Seinfeld

Whenever I see the news and they're...

...hauling in some criminal, terrorist, psycho, maniac, mass-murderer guy....

You notice he's always covering up his face?

What is he worried about?

I mean, what is this man's reputation...

...that he has to worry about this kind of exposure...

...damaging his good name?

I mean, what is he, up for a big job promotion...

...down at the office or something?

Afraid the boss is gonna catch this on TV and go:

"Isn't that Johnson from sales?

He's up in that clock tower, picking people off one by one.

I don't know if that's the kind of man...

...we want heading up that new branch office.

He should be in bill collection. I think he's got aptitude."

She was great.

You don't want to know.

Hey, Brecky, remind me to tell you what we did in Lake George.

Get this, I got it all on video.

That's it. This is it.

I'm done! Through! It's over!

I'm gone! Finished! Over!

I will never work for you again! Look at you.

You think you're an important man?

You are a laughingstock. You are a joke.

These people are laughing at you!

You're nothing! You have no brains, no ability, nothing!

I quit!

-Hey. -Hey.

Boy, I have really had it with Newman.

He wakes me up again, last night, at 3:00 in the morning...

...to tell me he's going on the roof to kill himself.

-Well, what did you say? -I said, "Jump."

He's been threatening to do this for years.

I said, "If you're gonna kill yourself, do it already and stop bothering me."

At least I'd respect the guy for accomplishing something.

What's his problem?

No job, no women.

He called the right guy.

What am I supposed to tell him?

How much there is for him to live for?

Why should I lie to him?

I'm leaving. I'm going to the laundry.

Why don't you use the machines down in the basement?

Fluff and fold, the only way to live.

I drop it off, I pick it up. It's a delight.

-How about if I put a--? -I don't want to do that.

-What, you're going over there, what? -I don't want to mix in everything.

My guys don't know your guys.

You can't just lock them all in the same machine together.

They'll start a riot.

Have you ever met my guys?

-No, I can't say as I have. -Well....

All right, put them on top.

Oh, beautiful.

This stuff on top is my friend's.

Could I get it done in a separate machine?

I'll have to charge you for another machine.

Whatever it costs. In fact...

...I would prefer it if the machines are not even touching each other...

...because something could, you know, jump across.

Guess what.

-How did you know I was here? -Kramer. Guess what.

-I don't know. -I quit my job.

-Get out of here. -I couldn't take it anymore.

You can have this on Monday.

What happened? Levitan?

I go in to use his private bathroom. Everybody uses it.

And then I get a memo-- A memo...

...telling me to use the men's room in the hall.

I mean, we share it with Pace Electronics. It's disgusting!

You and your toilets.

I snapped. It was the last straw.

What are you gonna do? Look for something else in real estate?

Nobody's hiring now. The market's terrible.

So, what are you gonna do?

I like sports. I could do something in sports.

In what capacity?

You know, like the general manager of a baseball team.

Yeah, well, that-- That can be tough to get.

Well, it doesn't even have to be the general manager.

Maybe I could be, like, an announcer, like, a colour man.

You know how I always make...

...interesting comments during the game?

Yeah. Yeah, you make good comments.

So, what about that?

Well, they tend to give those jobs to ex-ballplayers...

...and people that are, you know, in broadcasting.

-Well, that's really not fair. -I know.

Well, okay, okay. What else do you like?

Movies. I like to watch movies.

Yeah, yeah.

Do they pay people to watch movies?

Projectionists.

-That's true. -But you got to know...

...how to work the projector.

Right.

And it's probably a union thing.

Those unions.

Okay, sports...

...movies....

What about a talk show host?

Talk show host, that's good.

I think I'd be good at that.

I talk to people all the time.

Someone said once I'd be a good talk show host.

-Really? -Yeah, a couple of people.

How do you get that? Where do you start?

Well, that's where it gets tricky.

You can't walk into a building and say, "I want to be a talk show host."

I wouldn't think so.

It's all politics.

All right, okay, sports, movies, talk show host....

What else?

This could have been a huge mistake.

Yeah, well, it doesn't sound like you completely thought this through.

I guess not.

-What should I do? -Maybe you can just go back.

-Go back? -Yeah.

Pretend like it never happened.

You mean just walk in on Monday morning like it never happened?

Sure. You're an emotional person.

People don't take you seriously.

Just go back.

-Pretend it never happened. -Never happened.

I was blowing off a little steam. So what?

-So what? You're entitled. -I'm emotional.

That's right, you're emotional.

-Never happened. -Never happened.

To me, the most annoying thing...

...about the couple of times I did work in an office...

...is when you go in in the morning, you say "hi" to everyone...

...and then, throughout the day...

...you have to continue to greet these people...

...all day, every time you see them.

"Morning, Bill." "Morning, Bob." "How you doing?" "Fine."

Ten minutes later, you see them in the hall, "How you doing?"

Every time you pass, you've gotta come up with another greeting.

You start racking your brains.

You do the little eyebrow, you know, "Hey."

You start coming up with nicknames for them.

"Jimbo."

How you doing?

What are you doing here?

What? I work here.

I thought you quit.

What quit? Who quit?

Bill, how was your weekend?

Excellent weekend. What about your weekend?

-Fine weekend. -Yeah, good weekend.

Went up to the Cape. Took the kids sailing.

Lisa was a little scared at first...

...but that kid's gonna be a good sailor someday.

She's gonna be a fine sailor.

Ava, what happened to you Friday afternoon?

-I got tied up. -I'll bet you did.

I want to remind everyone that the 10th anniversary party...

...for Rick Barr Properties is gonna be Wednesday afternoon at 4:00...

...in Lasky's Bar on Madison and 48th.

I want all of you to be there. This really means a lot to me.

Is that Costanza over there?

What are you doing here?

-What? -Am I crazy or didn't you quit?

-When? -Friday.

Oh, what? That?

Are you kidding? I didn't quit.

Why, you took that seriously?

You mean "laughingstock," all that stuff.

Come on. Will you stop it?

-"No brains, no ability"? -Teasing.

Okay, I want you out of here.

I don't know where you're getting this from.

You're serious, aren't you? Oh, you see...

...you just don't know my sense of humour.

I mean, Dan, don't I joke around all the time?

I wouldn't say all the time.

You can't win. You can't beat me.

That's why I'm here, and you're there.

Because I'm a winner.

I'll always be a winner...

...and you'll always be a loser.

"I'll always be a winner, and you'll always be a loser."

This is what he said to me.

-Well, so that's that. -No, that's not that.

-That's not that? -No.

Well, if that's not that, what is that?

I got some plans. I got plans.

-What kind of plans? -What's the difference?

You don't wanna tell me?

I'm gonna slip him a Mickey.

What, in his drink? Are you out of your mind?

What are you, Peter Lorre?

You don't understand. He's got this big party coming up.