Bad Teacher

Hello, everyone.

Guys...

Hello?

Everyone...

Uh, Kim, how long have you been

trying to get everyone's attention?

I guess my whole life.

No, in here. Like, right now.

Oh. Like ten minutes.

Okay. Hold this.

Um, you guys, my parents were so excited

that I passed the teacher's exam

that they gave me their credit card to celebrate.

And I was like, "What?"

And they were like, "Yeah".

And I was like, "Really?"

And they were like, "Yes, Kim,

we're scientists. We don't make jokes."

Well, you should just take your friends out to dinner or something.

Yes. Could we all do Friday?

Wait, us?

No, no, no, no. I meant real friends.

- Like people you see at night. - Oh, I don't see anyone at night.

I got to get my 16 hours of sleep.

I heard that.

So who is in?

I'm in!

I can go.

I'm in!

Okay, Mr. Pilaf, you can come.

I just have to make sure it's okay with my wives.

Wives?

Hmm. What about you, Meredith?

Oh. Um, Friday's actually my 30th birthday.

Oh! Oh, my gosh. Happy birthday! Whoa!

Dirty 30!

Don't ever say that. Yuck. Yeah, I'm gonna be

spending it with a 30-year-old bottle

of champagne my ex-husband gave me.

And my best friend from college,

Alex, is flying in from Dallas. She's amazing.

She's, like, a total queen bee of our group.

I basically hate everybody except for her.

Why don't you bring her to Kim's dinner?

I can't do that for

so many reasons. Mainly because

I'm planning a little intimate birthday, about 100 old friends

on a yacht. Everybody thought

I was so down and out after Ray divorced me,

but they're about to see that Meredith Davis

cannot be held down for long.

Unless I want to be. And there's a safe word.

- What? - Oh, hey, can you change

your party to another night?

I'm available Saturday, Sunday, the rest of the week

and the whole month. And, uh, Thanksgiving and Christmas.

Oh, no. I can't move it. So bummed.

Then, Kim, could you move your party? That way we could...

No. Don't move it.

I mean, I would feel terrible.

This is Kim's night!

Oh. I wish we could do both.

It feels weird not celebrating with Mer... Edith.

- Meredith. - Well, we could just swing by after.

We will be dressed up.

Now we have to dress up?

No, no, no, no, no, no.

You guys go celebrate with Kim,

such an accomplishment,

that thing that... she did, that she was, uh, talking about

earlier.

Oh. Hi.

Jerry, how's my yacht looking?

Covered in streamers yet?

We have to cancel the party.

- Wait, what? - My boss didn't know

you and Ray got divorced.

Now, when he approved the free rental,

he thought he was doing it for the wife

of So Cal's biggest yacht dealer.

Now, if you could get Ray's new girlfriend Mitzi

to put in a good word for you, then we'd be cooking with gas.

I invited 100 people, Jerry. Is there anything you can give me?

How do you feel about spending your birthday on a Sea-Doo?

- Jerry! - I'm sorry. At least you got

that 30-year-old bottle of champagne Ray got for you.

- Hello? - Hey, Mere-bear,

so Ray refuses to give back the champagne.

I'm sorry. At least you have the yacht.

Hi. Is this the Eastmore Hotel? Yes, hi.

I was groped there earlier today,

and I'm willing to not press charges

if you let me use the ballroom for free on Friday night.

Hello? Hel...

Hey.

What's wrong?

Well, I lost the yacht for my birthday party.

So much for showing everybody I'm still somebody.

And Ray's refusing to give me the champagne

that he bought me. It was a gift.

Classic public school teacher problems.

Yeah. You know, you should just

come out with us Friday night.

- Kim's taking us all to Winston's. - Winston's?

- Yeah. - That's one of the best steak houses in the country.

I know. They serve Kobe beef from cows that were only fed Kobe beef.

- Oh. - Apparently Kim's family is pretty loaded.

They are?

Kimmy. Hi, you.

Hi.

I've been thinking a lot about your dinner.

Uh, weird. I've been thinking a lot about your breakfast.

How many Tic Tacs do you usually eat?

It may be my birthday,

but you only pass that important teaching test once.

And I just hate thinking about you guys celebrating without me.

Awesome. I'll let Winston's know.

We're having special cows flown in.

No, I think we need to do something bigger to celebrate you,

not just some steak dinner with the gang.

Something huge that you pay for. Okay...

Describe to me

- your ideal party. - Well, I'm wearing this exact fit,

but my side pony is braided and teased.

Celine Dion is there, but she doesn't have to sing

unless she wants to, which I hope she does, but no pressure.

There is a dance floor, but I won't dance on account of my vertigo.

But I will limbo.

Great! Okay, so everything you're saying to me

points directly to a yacht party.

I'll take care of all the details... you just

give me your credit card info. Whenever you're ready.

But I just said I get vertigo.

What about having a party at Juanita's?

That's got a casual- yet-festive atmosphere,

and I could invite a bunch more teachers.

Um... sure.

It's just that somebody suggested yacht partying,

and I feel like...

Oh, my doctor would never allow it.

Okay. How about a dance club?

Strobe lights affect my seasonal depression.

- Rooftop bar. - Oh, I'm scared of heights.

- Underground wine cellar. - Oh, I'm scared of depths.

Juanita's it is!

Oh, um...

You wouldn't mind if I invite a few friends, would you?

- To celebrate me passing the test? - Yeah.

I have some friends that are super interested in education.

You are gonna love them.

Peas in a pod!

Hello?

Hey!

- Wow, you guys sure are prompt. - A balloon bouquet?

For me?

Oh, thank you so much! I'm gonna go put these in water.

Man, look at these decorations.

Why? What's wrong with it?

It's fantastic.

It's ridiculous!

I mean, a dinner with friends is one thing,

but this is just too much.

Pride cometh before the fall.

That's why my parents burned all my graduation gifts

in the backyard barbecue pit.

Okay. Uh, this is an open bar, though, right?

Yep, I already checked.

Oh, Meredith. We got you a present.

Did not want your birthday to go unrecognized.

Oh, God, it is my birthday, isn't it?

I just keep forgetting.

We all pitched in.

Except for Irene, who's still in Reno at the Ferret Nationals,

whatever that is.

I hope everyone realizes how important

this party is to Kim, and shows up,

and aren't disappointed that it's not on a boat.

Michael and I showed up for

my Semester at Sea, and it was moved

to a double-wide trailer in a parking lot

next to the football stadium

because of budget reasons.

It was a wonderful four months.

Check it out, guys! A piñata!

I know what you're thinking.

Yes, I made it by hand, and yes,

the eyes are inspired by Ginny.

Gorgeous.

Just gorgeous.

Ginny, do you like the piñata?

If I'm gonna hit a donkey with a stick,

I want it to go faster, not give me candy.

You know what, I think I found

the perfect place for that piñata...

in the kitchen!

Are you ready?

- Hey. - Oh, excuse me,

but they don't serve skanky-ass sluts here.

Then why are you holding a drink?

Hot bitch sandwich!