The Big Bang Theory

If a photon is directed through a plane with two slits in it and either is observed...

it will not go through both. If unobserved, it will.

If it's observed after it left the plane, before it hits its target...

- it will not have gone through both slits. - Agreed.

What's your point?

There's no point, I just think it's a good idea for a T-shirt.

- Excuse me. - Hang on.

One across is Aegean, eight down is Nabokov.

Twenty-six across is MCM.

Fourteen down is...

Move your finger.

Phylum, which makes 14 across Port-au-Prince.

See, Papa Doc's capital idea, that's Port-au-Prince.

Haiti.

- Can I help you? - Yes.

Um, is this the high-1Q sperm bank?

If you have to ask, maybe you shouldn't be here.

I think this is the place.

- Fill these out. - Thank you.

- We'll be right back. - Oh, take your time.

I'll just finish my crossword puzzle.

Oh, wait.

Leonard, I don't think I can do this.

What, are you kidding? You're a semipro.

No. We are committing genetic fraud.

There's no guarantee our sperm's going to generate high-1Q offspring.

Think about that.

I have a sister with the same basic DNA mix who hostesses at Fuddruckers.

Sheldon, this was your idea.

A little extra money to get fractional T1 bandwidth in the apartment?

I know. And I do yearn for faster downloads.

There's some poor woman who's gonna pin her hopes on my sperm.

What if she winds up with a toddler who doesn't know if he should use...

a differential to solve for the area under a curve?

- I'm sure she'll still love him. - I wouldn't.

Well, what do you wanna do?

- I want to leave. - Okay.

- What's the protocol for leaving? - I don't know.

I've never reneged on a proffer of sperm before.

Let's try just walking out.

Okay.

- Bye. - Bye-bye.

Nice meeting you.

- Are you still mad about the sperm bank? - No.

You wanna hear an interesting thing about stairs?

Not really.

If the height of a step is off by as little as two millimeters...

- most people will trip. - I don't care.

Two millime...? That doesn't seem right.

It's true. I did a series of experiments when I was 12.

My father broke his clavicle.

Is that why they sent you to boarding school?

No. That was the result of my work with lasers.

I go ahead and smile.

New neighbor?

Evidently.

Significant improvement over the old neighbor.

Two-hundred pound transvestite with a skin condition? Yes, she is.

Oh, hi.

- Hi. - Hi.

- Hi. - Hi.

Hi?

We don't mean to interrupt. We live across the hall.

Oh, that's nice.

No. We don't live together. I mean...

we live together, but in separate, heterosexual bedrooms.

Okay, well, guess I'm your new neighbor.

- Penny. - Leonard. Sheldon.

- Hi. - Hi.

Hi.

Well...

Oh, welcome to the building.

Oh, thank you. Maybe we can have coffee sometime.

- Oh, great. - Great.

- Great. - Great.

Well, bye.

- Bye. - Bye.

Should we have invited her for lunch?

No. We're gonna start season two of Battlestar Galactica.

We already watched the season two DVDs.

Not with commentary.

I think we should be good neighbors.

Invite her over, make her feel welcome.

We never invited Louie/Louise over.

Well, and that was wrong of us.

We need to widen our circle.

I have a very wide circle.

I have 212 friends on MySpace.

Yes, and you've never met one of them.

That's the beauty of it.

I'm gonna invite her over.

We'll have a nice meal and chat.

Chat? We don't chat, at least not off-line.

Well, it's not difficult.

You just listen to what she says...

and then you say something appropriate in response.

To what end?

- Hi. Again. - Hi.

- Hi. - Hi.

Anyway...

we brought home Indian food...

and I know that moving can be stressful...

and I find that when I'm undergoing stress...

that good food and company can have a comforting effect.

Also, curry's a natural laxative and I don't have to tell you that, you know...

a clean colon is just one less thing to worry about.

I'm no expert, but in the context of a lunch invitation...

you might wanna skip the reference to bowel movements.

Oh, you're inviting me over to eat?

Yes.

Oh, that's so nice. I'd love to.

Great.

So, what do you guys do for fun around here?

Well, today we tried masturbating for money.

- Okay, well, make yourself at home. - Okay.

- Thank you. - You're very welcome.

You're very welcome.

This looks like some serious stuff. Leonard, did you do this?

Actually, that's my work.

Wow.

Yeah, well, it's just some quantum mechanics...

with a little string theory doodling around the edges. That part's just a joke.

It's a spoof of the Born-Oppenheimer approximation.

So you're, like, one of those Beautiful Mind genius guys.

Yeah.

This is really impressive.

I have a board, if you like boards. This is my board.

Holy smokes.

If by "holy smokes," you mean a derivative restatement of the stuff...

you can find scribbled on the wall of any men"s room at MIT, sure.

- What? - Oh, come on.

Who hasn't seen this differential below "here I sit brokenhearted"?

At least I didn't have to invent 26 dimensions just to make the math come out.

- I didn't invent them. They're there. - In what universe?

In all of them, that is the point.

Do you guys mind if I start?

- Penny. - Yeah?

That's where I sit.

So sit next to me.

- No, I sit there. - What's the difference?

- What's the difference? - Here we go.

In winter, that seat is close enough to the radiator to remain warm...

yet not so close as to cause perspiration.

In the summer, it's in a cross breeze created by opening windows there and there.

It faces the television at an angle that is neither direct, discouraging conversation...

nor so far wide as to create a parallax distortion.

I could go on, but I think I've made my point.

Do you want me to move?

- Well... - Just sit somewhere else.

Fine.

Sheldon, sit.

Ah.

Well, this is nice. We don't have a lot of company over.

That's not true. Koothrappali and Wolowitz come over.

Yes, I know.

Tuesday night we played Klingon Boggle until 1 in the morning.

- Yeah, I remember. - I resent you saying we don't have company.

- That has a negative social implication. - Isaid I'm sorry.

So...

Klingon Boggle?

Yeah. It's like regular Boggle, but in Klingon.

That's probably enough about us. So tell us about you.

Me? Okay.

I'm a Sagittarius, which probably tells you way more than you need to know.

Yes, it tells us that you participate in the mass cultural delusion...

that the sun's position relative to arbitrary constellations...

at the time of your birth somehow affects your personality.

Participate in the what?

I think what Sheldon's trying to say...

Is that Sagittarius wouldn't have been our first guess.

Oh, yeah, a lot of people think I'm a water sign.

Okay, let's see, what else?

Oh, I'm a vegetarian.

No, except for fish, and the occasional steak. I love steak.

Well, that's interesting.

Leonard can't process corn.

So do you have some sort of a job?

Oh, yeah.

I'm a waitress at The Cheesecake Factory.

I love cheesecake.

- You're lactose intolerant. - I don't eat it, I think it's a good idea.

Anyways, I'm also writing a screenplay.

It's about this sensitive girl who comes to L.A. from Lincoln, Nebraska...

to be an actress and winds up a waitress at The Cheesecake Factory.

So it's based on your life.

No, I'm from Omaha.

If that was a movie, I would go see it.

I know, right?

Okay, let's see, what else?

I guess that's about it.

That's the story of Penny.

Well, it sounds wonderful.

It was.

Until I fell in love with a jerk.

What is happening?

I don't know.

Oh, God, you know, four years I lived with him.

Four years. That's like as long as high school.

It took you four years to get through high school?

I just... I can't believe I trusted him.