The Big Bang Theory

This is nice, that we all get to eat together.

Absolutely.

Can we maybe put the phones down and have an actual human conversation?

We can, but thanks to Steve Jobs, we don't have to.

Guys. Guys, you're never gonna believe this.

- What happened? - I just got a part on a TV show!

- That's great! Congratulations!

- Guys! - Oh, yeah!

- Yay, Penny! - What's the show?

NCII, or, you know, NCSTD...

I don't know, it's...

It's the one with all the letters and I'm gonna be on it!

- That's amazing! - Yeah.

- What's your part? - I play a customer in a diner

and I flirt with Mark Harmon.

Ooh, Mark Harmon, he's a dreamboat.

- So it's just flirting? - Well, yeah. Why?

No reason. I just think it's sexier

when things are left to the imagination.

He's wrong.

So I read a study that says a man with a dog

is three times more likely to get a woman's phone number.

Is it true even when the man lets his dog

lick peanut butter off his tongue?

I don't see why not.

If you're really desperate to meet women

and like having food eaten out of your mouth,

I could set you up with my mom.

Why is that funny?

That's just unhygienic.

- It's a joke. - I don't think so.

I believe that a joke is a brief oral narrative

with a climactic humorous twist.

For example, Wolowitz's mother is so fat

that she decided to go on a diet,

or exercise, or both.

See? The twist is that people don't usually change.

Well, they don't.

Hey, guys, don't forget, my episode's on TV tomorrow night.

- We'll be there. - Can we bring anything?

Oh, that's so sweet of you, but I was gonna steal food from here.

You know, my treat.

Wait, if Howard's mother is coming, then you should also steal marbles.

Because she's obese, and hippos are obese,

and in the popular board game Hungry Hungry Hippos, they eat marbles.

Maybe I need to dumb these down for you.

- Leonard, do you think I'm funny? - No.

- Do you? - I think I'm hysterical.

I take it back. That was funny.

The philosopher Henri Bergson says it's funny

when a human being behaves like an object.

I bet that bit killed at The Chuckle Hut.

Oh, he didn't perform stand-up comedy, he was a philosopher.

You know, I think we're zeroing in on your problem.

Perhaps I'll spend some time

developing a unified theory of comedy,

which will allow me to elicit laughter from anyone at any time.

Unless they're German, 'cause that's a tough crowd.

Are you set on people laughing with you?

'Cause if you're cool with at you...

I don't get it.

Raj, when you said you were gonna bring a date

to watch Penny's thing tonight, I didn't think you meant Stuart.

Really? I never for a second thought it'd be anything else.

I almost met someone last night, but I blew it.

I was walking Cinnamon and this girl introduced herself,

but she was so cute I panicked and said,

"Wouldn't it be easier if instead of talking

we could just sniff each other's butts?"

Well, Stuart's cute in his own way.

When I was a baby, my mother called me her little possum.

- Are possums cute? - Not at all.

If you're so intimidated by talking to attractive girls,

maybe you should practice by talking to regular people.

You mean like fatties and uggos?

Or maybe just stop talking.

I'm serious. Go to the mall, talk to anybody, practice.

That way, when you eventually do talk to a cute girl,

- it won't be so scary. - Or just keep dating the possum.

Parsa doesn't have those kind of resources.

No, and that's why he had Erin Pace rewire it...

I'm so proud of you.

We haven't even gotten to my scene yet.

I know, but you're going to be a TV star and you haven't left me yet.

That takes guts.

I don't know about you, but I'm very uncomfortable with all this.

- Why? - I've never seen this show before

and now I'm starting with episode 246?

It's unnatural.

Just think of the first 245 as the prequel.

All right.

Okay, shh. Guys, guys, this is it.

I guess it's you and me, kid.

- What are you doing? - I'm trying to make peace.

- We're good. - Good.

- Are you kidding me? - What's wrong?

Well, the diner scene. Where's my diner scene?

Don't ask me. Until I see the prequel, I'm lost.

No, there was supposed to be a big scene with me and Mark Harmon,

but it's... gone.

- What happened? - They must've cut it.

Oh, Penny.

I'm... I'm sorry.

- That stinks. - I'm sure you were great.

This doesn't make any sense. I mean, I...

I thought I did a really good job, I...

Excuse me.

I've been studying how to make people laugh.

They say that comedy is tragedy plus time.

- Let's tickle some ribs. - No!

No, Dad, I don't think they cut me out of the show

because I was too pretty.

No, I don't need you to come out and kick Mark Harmon's ass.

Daddy, I gotta go. I love you. Bye.

- How you doing? - (GROANS) This is such a disaster.

My parents had all my relatives over.

They got one of those six-foot sandwiches,

and got my brother a day pass out of rehab and...

now he's missing and the sandwich is missing, and...

They're probably in Mexico by now. So humiliating.

You still got the part. That's a huge accomplishment.

But this was supposed to be my break, okay?

People were gonna see me in this show

and it was gonna lead to bigger things.

More auditions, more parts. Now none of that's gonna happen.

Honey, you only had three lines. That wasn't gonna happen anyway.

Unbelievable. - Oh, come on.

- That's not what I meant. - Then what did you mean?

I don't... You know, words don't always have to mean things.

I think you meant that you don't believe in me.

Nope. Uh-uh. I might not know what I meant,

but I know that I didn't mean that.

Not this guy. Oh, no way.

I want you, right now, to give me your 100 percent honest opinion.

Do you think I have what it takes to really make it as an actress?

- Yes. - So you think I'll be on TV

and in movies and win awards.

- Honestly? - Yes, honestly.

- I don't. - How could you say that?

I don't know... I got all confused when you said "honestly."

Oh!

Look, do I think that you are talented

and that you are beautiful? Of course I do.

But isn't Los Angeles full of actresses

who are just as talented, just as beautiful?

Look, we'll come back to that.

No, please. Don't stop, go on.

Tell me how I'm gonna be a waitress for the rest of my life.

That is not what I said. Look, I think you're really good.

I truly do.

But this is an incredibly hard thing that you're shooting for.

I mean, the odds of anyone becoming a successful actor

- are like a million to one. - Wow, thank you.

Should've let Sheldon come.

This is interesting.

Apparently, a key component in some forms of humor

- is the element of surprise. - Well, that makes sense.

The prefrontal cortex is responsible

for planning and anticipation,

- and patients with brain lesions... - Brain lesions!