Seinfeld

I'm not a foodie.

I don't:

"Oh, this is too rare. Oh, it's too salty."

Just eat it and shut up.

I'll eat anywhere, whatever they're having.

I've eaten rolls off of room-service trays in hotel hallways.

I have. That's not a joke.

This is my life.

I don't know, somebody left it.

Why would somebody poison a roll and leave it in the hallway...

...for some comic coming down at 2:00 in the morning?

Why would they do that?

Sometimes you go to a restaurant, they put the check in a little book.

What is this, the story of the bill?

"Once upon a time, there were some very hungry people." What is this?

Little gold tassel hanging down. Am I graduating from the restaurant?

What is this about?

You want some of mine?

-Take some of mine. -Why do I get pesto?

Why do I think I'll like it?

I keep trying to like it.

-Like I have to like it. -Who said you have to like it?

Everybody likes pesto.

You walk into a restaurant, that's all you hear. Pesto. Pesto.

-I don't like pesto. -Where was pesto 10 years ago?

Look at that guy.

I'll bet you he's getting hair transplants.

Anytime you see a guy that age wearing a baseball cap, 10-1, plugs.

The thing about that painting is with the colours and....

Oh, yeah, plugola.

One more thing about the car. Let it warm up for a minute.

Yeah, that's a tough minute.

It's like waiting in the shower for the conditioner to work.

I don't understand why he couldn't take a cab.

-Who? -Elaine is having...

...a houseguest.

She's picking him up at the airport tonight.

-A guy? -Yes, it's a guy.

He's from Yakima, right?

-Seattle. -Everybody's moving to Seattle.

It's the pesto of cities. So?

Well, you tell.

Well, from what I can piece together, our friend here met a gentleman--

-Ed. -Who was in town...

...on a business venture, and...?

We shared an interpersonal experience.

-Go on. -So they went out a few times...

...but, apparently, when the fellow returned home...

...he discovered that the Benes tattoo does not wash off so easily.

On some people.

So he's coming to stay with her for a week.

It was just gonna be a weekend, but then, somehow, it became a week.

-Wait a second. -All right, okay.

-All right, all right, okay. -What happened?

Oh, the busboy left the menu a little close to the candle.

I'm sorry for the disturbance.

-I'm never eating here again. -Yeah.

-Nice going. -Thank you.

-That ought to get us a free dessert. -Yeah.

I think the busboy's in trouble.

Did I get him in trouble because of what I said?

I just told him what happened. He didn't do it on purpose.

He pointed at me.

-Why did they point at me? -I said I would never eat here again...

...but he had to know I was kidding.

I didn't say anything.

I can't believe it. He's going. He's fired.

-Oh, I said it in a kidding way. -I didn't know he'd get fired.

He'll probably kill his family over this.

What if he's waiting for me outside?

He pointed at me. Did you see him point?

Lot of ex-cons become busboys.

They seem to gravitate towards it.

-Was it my fault? -Was it my fault?

Maybe I'll try that pesto.

Look, I feel bad for him too, but he'll get another job.

Let's face it, it's not a profession where you embellish your résumé...

...and undergo a series of gruelling interviews.

-Like you really know busboys. -Oh, like you do.

-Hey, at least I was a camp waiter. -Camp.

It was a fat camp. Those kids depended on me.

-Elaine? -Yeah.

Busboys are always changing jobs. That's the business.

I know, I work with these guys.

I talk with them in the kitchens at the comedy clubs.

Why don't you get him another job?

I'd love to. But I don't know anything about him.

He could walk around the street pricking people with pins.

I don't know if you people are aware of this...

...but I am one clever chickadee.

What, did you get the busboy's number?

His phone's been disconnected, but I was able to obtain an address.

1324 Amsterdam Avenue, apartment 4D.

Now, I did my job.

-May I have the car keys, please? -How did you get all this?

Does the word "charm" mean anything to you?

No.

Now you're going to his apartment? I think this is nuts.

I'd like to apologize. I wanna tell him I didn't mean to get him in trouble.

-So you're going now? -Yeah.

I'm gonna see if there's anything I can do.

Get him another job. Maybe I'll hear of something.

Maybe the fat camp.

-You're not going? -I would...

...but I have to pick up Ed at the airport.

I just don't think you should go alone.

-Can't you wait till after my set? -It will take too long.

-Hey. -Hey.

Take the K-Man.

A little support.

-I don't.... -What? What? Take me where?

Where?

Look, I really appreciate your coming...

...but if you wouldn't mind...

...try not to say too much.

What am I gonna say?

I don't know.

Well, I'm not an idiot.

Certainly not.

Then we're cool.

Yeah.

Yeah, we're cool.

I'm sorry to bother you. I was in the restaurant earlier...

...and I was wondering if I could talk to you about what happened.

Thanks.

I hope I'm not interrupting anything. It's just that...

...I think I may have, without realizing it...

...been responsible for getting you fired.

And I just--

I wanted you to know that I did not intend for that to happen.

He's a hell of a guy.

This is...

...a guy I know. Kramer.

Oh, my God.

Waterbed?

Anyway, I....

I just wanted to let you know that I'm really sorry that happened.

And if I can help out in any way, I'll certainly be glad to do that.

Well, I guess that's about it.

You got anything to drink?

-We really should be going. -Let me get a glass of water.

Hurry up.

Paquita?

Paquita?

His cat's gone.

Who left the door open?

Who left the door open?

Come on! Come on! Help me look!

You know, the cats, they run away all the time.

You know, my aunt, she had a cat, ran away, showed up three years later.

You never know.

They got things in their brains. They remember where they're from.

Unless somebody starts feeding her. See, that's what you gotta worry about.

Once again, Antonio, I can't even begin to say...

...how deeply, deeply sorry I am about everything.

The job...

...the cat....

The lamp.

There's wire sticking out.

Yeah.

Here's my card.

I'm in real estate.

So if you're ever looking for something bigger, something nicer....

Maybe not right away.

Anyway....

You ought to get that wire fixed.

I got the door.

George, stop worrying about this guy. It wasn't your fault.

Come on. He's not stalking you.

-Hey. -Hey.

He doesn't even know where you live.

Who told you to give him your business card?

That's Elaine.

Kramer.

George wants to know when you wanna go look for the cat again.

Well, it's been a week. It's up to the cat now.

Kramer says it's up to the cat now.

It'll be on your conscience.

-Oh, how do you figure? -How do you figure?

You're the one who left the door open.