it.

Well, good night.

- What are you doing? - There was a draft.

I didn't feel a draft.

- Why don't we just go into your...? - Oh, yeah.

Maybe we should slow things down a little.

No, I didn't mean to go into your apartment to go fast.

No, I know.

I know what you meant. It's just this is only our first date.

Okay. Sure. No problem.

Why don't we just figure out where we're going...

and when we want to get there?

And then rate of speed equals distance over time.

Solve for R.

Or we could just wing it.

That might work too.

- Good night, Leonard. - Good night.

He's coming. Screen saver.

Oh, hey, Leonard.

- How was your date? - Bite me.

Sheldon, how could you just sit there and let them spy on me?

They were clever.

They exploited my complete lack of interest in what you were doing.

You should thank us. When future generations try to determine...

why your relationship with Penny crashed and burned...

this right here is the black box.

What are you talking about? The date went fine.

She said she wants to slow things down.

Okay, so she said she wants to slow things down.

It's like saying, "I'm really enjoying this meal.

I'm going to slow down and savor it."

No, it's like, "This fish tastes bad...

So I'm gonna slow down and spit it out."

- You being the fish. - I'm not the fish.

Oh, really? Did you make a second date?

- Well, no. We sort of decided to wing it. - Oh, even I know that's lame.

Okay. All right. Let's assume your hypothesis.

We went to dinner, we talked, we laughed, we kissed.

Where could I have gone wrong?

Think back, Leonard. The littlest things can set women off.

Like, "Hey, the waitress is hot. I bet we could get her to come home with us."

Or, "How much does your mom weigh? I wanna know what I'm getting into."

- I didn't say anything like that. - Good, because they don't work.

They don't care for it if you stare at them and hyperventilate.

Sadly, that's my home-run swing.

Look, everything went fine.

I didn't even have to refer to my impromptu conversation starters.

That woman across the hall is into me.

Let's go to the tape.

Look at her reaction to the good-night kiss.

No change in respiration, pupils undilated, no flushing of the chest.

Nice close-up, by the way.

Interesting. Her jaws are clenched. No tongue access.

Clearly a bad sign amongst mating humans.

That's not a bad sign.

Please. You might as well have been two iguana with no dewlap enlargement.

And the worst sign of all is you're here and not there.

I'm not there, because I'm taking things slow.

Which, by the way, compared to you guys, approaches warp speed.

And take down that camera.

He was a lot more fun when he had no hope.

Give him time.

- Hi. - Oh, hi, Penny.

Yeah, FYI, the hot water is inadequate on Machine 2, so colors only.

Four is still releasing the fabric softener too early in the cycle.

- So I'd avoid using that for your delicates. - Thanks.

Well, good Lord.

Why don't you just take your clothes down to the river and beat them with a rock?

Sheldon, may I ask you a question?

I would prefer that you not, but I won't go so far as to forbid it.

All right, I heard "yes," so...

Okay, here's my question:

Has Leonard ever dated, you know, a regular girl?

Well, I assume you're not referring to digestive regularity.

Because I've come to learn that such inquiries are inappropriate.

No, I meant has he ever been involved with someone who wasn't a brainiac?

Oh! Well, a few years ago...

he did go out with a woman who had a Ph.D. in French literature.

- How is that not a brainiac? - Well, for one thing, she was French.

For another, it was literature.

So...

Do you think that if Leonard and I keep dating...

he'll eventually get bored with me?

- That depends. - On what?

Do you have a working knowledge of quantum physics?

No.

Do you speak Klingon?

No.

- You know any card tricks? - Okay.

I get it. Leonard has no business being involved with a waitress/actress...

who felt so insecure, that she lied to him about finishing community college.

Why would you lie about that?

He was going on about this college and that grad school...

and I didn't want him to think I was some kind of stupid loser.

You thought the opposite of "stupid loser” was "community-college graduate™?

There are a lot of successful people in this country...

who are community-college graduates.

Yeah, but you are neither.

Right. Okay, look, this is between you and me.

You cannot tell Leonard any of this.

- You're asking me to keep a secret? - Yeah.

Well, I'm sorry.

You would've had to express that desire before revealing the secret...

so that I could choose whether I wanted to accept the covenant of secret-keeping.

You can't impose a secret on an ex post facto basis.

What?

Secret-keeping is a complicated endeavor. One has to be concerned...

not only about what one says, but about facial expressions, autonomic reflexes.

When I try to deceive...

I myself have more nervous tics than a Lyme disease research facility.

It's a joke.

It relies on the homonymic relationship between tick, the bloodsucking arachnid...

and tic, the involuntary muscular contraction.

I made it up myself.

Okay, look, if Leonard finds out that I lied, I will absolutely die of embarrassment.

- Physiologically impossible. - Oh, Sheldon, please.

Look, I'm asking you as a friend.

You're saying that friendship contains within it...

an inherent obligation to maintain confidences?

- Well, yeah. - Interesting.

One more question. Perhaps I should've led with this:

When did we become friends?

I.e., I couldn't become Green Lantern...

unless I was chosen by the Guardians of Oa.

Given enough startup capital and an adequate research facility...

I could be Batman.

- You could be Batman? - Sure.

I'm Batman.

See?

- Hi, guys. - Hey.

- Hi, Penny. - Hey.

If you're not doing anything Friday night, I thought we could go see a movie.

You know, I think I have the dinner shift on Friday.

- Okay. What about Saturday? - You know, I'm not sure.

The manager hasn't posted the schedule. How about I let you know?

- Great. - Okay.

So you just let me know when you know. Okay, so... Oh, God, I am the bad fish.

- What did I do wrong? - Why are you asking me?

I have no information about your interactions with Penny...

nor do I have any method of learning such things.

What does that mean? - Nothing.

You seem to be implying a back channel between me and Penny...

- where, obviously, none exists. - No, I didn't.

I just think you need to be careful how you phrase things, sir.

- What's going on with you? - Well, I might ask you the same question.

Why do you drag me into matters which have nothing to do with me...

but exist between you and Penny, a person to whom I barely speak?

What's wrong with your face?

There's no reason to bring my looks into this.

- Good day, Leonard. - What?

I said, good day.

Good day?

Also today we have a fresh-caught Alaska salmon...

served with a teriyaki glaze and sticky rice.

- Our soup of the day... - You must release me from my oath.