The Big Bang Theory

So how does this work? I throw it like a real ball?

Yeah, nice and easy, right over the plate.

All right.

You suck, Wolowitz.

What's that about?

I'm heckling you. It's a beloved part of baseball.

He's right. Given that you're probably still waiting...

...to be picked for a game in fifth grade, I'm sure you do suck.

- Hi. What's going on? - Baseball.

Okay, this is not what I meant when I said go outside and play.

- He's practicing. - For what?

The Angels wanted an astronaut to throw out the first pitch. So guess who they called?

What? You? Really?

Well, a lot of people who weren't available, but then me.

That's so cool. Congratulations. I guess that makes you the athlete of the group.

Well, not just him. May I remind you that you're talking...

...to the seeker, beater, chaser and water boy of the third place Griffith Park Quidditch team.

Watching your boyfriend run around with a broomstick between his legs...

...isn't something you forget.

- Come on. Now, throw one. - All right, here we go.

You look like a jackass!

- Cut it out. You're hurting my feelings. - Now you know why we're not outside.

Did you enjoy my lecture?

No, and neither did our waiter.

If you're going to serve Cornish game hen...

...you should be familiar with the history of Cornwall or be prepared to learn it.

It's hard to argue with that.

And I know because I saw a sad man with a pepper mill desperately try and fail.

- Hey. How was dinner? - Good, I had Cornish game hen.

Oh, that poor waiter.

- Sheldon, how about tomorrow we see a movie? - You guys are going out two nights in a row?

I missed a number of date nights while I was on my train trip.

I'm contractually obligated to make them up under the terms of the relationship agreement.

That's so hot.

It's better than hot, it's binding.

Aw.

You are aware that a double date doesn't count as two dates.

Oh.

Well, then come or don't. I don't care.

Can't believe you're sore.

Hey, even professional pitchers need a rubdown after the game.

They throw an actual ball. You were throwing air at a TV.

For your information, I also gave Leonard one hell of a high five.

I'm surprised you agreed to do this in front of a stadium full of people.

Well, they're doing Space Day and NASA asked me. I felt like I couldn't say no.

Okay. If you want, I could help you practice. I played a lot of softball growing up.

Thank you, that would be great.

While we're at it, maybe we can butch up your run for when you head to the mound.

What's wrong with the way I run?

Just kidding. Nothing.

Sheldon, I'm surprised you'd choose to go to a pub.

At our committee meeting, Amy made a motion for a picnic in a park...

...but I tacked so many amendments on that thing it sank like a lead balloon.

I then suggested a pub.

Yeah, which I was initially skeptical of until I saw online that they serve Yorkshire pudding.

You don't like Yorkshire pudding.

No, it's yucky, but informing people about the history of Yorkshire is yummy, yum, yum.

After a lively debate, that proposal passed by a two-zero margin.

Nice to see a busy couple keep the spark of bureaucracy alive.

Ignore them, Amy.

They're just jealous because they'll never have a relationship as good as ours.

Isn't this when he says "bazooka" or something?

I wasn't making a joke...

...I was merely stating facts.

Amy and I have a superior relationship to yours.

You don't honestly think that, do you?

Leonard, I assumed you knew.

The ranking of relationships in our circle, by quality...

...is me and Amy, Howard and Bernadette, Raj and his girlfriend...

...Penny and chardonnay, Penny and you.

There isn't any ranking.

And if there were, we wouldn't be at the bottom of it.

Yeah. And actually, I drink sauvignon blanc.

That's the part you have a problem with?

Relax.

There they go, fighting again.

You'd never hear her talk that way to sauvignon blanc.

So you never played baseball as a kid? Not even Little League?

I was going to, but the day of tryouts I found my dad's Playboy collection.

Threw my arm out.

All right, the pitcher's mound in Major League Baseball...

...is 60 feet, 6 inches away from home plate.

Great. You take this and say when to stop.

- How much further? - Keep going.

- How about now? - I'll let you know.

Are you saying "stop" and we're just too far away to hear you?

Okay, stop.

Are you kidding me?

That's 60 feet.

There's no way this is 60 feet.

I'm looking at it.

You realize this isn't one of those times I want you to exaggerate how long something is.

Okay, I gotta... I just... I gotta ask.

What makes you think your relationship is so wonderful and ours isn't?

For starters, we enjoy spending time together.

So do we.

And I've seen you guys ignore each other for hours doing totally different things.

It's called "parallel play."

Yeah, toddlers do that.

Not as well as we do.

Can you believe this guy? He has to be the best at everything.

So what? Why do you even care?

Oh, listen to them. Not even married and the honeymoon's over.

Whatever. You can't even go on a date without checking your relationship agreement.

If you've got a problem basing a relationship on a contract...

...I'd like to tell you about 13 plucky colonies that entered...

...a relationship agreement called the U.S. Constitution.

And it may not be cool to say so, but I think that love affair is still pretty hot today.

It's a good thing I'm not wearing flag underwear right now because there's about to be a fire.

What?

Okay. It's not that hard. You just look to where you wanna throw it...

...step towards where you wanna throw, and throw it.

That's your help? That's like saying, "Here's how you fly a plane...

...get in the airplane, know where you wanna go, and fly it."

Just throw the ball. Let's see what we're working with.

Come on, Howard, fire it in.

Throw the damn ball!

So when do you guys plan on getting married?

We're not sure. But I want to wait long enough to prove to my mother I'm not pregnant.

- May I have one of your fries? - Of course.

Can I have a bite of your burger?

Absolutely not.

Some perfect couple. He won't even share food with her.

It has avocado on it. She's allergic to avocado.

Are you so jealous of our relationship you want Amy to die?

I'm not jealous. I just think it's silly for you...

...to compare relationships like they're something that can be quantified.

Everything is quantifiable.

That french fry? A seven.

Spider-Man? A nine.

The number nine? Oddly, only a four.

- How ridiculous is he? - A hundred.