Seinfeld

I'm on the street the other day, make a pay phone call...

...go overtime on the call...

...hang up the phone, walk away.

You've had this happen? What--?

Phone rings. It's the phone company.

They want more money.

Don't you love this? And you've got them right where you want them...

...for the first time in your life. You're on the street.

There's nothing they can do. I like to let it ring a few times...

...you know, let her sweat a little over there...

...and then just pick it up. "Yeah, hello, operator?

Oh, I've got the money.

I've got the money right here.

You hear that?

That's a quarter.

Yeah, you want that, don't you?"

No, they just have to get more cops on the force, it's as simple as that.

Cops, I don't even care about cops.

I wanna see garbage men.

It's much more important. All I wanna see...

...are garbage trucks, garbage cans and garbage men.

You're never gonna stop crime. We should at least be clean.

I tell you what they should do. They should combine the two jobs.

Make it one job. Cop/garbage man.

I always see cops walking around with nothing to do. Grab a broom.

Start sweeping. You sweep, sweep, sweep.

Catch a criminal, get right back to sweeping.

-You should run for mayor. -Nobody listens.

Where is someone? I'm starving.

Think this is him right here.

-Is there a table ready? -How many?

-How many? -Is Tatiana coming?

Well, I don't know. I have to call her, tell her where we are.

I'm very lucky she's even considering seeing me at all.

Really? I thought things were going okay.

They were. It's kind of complicated.

Well, what is it?

-How many? -All right, four. Seinfeld.

Four.

That'll be five, 10 minutes.

-What do you wanna do? -Let's go someplace else.

-I am too hungry. -We might as well just stay here.

We haven't got much time before the movie.

I'm gonna call Tatiana. There's the phone.

Tatiana.

Excuse me. Are you gonna be very long?

Lasbrook, four.

-So did I do a terrible thing? -You mean lying to your uncle?

I couldn't have dinner with him.

Plan 9 from Outer Space.

One night only. The big screen.

My hands are tied.

You know, it's a public phone. You're not supposed to just chitchat.

Jerry, get menus so when we sit down we'll be able to order right away.

Can't look at a menu now, I gotta be at the table.

He knows I'm waiting.

He sees me. He just doesn't wanna look.

Everything's gotta be just so all the time with you, doesn't it?

I offered you those cookies in my house.

Health cookies. I hate those little dust-board fructose things.

I just can't believe the way people are.

What is it with humanity? What kind of a world do we live in?

What?

There's a woman over there looks really familiar.

Dark hair, striped shirt.

I've never seen her before.

I know this woman.

This is gonna drive me crazy.

-Excuse me. -Oh, I'm sorry.

Did you see that? Those people--

Look, they're getting a table.

Maybe they were here from before.

No, no, they weren't here before.

Are you gonna be much longer?

I have to make a very important call.

Find out what's going on.

Excuse me.

Didn't those people just come in?

-I believe we were ahead of them. -Yeah.

-What's your name? -Seinfeld.

No, no. They were here before.

Kackige, two.

You ever notice how happy people are when they finally get a table?

They feel so special because they've been chosen.

It's enough to make you sick.

Boy, you are really hungry.

Hey.

If anything happens here, can I count on you?

What?

If we decide to go at it.

Yeah, I wanna get into a rumble.

I have to get in touch with Tatiana.

Look at his little outfit.

It's all so coordinated. The little socks match the little shirt.

I really hate this guy.

Oh, I'm gonna faint.

George...

...who is that woman In the stripes?

I don't know her.

She looks so familiar.

It's not fair that people are seated first come, first served.

It should be based on who's hungriest.

I feel like walking over there and taking some food...

...off of somebody's plate.

I'll tell you what.

There's 50 bucks in it for you if you do it.

What do you mean?

You walk over to that table...

...you pick up an egg roll, you don't say anything...

...you eat it...

...say, "Thank you very much"...

...wipe your mouth, walk away...

...I give you 50 bucks.

-What are they gonna do? -They won't do anything. In fact...

...you'll be giving them a story to tell for the rest of their lives.

Fifty bucks? You'll give me 50 bucks?

Fifty bucks.

That table over there.

The three couples.

Okay, I don't wanna go over there and do it...

...and then come back here and find out there was some little loophole...

...like I didn't put mustard on it or something.

No tricks.

-Should I do it, George? -For 50 bucks?

I'd put my face in their soup and blow.

All right. All right.

Here, hold this.

I'm doing it.

I know this sounds crazy, but the two men standing behind me...

...will give me 50 bucks if I stand here and eat one of your egg rolls.

I'll give you 25 if you let me do it.

-What? -What is she talking about?

What did she say? What did she say?

-Will someone tell me what she said? -Twenty-five dollars?

-What happened? -Did you see that?

-What were you telling them? -I offered them 25.

-They had no idea why. -Oh, God.

-George, the phone's free. -Hallelujah.

Excuse me. I was waiting here.

-Where? I didn't see you. -I've been here for 10 minutes.

-I won't be long. -That's not the point.

The point is I was here first.

Well, if you were here first...

...you'd be holding the phone.

You know, we're living in a society!

We're supposed to act in a civilized way!

Does she care? No.

Does anyone ever display the slightest sensitivity...

...over the problems of a fellow individual?

No. No! A resounding no.

-Hey, sorry I took so long. -Oh, that's okay.

Really, don't worry about it.

How do people fast?

Did Gandhi get this crazy?

I'm gonna go walk around and see what dishes look good.

I told my uncle I had a stomachache. Think he bought that?

Yeah, he probably bought it.

So, what happened with Tatiana?

-I shouldn't even tell you. -Come on.

After dinner last week, she invites me to her apartment.

I'm with you.

Well, it's this little place with this little bathroom.

And it's, like, right there, you know? It's not even...

...down a little hall or off in an alcove, you understand?

There's no...

...buffer zone.

So...

...we start to fool around...

...and it's the first time, and it's early in the going...

...and I begin to perceive this impending...

...intestinal requirement...

...whose needs are going to surpass, by great lengths...

...anything in the sexual realm.

So I know I'm gonna have to stop.

And as this is happening, I'm thinking even if I can somehow manage...

...to momentarily...

...extricate myself from the proceedings...

...and relieve this unstoppable force...

...I know that that bathroom is not gonna provide me...

...with the privacy that I know I'm going to need.

This could only happen to you.

So...

...I finally stop and say:

"Tatiana, I hope you don't take this the wrong way...

...but I think it would be best if I left."

You said this to her after?

No.

During.

-Oh, boy. -Yeah.

Wow. So?

So I'm dressing, and she's staring up at me...

...struggling to compute this unprecedented turn of events.

I don't know what to say to reassure her.

And worst of all, I don't have the time to say it.

The only excuse she might possibly have accepted...

...is if I told her I am, in reality, Batman.

And I'm very sorry, I just saw the Bat Signal.