The Big Bang Theory

One dumpling left. Who wants it?

Maybe you should offer it to the pregnant lady.

And that would be?

Me, Sheldon, I'm obviously pregnant.

Well, you never said it to my face,

and the last time I assumed a woman was pregnant, it did not go over well.

Yeah, I'm still mad at you.

You were drinking water instead of wine,

what was I supposed to think?

Sheldon's right. I would never ask a woman if she was pregnant

unless she tells me, or I see a human being wiggling out of her.

Well, Sheldon, I'm pregnant.

Congratulations! How far along are you?

About three months.

Only three?

Good gravy, how many babies are in there?

Okay, let's talk about something that won't infuriate my pregnant wife.

I read an interesting fact about elephants.

Try again.

Oh, I've got something. I'm being interviewed on public radio this Friday.

Oh, cool. How come?

The university's trying to get more funding for the physics department,

so they want me to go out and talk it up.

Really, you?

Well, they picked the right person for the job.

Thank you.

I think he bought it.

Hi, I'm Ira Flatow, and this is Science Friday.

Joining me today is my guest physicist Doctor Leonard Hofstadter,

to talk about all of the exciting research they're doing at Caltech.

Thank you for having me. Whoa.

I never get used to hearing myself in headphones.

Is that really how I sound?

It is, it is.

That is good to know.

I told him his voice was annoying, he didn't wanna listen.

Hey!

What, you're saying it's not?

Just, hey.

So it has been five years since the discovery of the Higgs boson.

What's the next big thing gonna be?

Wow, that's hard to say, there's so much going on.

We've been collecting tons of data

that could revolutionize the way we understand the universe.

Uh, for instance, there's a particle called a squark,

which could prove supersymmetry!

That is interesting. Have you found it?

- What, the squark? - Yes.

No, no.

Wouldn't that be exciting?

But we're also looking for the selectron,

the gluino, and the neutralino.

- And have you found that? - No.

But, uh, fun side note,

I went to high school with a girl named Theresa Gluino.

But it didn't cost two billion dollars to find her.

She was smoking behind the gym.

So, what have you found?

Um, nothing actually.

Should he be saying that?

Probably not.

Yeah, this is public radio.

Doesn't he realize dozens of people might hear him?

But, I remain confident.

We've got the best equipment, and the best minds all working on it.

Okay, sounds like he's back on track.

Although, some days I'm like,

"Ugh, we've spent so much money.

Why haven't we found anything? What are we doing?"

Oh, boy.

There's Leonard. I bet he's having a rough day.

Let's just try to be supportive.

Supportive?

He publicly maligned the love of my life, Lady Physics.

Might not want to mention that to Lady Fiancée.

Hey, guys.

- Hey. - Hey. How's it goin'?

Pff.

What? You got something to say?

I think I just said it.

P.F.F.

Pff.

- I... - Look, I, I was just speaking the truth.

Yeah, we're scientists, isn't that what we're supposed to do?

Oh, what would you know about the truth?

You thought Phantom Menace was "not half bad."

I told you that in confidence!

Okay, calm down, everybody. Just cool it.

No, let 'em go. If we get lucky, maybe one of them'll start crying.

Can we just drop this and have lunch like adults?

- Sure. - Very well.

- Leonard? - What?

Pff.

- You ready for lunch? - Oh, one second.

Ooh, someone's got a lot of fancy new lab equipment.

I know. The university's been throwing money at my study.

With any luck, there'll be a brain disease with my name on it.

Fingers crossed.

Which is ironic, because if you had Fowler's Palsy,

you wouldn't be able to cross your fingers.

I'm surprised Sheldon's not up here playing with all your new toys.

Actually, I haven't told him about it.

We've been getting so much more funding than physics,

he's been a little sensitive.

So you're just gonna hide your success from him?

I know, am I terrible?

No, I do that too!

Howie thought my company retreat was in Boise.

It was in Tahiti.

That's such a relief.

I mean, part of me was worried I was being unfair to Sheldon.

Take that part of yourself and hide it away.

Just like I did with last year's bonus check that I "didn't get."

- Ms. Davis, you wanted to see me? - Yes, Doctor Hofstadter, come on in.

Should I sit or stand?

I'm not used to being called into the Dean's office.

Please sit.

I have to say, I'm a little nervous.

You should be.

Look, I know I screwed up.

But it was only one interview.

How much damage could it have caused?

Would you like for me to read you the emails

from donors asking why are they giving us money

if physics is a dead end?

I didn't say it was a dead end.

I just said that I was worried it might be.

So, if I just said I was worried you might not have a job next week,

how would you feel?

Light-headed and glad you asked me to sit down.

Okay, just tell me what I can do.

I'm gonna need you to make a statement saying that you misspoke,

and that you're confident the physics community

is close to a major breakthrough.

You want me to lie?

Look, Doctor Hofstadter, I'm counting on you.

I think that you are the smartest physicist at this university.

- Really? - See? Lies. They're not that hard.

- Hi. - Hello.

Oh.

Looks like you've been busy.

Oh, I have.

Dark matter, reconciling gravity and quantum mechanics,

supersymmetry.

I figured out the biggest problems in physics today.

Wow, you solved them all?

No, I just... I figured out that they're the biggest problems.

Is this about what Leonard said on the radio?

Uh, absolutely not.

And I do not want to talk about Leonard.

Can we please just talk about anything else?

We could talk about my day.

Walked right into that one, didn't I?

Well, since you sort of asked,

I actually had a very good day.

I got some new equipment for my lab.

Well, congratulations.

I got some new equipment, too.

I got these markers.

They smell like fruit,

which I did not notice when I bought them.

Don't really care for it.

Here, drink this.

It might help.

- What if it doesn't? - No, that's why I brought the bottle.

No one would talk to me in the halls, they just glared at me.

It's like high school all over again.

Oh, I would totally do high school all over again.

But that doesn't help you.

I got called into the administration office.

Ooh, look at my bad boy getting called to the principal.

We don't technically have a principal,

there's a standing committee that oversees the budget.

Ooh, look at my bad boy answering questions nobody asked.

Oh, come on, look, you said a few dumb things on the radio.

What is the worst that could happen?

I may get fired.

Okay, well, even if you did, you could find another job.

Yeah, who wouldn't wanna hire the physicist

who publicly said physics is dead.

Well, I wouldn't put that under special skills.

Look, I can fix it. I just need to write a retraction I don't believe in.

Basically sell out to keep my job.

Great, I'll leave you to it.

Hmm.

Hmm.

Oy.

Sheldon, it's me.

- What? - Look, I know you're mad,

but I have to write a statement

that says the physics community is close to a breakthrough.

And since you actually believe that, I could really use your help.

- Sorry, I can't. - Come on, don't be like that.

I can't, because I think you were right.

- What? - Look,

not all science pans out.

You know, we've been hoping supersymmetry was true for decades,

and finally we built the Large Hadron Collider,

which is supposed to prove it by finding these new particles,