The Big Bang Theory

It's amazing people keep coming

to comic book stores

instead of just downloading comics digitally.

It's probably for the best.

For a lot of these guys, the weekly trip here

is the only chance their mom has to go down

to the basement and change their sheets.

Oh, that reminds me, I get fresh sheets tonight. Yay.

Well?

What do you think of New Comic Book Night?

Magic, huh?

Sheldon, I'm disappointed.

As a brilliant man,

you're entitled to a vice.

I could understand frequenting an opium den

or hunting your fellow man for sport.

But this? Lame-o.

Well, A) Comic books employ storytelling

through sequential art,

an medium that dates back 17,000 years

to the cave paintings of Lascaux,

and B) You play the harp.

Like that's cool.

Can I help you find anything?

A comic that depicts a woman whose bosom

can't be used as a flotation device.

Sorry. Most of the guys

who come in here like big boobs.

Couple of them have big boobs.

Hey, look, the new

Warlords of Ka'a expansion pack is out.

A new one? Unbelievable.

They just keep making up more cheesy monsters,

slapping them on cards and selling them at 25 bucks a pop.

It's like a secret tax on guys who can't get laid.

They're not even trying.

Remember the Satanimals pack with the Hellephant?

Why, absurd.

What was he, a bad elephant who died and went to hell?

What could an elephant

possibly do that would cause him eternal damnation?

"Wild West and Witches"?

What kind of loser cares about a showdown

between Billy the Kid and the White Wizard of the North?

A total loser.

Obviously, a guy with a six-shooter

beats an old man with a magic wand.

Well, h-hold on.

Uh, what if the wizard casts

a Helmet of Confusion spell on Billy the Kid's cowboy hat?

What? Please!

This is Billy the Kid we're talking about.

I mean, the wizard would get shot between the eyes

before he could ever get out the words,

"What the hell is Billy the Kid doing

in the mystic realm of Ka'a?"

Leonard...

What's the deal with Sheldon's friend Amy?

Are they a couple?

Couple of weirdos. Why?

You interested in Amy?

Well, I mean, she didn't look through me

with soul-sucking, ball-shriveling

hatred and contempt.

I like that in a woman.

Could you run it by Sheldon if I could ask her out?

Sure. I guess.

Stuart, settle an argument for us.

Who would win,

Billy the Kid or the White Wizard?

If I tell you that,

I'm robbing you of the hours of fun you could have

for the magical, rootin'-tootin' low price of $24.95.

I'll take one.

Mm... make it two.

I hate all of you and myself. Three.

I'll ring it up.

Like shooting nerds in a barrel.

Hey, can I talk to you about something?

It's a little awkward.

I know what this is about.

Given the professional standstill you're at,

you're wondering if this is the appropriate time

to abandon your research and focus on teaching.

Yes.

And if I may suggest,

consider changing disciplines.

Yeah, to the humanities-- perhaps history.

One of the advantages of teaching history

is that you don't have to create things.

You know, you just have to remember

stuff that happened and then parrot it back.

You could have fun with that.

Yeah, that's not it.

Stuart's kind of interested in Amy.

Oh, of course he is. She's very interesting.

Did you know, when she was 14,

she severed the webbing between her own toes?

No.

He wanted me to find out

if you'd have a problem with him asking her out.

I'm not sure how to respond, Leonard.

I don't own Amy.

Can't own a person.

At least not since...

1863.

President Lincoln freed the...

Slaves! Come on, Leonard,

if you're going to teach history,

these are the kind of facts you'll have to know.

You know what? Never mind.

I'm going to tell him it's okay to ask her out.

The question is moot.

There is no way that Stuart,

an impoverished peddler of picture books,

would be at all appealing to Amy Farrah Fowler,

a noted neurobiologist

capable of performing surgery on her own feet

with nothing but nitrous oxide

from cans of whipped cream as anesthesia.

All right, but for the record,

I checked in with you to see how you'd feel about it.

Fine. The record shall so reflect.

Now, getting back to the problem at hand,

what to do with a washed-up experimental physicist...

I am not washed-up.

Oh, Leonard.

Lots of people love you and want to help you,

but they can't until you admit the problem.

Well, ladies, we killed the bottle.

I had half a glass.

I didn't have any.

Okay, don't judge me.

So, what do you want to do--

go to the movies, go dancing, lay down for a little bit?

Or we play... Travel Twister.

Amy, really? Twister?

Excuse me. I've passed many

an enjoyable evening playing this game.

And I'm sure it's a lot more exciting

when you play with other people.

What do you say, bestie? We can do shirts and skins.

I'm shirts. Called it.

I'm too small for Twister.

And roller coasters.

And sitting with my feet on the floor.

Hope you enjoyed the prenatal cigarettes, Mom.

Hey, you know, my mom smoked pot

when she was pregnant with me, and I turned out just fine.

Hey, look, I have peach schnapps.

Thank God.

Guys, something happened.

What's wrong?

I think a boy likes me.

"Hi. It's Stuart.

"We met at the comic book store.

"I was wondering if you'd like

"to get coffee sometime.

"It's okay if you say no.

"It might be the kick in the pants I need

to start taking Zoloft."

Amy, little vixen.

Just working it under all those layers of wool and polyester.

What are you going to do?

Doesn't he know you have a boyfriend?

Oh, she doesn't have a boyfriend;

she has a Sheldon.

So do you like Stuart?

I don't know.

He's nice.

He's funny.

He has the sallow, drawn countenance

associated with an overactive thyroid gland.

That's kind of hot.

Okay, look, sweetie, we all love Sheldon,

but you've been with him over a year now.

If it's not going anywhere,

what does it hurt to look around?

Well, yeah, I guess they're not engaged

like me and Howie.

Yeah, for what it's worth,

engaged people can look around, too.

Lot of options out there.

Where's Stuart?

Out.

Who are you?

I'm Dale.

He left me in charge.

Really?

Yeah.

I don't get it, either.

I want to return this "Wild West and Witches"

Ka'a expansion pack.

Sorry. I don't do returns.

They're hard.

Sure, sure.

Uh, when will Stuart be back?

I don't know. He went out for coffee.

With a girl.

Oh, I guess I was wrong.