Seinfeld

To me, government...

is basically parents for adults.

Especially the IRS. The IRS is like Ward and June Cleaver...

and we're all Wally and the Beaver.

And your accountant is Eddie Haskell...

showing you all these neat tricks to get away with stuff.

That's fine, unless you get audited.

Then you don't want some wise guy in a suit going:

"You have a very lovely office here, sir."

Because jail is the government's way of sending you to your room.

And when you meet Whitey and Lumpy in the joint...

there's really gonna be something wrong with the Beaver.

- Does he like you? - What do you think?

- Do you like him? - Yeah, I like him. Definitely.

I like him a lot.

- So, what's wrong with him? - Nothing, and I've looked.

Well, I'm sure you'll find something.

- So how'd you meet him? - In the office.

- So he's a writer? - Yeah.

- Yeah, big surprise. - I was sitting on the reception desk.

I was looking pretty hot.

- I was wearing my slingback pumps. - What are those?

Ask your mother. You live with her now, don't you?

Anyway...

then this guy comes up to me, and he starts feeling my jacket...

between his thumb and forefinger like this.

- So, what'd you do? - I said, "What do you think?"

And he said, "Gabardine?"

And I said, "Yeah." That was it.

- Just felt your material? - Yeah. Jake Jarmel.

- Sounds like a cool guy. - Sounds like a jerk.

Felt your material, come on.

- Jerry, where'd you get that sweater? - In the back of my closet.

I think that's what the back of closets are for.

Hey, that's Barry.

Lookit. Barry.

- Hey. - Hi.

- Who is that? - That's Barry Prophet, our accountant.

I don't know how can you let this guy handle your money.

Not my money. He handles Jerry's money. He just does my taxes.

- Barry, how you doing? - How are you?

- This is my friend George. - Hey.

What are you doing in this neighborhood?

Nothing, really.

- You... You eat here? - Yeah.

- So how's my money? - Well, it's still green.

- What, do you got a cold? - No. No.

- Look at that ring. - Oh, you like that?

Hey, say, where's the bathroom?

Bathroom? Bathroom's right over there.

Great.

Did you see that?

- See what? - Yes, I saw that.

- What? - What was all that sniffing?

- I don't know. - You don't think..?

Oh, no. Come on, Jerry.

He was definitely sniffing.

I mean, what if..? This guy's got all my money.

Plus, I got some of Kramer's money with him.

He can write checks to himself from my account.

I've known this guy since college. He doesn't do drugs.

- Then what was all that sniffing? - Maybe it's the cold weather.

Today's not cold.

All right, I gotta get going. My parents are expecting me.

Don't forget to wash your hands before supper.

What do you need all that ketchup for?

This is my ketchup.

I bought this ketchup...

just so I could have as much as I want.

So I... I talked to Phil Kassikoff today.

Phil Kassikoff?

Yeah. You know, my friend, the bra salesman?

He says they're looking for somebody...

so I got you an interview next Friday with his boss.

- Next Friday? What time? - Two o'clock.

That's my whole afternoon. I was gonna look for sneakers.

You can look for sneakers the next day!

He doesn't know anything about bras.

I know a little.

Besides, what do you have to know?

Well, it wouldn't hurt to go in and be able to discuss it intelligently.

Maybe you should take a look at a few bras.

Where's your bra? Give him a bra to look at.

I'm not giving him a bra.

- Why not? - I don't need him looking at my bra.

Fine. He'll go into the interview...

he wouldn't know what he's talking about.

Do we have to..?

You don't even know what they're made from.

- They're made from Lycra spandex. - Get out of here. Lycra spandex?

I think they are made from Lycra spandex.

- Wanna bet? How much? - I'm not betting.

- Take a look. - All right, I'll get a bra.

I don't know what the big problem is getting a bra.

She doesn't wanna get a bra.

I'm not saying, "Go to the library and read the history."

But it wouldn't kill you to know a little bit about it.

All right, it wouldn't kill me.

