Seinfeld

I love these nature shows.

I watch any kind of nature show.

It's amazing how you can always relate

to what they're talking about.

You're watching the African dung beetle.

You're going, "Boy, his life is a lot like mine."

You always root for whichever animal's the star

of the show that week.

Like if it's the antelope,

and a lion's chasing the antelope,

you go, "Run, antelope, run!

"Use your speed! Get away!"

The next week it's the lion, and then you go,

"Get the antelope! Eat him! Bite his ass!

"Trap him! Don't let him use his speed!"

Well, did he bring it up in the meeting?

Elaine, see this T-shirt?

Six years I've had this T-shirt.

It's my best one.

I call him... Golden Boy.

Yeah-- I'm on the phone here.

Golden Boy's always the first shirt I wear out of the laundry.

Here. Touch Golden Boy.

No, thanks. Yeah. Yeah, I'll hold.

But see, look at the collar.

It's fraying.

Golden Boy is slowly dying.

Each wash brings him one step closer.

That's what makes the T-shirt such a tragic figure.

Why don't you just let Golden Boy

soak in the sink with some Woolite?

No!

The reason he's the iron man

is because he goes out there and he plays every game!

Wash, spin, rinse, spin!

You take that away from him,

you break his spirit.

Yeah.

What?

He is?!

Oh, that's fantastic! I'm so excited!

Yes, I'm excited! Okay. Okay, I'll be in soon.

Yeah, yeah! I'm coming! I'm coming! Okay, bye.

Yuri Testikov, the Russian writer!

The guy who's in the gulag?

Yeah! Pendant's publishing his new book,

and I'm gonna be working on it!

Lippman and I are gonna go to the airport on Thursday

and pick him up in a limousine!

You wanna borrow Golden Boy?

Oh! Do you know what this means?

It's like working with Tolstoy.

I read an unbelievable thing about Tolstoy the other day.

Did you know the original title for War and Peace

was War, What Is It Good For?

Ha-ha-ha-ha.

No, I'm not kidding, Elaine. It's true.

His mistress didn't like the title

and insisted that he change it to War and Peace.

But it's a line from that song!

That's where they got it from.

Really?

I'm not joking.

You can't handle the truth!

What?

I'm working on my Jack Nicholson.

You can't handle the truth!

What is this, your mail?

Yeah, I grabbed it on the way out.

I don't want my mother reading it.

Ah, your alumni magazine.

Your mother reads your mail?

Yeah.

What, you mean, like postcards and--?

No. Anything.

She doesn't open.

She'll open.

You've caught your mother opening envelopes?

Yes.

What does she say?

"I was curious."

Isn't that against the law?

Maybe I can get her locked up.

Hey, Jerry, you're in the alumni magazine!

Listen to this:

"Jerry Seinfeld has appeared

"on David Letterman and The Tonight Show,

"and he did a pilot for NBC called Jerry

"that was not picked up."

Georgie, how come there's not anything about you in here?

He can't handle the truth.

All right. This is too much fun.

I gotta get back to work.

Are you all right?

-Yeah. -Uh...

-Sorry. -It's okay.

Yeah-- Oh! Wait, wait.

Uh...

Maybe you could, uh, use this.

Here.

It's an electronic organizer.

-What? -Uh, yeah. Uh--

-Wha--? -Yeah, here.

Yeah.

For phone numbers, addresses.

Keep appointments, everything.

Wow.

It's got an alarm that beeps.

Oh, I can't believe this!

Kramer, I've been wanting to get one of these things.

Are you sure that--

-You sure you can't use this thing? -No.

I got all my appointments right up here.

Where'd you get this?

Oh, the bank. I opened up a new account.

Hey, did you see that whale thing on TV last night?

No.

I am such a huge whale fan.

These marine biologists were showin'

how they communicate with each other

with the squeaks and the squeals.

What a fish.

It's a mammal.

Whatever.

Hey, new tape recorder?

Yeah, I got it from the bank.

Hey!

-Hey. -Hey.

Who wants to have some fun?!

-I do. -I do.

Are you just sayin' you wanna have fun,

or do you really wanna have fun?!

I really wanna have fun.

I'm just sayin' I wanna have some fun.

Right now, there are 600 Titleists

that I got from the driving range

in the trunk of my car.

Why don't we drive out to Rockaway

and hit 'em

into the ocean!

Now, picture this.

We find a nice sweet spot between the dunes.

We take out our drivers, we tee up and--

Whoo!

That ball goes sailing up into the sky,

holds there for a moment and then--

Gulg!

You wanna get some lunch?

Yeah. Let me stop by the cash machine,

and I'll meet you over at the coffee shop.

Yeah, I'm gonna get a paper.

-Keep your head down. -Yeah.

Cash advance? Yes.

No.

Balance inquiry?

No.

Receipt? No.

Processing. Processing.

I won.

Jerry?

Yeah.

It's Diane. Diane DeConn from Queen's College.

Oh, Diane.

-How are you? -Good.

-Good. -How long has it been?

-Since college. -Ah.

I've been seeing you on TV. You're doing great.

Yeah, pluggin' along.

You know, I got the alumni magazine.

Whatever happened to your friend, George?

I notice I never see his name in there.

Well, he's kind of modest.

He was always such a goof-off.

I mean, did he ever get anywhere?

Sure.

Yeah? What field?

Marine biology.

George is a marine biologist?

Yeah. Pretty damn good one too.

I can't believe it.

I-I would never have thought.

Yeah. He's specializing in whales.

He's working on lowering the cholesterol level

in whales.

All that blubber. It's quite unhealthy.

You know, it's the largest mammal on earth,

but as George says, they don't have to be.

Diane DeConn?

You saw Diane DeConn?

Somethin', huh?

How did she look?

She looked great.

Oh. Mm!

She asked about you.

She asked about me? What did she say?

"How's George?"

George?

She said, George?

She remembered my name.

Diane DeConn remembered my name!