Bad Teacher

Breakfast, breakfast. In you go, in you go.

Oh, James Pfaff, standardized testing day.

Everybody eats breakfast.

- I already ate breakfast. - Then have an orange juice.

Well, I find orange juice to be the most pedestrian

of the major juices.

James, your voice is changing,

things are gonna get not-cute fast, okay?

I'd suggest you dig deep

and find a less annoying personality.

Now go do these flash cards at your table.

Now go.

Hmm. Taking these tests pretty seriously.

Did three ghosts visit you last night?

Yeah, well, maybe I just want my kids to score well

so they don't become gym teachers.

Yeah, I'm sure your commitment has nothing to do

with the end-of-the-year bonuses

that teachers get based on the scores.

Don't you have a test?

Oh, sorry, that's right... nobody cares about gym.

Um, ever heard of the Presidential Fitness Test?

The president cares.

The president.

Oh, Joel.

My sweet, dumb, hot Joel.

I need to talk.

Carla is coming.

Your ex-wife, Carla?

Yes, Carla, Carla.

She works for the state testing agency.

She's gonna be proctoring the tests all week.

You know, I met Carla when she was giving a test.

I asked her out on a Scantron sheet.

It was A) very romantic.

B) weird. Or C) sad.

Oh, no, you're right. It was D) two of the above.

I'm a wreck. I haven't seen Carla in months.

You can do this.

Look, I haven't spoken to my ex since I moved out,

but Ray's been texting me.

And you're just telling me this now?

Well, I haven't told anyone.

But I am your best friend. What does he want?

To cheat on his new girlfriend.

I guess.

Look, I've dreamed of him crawling back to me,

but I have not responded to him once.

You didn't text back?

Very strong.

Our exes don't have power over us anymore.

Boom! I have a plan. Let's go.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

Ooh!

Now the Goodwill won't take it back.

I'd better hang up,

don't want to make the president jealous.

Sorry. That was, uh, Michelle Obama.

She called to congratulate me on a job well done.

Boy, can she talk.

God, you're inspiring.

Can I have your autograph?

Can I have your handprints in wet concrete?

Will you be my new dad?

Let me check my schedule.

Carl?

Carla?

The board told you I was coming.

I guess it slipped my mind.

Yeah, right.

Can you get me coffee?

Starbucks. A real venti.

I know you ask for a Grande in a venti cup.

Thank you.

Stay strong.

Like I did with Ray.

Yes, Carla. I'll get you coffee.

It's something about our exes.

They always have power over you.

Not Ray.

Don't fool yourself.

And a not-stale blueberry scone.

I got to go.

Okay, everyone.

Today begins standardized testing week.

Schools are made and unmade during this time.

Just go ask Roosevelt Middle.

Or, as they now call it,

the parking lot behind Costco Express.

This is our testing agency rep,

Carla Gaines.

Now, you might notice that she and I have the same last name.

- That is because... - Actually, it's Allen.

It's Carla Allen now.

Oh, so you went back to your maiden name.

I thought you always liked Gaines.

People say it has a regal quality.

Regal?

Your family was sued for bootlegging Sprite.

Okay, Carla will be proctoring the exams.

Okay, I know no one likes testing.

I love testing.

Standardized tests are my hobby.

I am part of an online enthusiast group.

Oh... you're one of them.

Oh, I get it.

Some of my best friends are odd white people.

All right, for those of you who are not familiar

with the testing world because you actually have lives,

here are the headlines:

give the kids pencils and your job is done.

Folks, we're starting with social studies.

What-what!

Ree-Ree.

How was Ferret Nationals?

Any hooking up?

Oh, well, Francis met a pretty sexy sable

with pointed tips...

Oh, you meant me.

Uh, yeah, but you watched ferrets have sex, didn't you?

No... no.

If that video is on your phone, delete it.

And let's grab a coffee while I'm here this week.

Irene. So,

you stayed friends with Carla even after the divorce?

You saw how much she hurt him.

Oh, well... I... I mean, I met Carla before I even knew Carl.

We're in a fantasy league together,

fantasy school board league.

I won the whole thing last year.

Superintendant Charles was a beast.

Irene, you have to pick a side in a breakup.

You're either with Carl or against him.

Oh, okay, fine, fine, but I just...

I don't even know how I would break up with Carla.

Oh, I have broken up with lots of friends, I can help.

Okay, good. This is gonna come as a surprise,

but I have not done a lot of breaking up in my life.

I'm a little odd. My grandma used to say,

"You're a weirdo, Irene. Save your money".

Mine, too.

Ah.

So, how'd your kids do on the test?

They said it was easy.

I'm proud of them. They worked hard.

I mean, I made them work hard, so I deserve all the credit, but still.

I think those little dummies really came through.

Ooh. I'd say slow down,

but I prefer you get drunk and do something you'll regret.

Like a gym teacher?

Maybe. It's been a while.

Yeah, you've been with ol' Puffy Vest Janet.

I mean, how warm does her torso need to be?

We were late, and you don't

want to ask for directions 'cause you said, "If I can't

find my way to a Luther Vandross concert,

what kind of black woman am I?é

Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Two Dark 'N' Stormies.

Your drink is a Dark 'N' Stormy?

- Yes, and, unfortunately, type of woman. - Good to know.

You brought Carla?

I hope you're not falling into old patterns.

No way. Tonight I'm paying.

Wow, that's a lot of texts.

It's, uh, it's Janet.

I'm not gonna respond.

Ugh. Just break up with her already.

I'm trying. I was hoping she'd just get the idea.

You need to be direct but kind.

Janet, you're super annoying

and I can't stand to look at your face anymore.

Bye!

Oh, and who's texting you?

Wha... Ray? Your ex-husband?

Yes, but I haven't texted back.

First because my phone got turned off,

but now because I'm not interested.

Then why haven't you responded?

Hoping he just gets the idea?

This is nothing like Janet, okay?

- We were married and in love. - And he cheated on you.

Okay, I'll make you a deal:

you tell Ray to stop texting you

and I'll break up with Puffy Vest.

So, deal?

Deal.

Great. Meet at my place in an hour. Naked.

For sexy reasons.

But also because my AC is broken.

Oh,

I missed that.

And this.

Well, what can you say?

I'm pretty great.

Don't you have any normal food here, like vodka?

I broke up with Janet,

you told Ray off.

Let's drink the cheap stuff.

Vodka in a plastic bottle?