How long does it take to find a bra?

What's going on in there?

You ask me to get a pair of underwear, I'm back in two seconds.

You know about the cup sizes and all?

- They have different cups. - Yeah, I know about the cups.

You got the A...

the B...

the C...

the D. That's the biggest.

I know the D is the biggest.

I base my whole life on knowing that the D is the biggest.

- Here. Here's the bra. - Let me see it.

"One hundred percent Lycra spandex."

- Let me see. - I told you.

Here. You think you know everything.

That's surprising.

All right, what else?

You got the cups in the front...

two loops in the back, all right?

- I guess that's about it. - I got it. Cups in front, loops in back.

You got ketchup on it.

Sniffing? What do you mean, sniffing?

- Sniffing. With his nose. - Jerry, he probably had a cold.

- No, he didn't. I asked him. - So, what are you saying?

- I don't know. You know, what if..? - Drugs?

- You think he's on drugs? - I don't know.

- Jerry... - All I know is he was sniffing.

- Listen, we went in on a CD together. - I know.

And Newman gave you money too.

See, I didn't even meet this guy. We trusted you.

Look, it doesn't necessarily mean anything yet.

- It just means he was sniffing. - Well, what else? Was he nervous?

Did he use a lot of slang? Did he use the word "man"?

No, he didn't use "man."

I mean, when he was leaving, did he say, "I'm splitting"?

No, but at one point, he did use the bathroom.

- You think that's a bad sign? - Yes, that's what they do.

They live in the bathroom.

What are we gonna do? We're gonna get our money, right?

I don't know. This sweater really itches me.

- You want it? - Yeah.

Hello. Hel...

Well, you notice anything?

You have cleaned up the whole apartment...

and you're making dinner. You're perfect.

You're a perfect man.

- Did anyone call? - You got a few messages.

- I wrote them down. - Where are they?

Let's see, they are... Here they are.

Thank you.

Oh, yeah. I'll call you back.

Forget that... Myra had the baby!

Oh, my God. That's wonderful.

- Who called? - She did.

She did? Oh, that's so great.

- Where do you keep the corkscrew? - It's in the drawer on the right.

What?

No, it's nothing.

- No, what is it? - It's nothing.

Tell me.

Well, I was just curious why you didn't use an exclamation point.

What are you talking about?

Well, see right here? You wrote, "Myra had the baby."

But you didn't use an exclamation point.

So?

So it's... Yeah, it's nothing. Forget it. Forget it.

You know, I just found it curious.

Wait, what's so curious about it?

Well, I mean, if one of your close friends had a baby...

and I left you a message about it, I would use an exclamation point.

Well, maybe I don't use my exclamation points...

as haphazardly as you do.

You don't think that someone having a baby...

warrants an exclamation point?

Hey, look, I just jotted down the message.

I didn't know that I was required to capture the mood of each caller.

Well, I just thought you'd be a little more excited about a friend of mine...

- having a baby. - Okay, I'm excited.

I just don't happen to like exclamation points.

Well, Jake, you should learn to use them.

Like, the way I'm talking now, I'd put exclamation points...

on the ends all of these sentences! On this one! And on that one!

Well, you can put one on this one:

I'm leaving!

- You're out of your mind. - Why?

It's an exclamation point.

- It's a line with a dot under it. - Well, I felt it called for one.

"Called for one." I thought I'd heard of everything.

I never heard of a relationship being affected by punctuation.

I found it very troubling that he didn't use one.

George is right. Didn't take you long.

Anything new with that guy on drugs?

He's not on drugs.

Then why the sniffing? Who walks around... sniffing?

All right, here. You call him right now, okay?

- See if he's sniffing right now. - Good idea.

- Prophet and Goldstein. - Yes, Barry Prophet, please.

I'm sorry, he's out of town this week.

- Out of town? - Yes. He went to South America.

- South America? - South America?

I'll call back. Thank you.

- He went to South America. - Yeah!