Bad Teacher

Expensive food... it just tastes so much better.

Do I know how to host a birthday party or what?

- Yes! - Just one problem... waiter?

Can we get another bottle?

Something from that locked cabinet.

It's present time.

- Happy birthday, Denise. - It's from all of us!

Thank you.

Ranch of the Forbidden 2.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

This isn't even out yet.

Frank sat next to the author

on a flight back from Paris.

Mary Grace Gibbs is actually

a 65-year-old black man

named Marvin Headley.

- Shut up. No way! - Swear.

I couldn't even put down the first Ranch of the Forbidden.

How hot was Jessica's affair with the ranch hand?

Oh, so hot!

Wait, what's, uh, Ranch of the Forbidden again?

This trashy novel. We just read it for our book club.

You guys are reading books now?

Okay, five-way split.

Everyone pays but the birthday girl.

Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you.

Um, Brie?

You said that you were hosting.

And "hosting" means paying.

I used to pay when I used to host things.

Remember that going-away party I threw for your B cups?

Oh, well, this is just how we've been doing it.

Just so everyone can get the miles.

Don't worry. I'll cover you.

Thanks.

Does anyone want gum?

Welcome to the informational meeting

for our annual trip to Sacramento.

This meeting is mandatory for teachers.

What are you guys doing here?

Well, I made Poppy come with me.

She's lucky enough not to have a stepdaughter.

- (snoring) - (indistinct chatter)

It's okay. I can wait all night.

Listen to Ginny, everyone!

Thank you, Kim.

This trip will be perfect

because, of course, I planned it.

Now, some of our students led by Lily Parker,

president of our Junior Politicians Club,

have been selling candy bars

to raise extra money to pay for the trip.

Lily?

To the early settlers,

Sacramento was but a small town along the river.

Uh... Thank you, Lily.

Good job.

Okay, so,

tomorrow, I'm going to be depositing the money raised,

and any child who has not met their minimum

will not be allowed on the bus.

Yep, some childs left behind.

All right, Principal Carl.

Oh, Mere, Lily is, like, obsessed with this trip,

so I bought all 80 of her candy bars if you want some.

She was gonna give them to a homeless shelter,

but you're homeless in her very own backyard.

Great, I'll eat all of them,

and then you and I can share clothes.

Long story short...

Nixon is no longer welcome at Shakey's Pizza.

That is why we felt the need for more parent chaperones.

Oh, my God, Brie!

You should be a parent chaperone!

We can sneak in booze

and sneak out to go meet cute boys.

I can't.

Bummer, it's our Hos on Snow ski trip that weekend.

"Hos on Snow"?

That's our funnest party of the year. Why wasn't I invited?

We assumed you couldn't afford it.

Especially after that dinner.

We all saw you take that butter.

- Hey. Coach Kotsky? - Hey.

Listen, as someone in the know,

have you heard of a Subway location that serves alcohol?

I'm pretty sure none of them do.

Oh, well, I read on a foodie blog

that one of them secretly did.

Anywho, just looking to find a place

to grab a brewski and a bite to eat.

My roommate Ron's out of town.

He is a total bastard.

But he does most of the cooking, so...

What are you doing tonight?

I'm just heading to Juanita's with the coaches.

Doing our thing.

- I'd love to join! - Oh!

There's a thought.

Um, I'm not sure if you would have fun, though.

You know, we drink and hit on women,

and it gets pretty rowdy, so...

Well, I am looking to get back in the saddle.

I mean, do they even still call it that?

- Count me in. - How about that?

- You're... you're coming. - Oh, listen.

Do you know if Juanita's serves a foot-long cold cut combo?

I... Ah, I'll find something.

Joel, no big deal,

but can I borrow two grand to go on a ski trip?

Oh, sure, yeah, it's in the glove box

of my Hummer limousine.

Hummer limousine? Is that really the fanciest car

you could come up with? You are poor.

Uh, so are you. You realize you're

also a public schoolteacher, right?

Joel, I have to go on this ski trip!

Hos on Snow is even more fun than Sluts Sinking Putts.

And I have no money, no credit

and no desire to do any extra work.

It's a sure thing.

For every dollar you invest, you get $100 back.

Imagine what that could mean.

New house, new car,

straight white teeth.

I'll give you 100 bucks if you can tell me my name.

Nice doing business with you.

I knew you liked me.

Hey, what's up, guys?

What up, Stink?

So, listen, uh...

I want to give you a heads-up...

Good evening, players.

... that Carl will be joining us.

Who needs a drink?

I'm thinking about something hoppy

with a little kick to it.

And I'm not talking about a kangaroo.

Oh!

Ow, one of those.

What happened?

Guys, I'm sorry. He just kind of invited himself.

It all happened so fast. I don't know!

No, no, no, no.

That's a negative, Ghost Rider.

This pattern is full.

I'm gonna get blackout drunk tonight

and rub up against

every single girl in this place, all right?

- Boss has got to go. - Fine.

But we also need to talk about how you meet women, okay?

- Okay, Oprah. - (Laughter nearby)

Oh, Carl,

you're the sweetest.

You know, you remind me of my ex-wife.

- Really? - Yeah, something about your smile

takes me back to our first kiss.

I remember it because everybody in Souplantation applauded.

This round's on me.

- Thank you. - He's amazing.

- Pretty cool, huh? - Yeah, really cool.

She said we can bring Subway if we keep it quiet.

Hos on Snow won't be short on any hos this year!

This is the best news ever, Mere.

How'd you get the money?

I...

I have a new sugar daddy.

Yeah, he's a financial wizard.

Finds money in the craziest places.

Real estate, hedge funds...

parking lots.

There's a lot of money in parking lots, apparently.

: Five, six, seven...

See? I am getting taller.

Attention, teachers!

Did anyone happen to find

a manila envelope with $2,400 cash in it?

Wait, what?

It's the money from the candy bar sales.

I put it on the top of my car,

and then I accidentally drove away,

and it's gone, and if we can't find it,

then we have to cancel the trip to Sacramento.

Wait, what?!

Lily's Sacramento trip?

- This really sucks, Ginny. Not to sound too obvious,

but did you look for that money on the roof of your car?

Because that's where my sister-in-law

found the infant carrier. Thank God.

It's not there. It slid right off.

That's what I get for keeping a nicely waxed vehicle.

Right, but you're just gonna pay it back yourself, right?

Yeah, sure, Meredith.

Let me just go out and grab it

from my Hummer limousine.

Hey!

This sucks, Ginny.

This really sucks.

Yeah.

Wait, why do you even care?