Bad Teacher

_

Thank you for coming in, Meredith.

I'm so, so sorry about the divorce.

Yes, well, Ray cheated on me. As you know.

Anyway, let's just cut to the chase, Howard.

What's my divorce settlement?

You get nothing.

- Wait, what? - You signed a...

prenuptial agreement.

I get nothing?

- I advised you to get your own lawyer. - No car?

No house?

No second house?

- But I loved Ray. - Or his money.

- How dare you? - You'll be fine.

*** Franck and I are so sorry to hear about the d-i-v-o-r-c-e.

Your ex-husband's an idiot.

You stay in the guesthouse for as long as you want. We got cable,

we got wi-fi, and a semi-private bathroom.

***

I've got nothing, Brie.

No money, no car, no plans for the future.

Then could you pick Lily from school tomorrow?

Super! That's a plan.

Your stepmom sent me to get you.

That's what child molesters say.

Don't flatter yourself.

I'm Brie's friend, Meredith.

And it's a long walk, so you better have something interesting to share.

My social studies teacher got fired today.

She was dating Coach Kotsky but he broke up with her.

So to get back at him, she hung pictures of his private *** over school.

- Uh-uh. - There is one, it's so gross! Blah.

_

Nice Coach "Hotsky".

Wait...

what's up with all the cute dads?

Oh, on Fridays, all the divorced dads pick their kids up for the weekend.

So... single dads,

in luxury vehicles?

I need one of them to hit me, and then hit on me.

Maybe you should just get a job.

Oh my God.

Lily, that's it!

I should get a job teaching here.

Wait, do you even know how to teach?

No, but I'm sure I can friend some Asian teacher to cheat off of.

Thank you very much Mei Lin Chung.

- You're divorced? Me too. - Oh no.

Pretty recently.

I did not see that coming, at all.

- And it is hard. - So hard.

- So much crying. - Oh so much.

- So much, right? - So much, right?

I don't have anyone to talk to.

So I just try to throw myself into my work,

which is much better than pouting around my studio apartment.

Using my telescope to watch my neighbor sleep.

Hey,

you can talk to me.

I'm gonna put this as an emergency hire.

You are more than qualified and can I tell you something?

You get it. I want you on my team.

Not riding the bench.

- Carrying the ball. - Oh...

And,

- I can't wait to hear your Chinese. - (Chuckles)

It's pretty rusty.

Welcome to the Nixon *** family.

Thank you.

- Morning Meredith. - Good morning Principal Carl.

- Oh I'm so glad you are here. - Aww.

This weekend was so hard for me.

I ate 47 English muffins pizzas.

Never filled me up. Everyone...

here is our new social studies teacher, Meredith...

- Davis. - ... Davis.

- (applause) - Thank you.

There's a fight, by the lockers.

Ginny, get this thing started.

No cops, no cops!

Ok people.

We are about to start our staff meeting, so settle.

Ok. We need monitors for Safety Patrol.

Any heroes?

Irene! Do I see your one manicured hand in the air?

- Oh, actually I do have to exercise after school... - Great!

- Oh no no, it's required by my doctor. - Perfect.

We will see you later.

All right, who's gonna help out Irene?

There is a small stipend.

- Oh, I'll do it. - Super!

Hey, hey.

What, you're not gonna say hi?

Joel, Kotsky. Well now, Coach Kotsky.

Now, you may have seen my penis on a flyer.

And... you know, we went to high school together.

- I don't really remember you. - I was in that grunge band, Cement Heart.

- You, uh... slept with our drummer. - Well, it was high school.

- I slept with a lot of drummers. - Ah, that explains it.

- You know, I played the bass. - Hello!

Ginny Taylor-Clapp, two-term faculty president.

And, this is Kim, my student teacher.

- Nice to meet you. - Remember,

your ears are your best learning tools, Kim, ok?

This is our teacher's handbook.

Great *** in there, on start times,

- dress code, etc... - Hum...

you know, you can save the drill. I think I got it.

It's like pretty standard stuff, right?

No running, no glass, no horseplay, no chicken fights.

Those are pool rules.

Meredith, wait up.

- So, I heard you married some rich guy. - Yeah, I did.

- Wait, he sells boats or something? - Yachts.

- Well, those are just big boats, right? - Yeah. To you.

I'd ask what you've been up to since high school

but I see you're a gym teacher, so that sort of tell me everything I need to know.

What? That I'm awesome?

- Yeah. - Hey.

I'm Irene. We didn't meet.

Thank you so much for teaming up with me.

Uh, I have bills to pay.

You know what, Safety Patrol is gonna be so fun.

We get badges, and slickers...

I'm not wearing a badge or a slicker.

Yeah, me either, they're so dumb yeah.

Irene, tuck it in.

Hey, do you think maybe you wanna have lunch with us. Our treat.

Oh, God, I'm *** lunch, but you guys can totally give me the cash equivalent.

Yeah, just... just tell us where you usually eat and we'll figure it out.

- Great. - Yeah, yeah... we're not doing that.

- Where's my classroom? - It's just right at the end of these lockers.

Hey, you know, teachers around here

usually form packs together,

so I thought maybe we could form, like,

a best friends pack...

Wow, she is pretty great.

- She just left in the middle of your conversation. - I know.

We made it to the middle of a conversation.

- Yeah, up top. All right. - * Bitches ain't ... *

- * But hos and tricks * - (school bell ringing)

- * But hos and tricks * - Hi.

What's up, dude?

- * Bitches ain't... * - (music shuts off)

Okay, good morning, class.

I'm your new social studies teacher, Ms. Davis.

Class dues are $25,

and checks can be written out to cash.

Okay, so...

to get to know you guys better,

I'm gonna hand out these student information cards

for you guys to fill out.

It's like, name, address,

whether your parents are divorced...

the standard stuff.

- Uh, Ms. Davis? - Yeah?

I don't know how many cars fit in my garage.

Ten, maybe?

Wait. Everybody shut up!

You have a house with a ten-car garage?

- It's an apartment... - Okay, don't worry about it.

Just a few moves I learned at Safety Patrol Camp.

Hey, Safety Patrollers.

This is your other advisor, Ms. Davis.

- Hi. - Hi. Safety first.

Lily, you're in Safety Patrol?

In it? I'm captain of it.

You're really pretty, Ms. Davis.

Yeah, I know, and I'm also

- really photogenic. Okay, patrollers,

let's go, we're piling up.

Okay, well, I'll just be over there...

supervising.

Yeah.

Me, too.

Supervise...

Supervise...

Check out the nerds.

Oh, look, it's the Hugly Patrol.

Apparently you can only join

if you're hella ugly.

Nice vest, lesbian.

Thanks.

Because there's nothing wrong

with being gay or bisexual or...

Okay. Okay.

Move it along, Water Bra,

and take your little friend Panty Lines with you.

Whatever.

You'll pay for this, Safety Patrol.

Thanks. You're really pretty.

Yeah, I know. Girls, what's happening?

You gotta fight fire with fire.

Okay, look, it gets better.

Just not right away,

and honestly not for everybody.

It'll probably only get better for one of you.

Guys,

sitting around and reading magazines