Seinfeld

How about that seedless watermelon? What an invention.

Scientists are working on this.

I mean, other scientists devote their lives

to fighting cancer, AIDS, heart disease.

These guys go, "No, I'm focusing on melon.

"Oh, sure, thousands of people are dying needlessly,

"but this, ptooey.

"That's gotta stop.

"You ever try and pick a wet one up off the floor?

"It's almost impossible.

I'm devoting my life to that."

So I guess if they can get rid of the seeds,

the rind is going next.

What do we need that for? Get rid of the rind.

They're not gonna stop until they're making

in-the-ground, ready-to-eat fruit cups

growing right out of the ground.

So, what's her name?

Karen.

She nice? Great.

So you like her? I think so.

You don't know?

I can't tell anymore.

Well, do you feel anything?

Feel? What's that?

All right. Lemme ask you this.

When she comes over, you cleanin' up a lot?

Yeah. You straightenin' up,

or you cleanin'? Cleaning.

You do the tub? Yeah.

On your knees, Ajax,

hands scrubbin', the whole deal?

Yeah. Yeah, okay.

I think you're in love.

Tub is love?

Tub is love.

Huh.

So there you are.

You got a nice girl and a clean apartment.

Yup.

Just one little problem.

Sexual?

Yeah.

Well...

I've never really felt confident in, uh...

one particular aspect.

Below the equator?

Yeah.

Nobody does.

You know, nobody knows what to do.

You just close your eyes, you hope for the best.

I really think they're happy if you just make an effort.

I-- I don't know.

Last time I got the tap.

You got the tap?

You know, you're goin' along,

you think everything's all right,

and all of a sudden you,

You get that tap on the shoulder.

You know, it's like, "Phweet!

All right, that's enough. You're through."

The tap is tough.

It's like the manager comin' out and askin' you for the ball.

Yeah.

Well, maybe she just wanted to move on to other business.

No. No, this wasn't moving on.

I got the hook.

I wish I could get a lesson in that.

It's a very complicated area.

You could go crazy trying to figure that place out.

It's a hazy mystery.

Anyway, I think everything else is okay.

Unless, of course, she's fakin'.

Who's fakin'?

Nothing.

- Fakin' what? - Nobody's fakin'.

Oh! Orgasms?

She's not faking!

How do you know?

I know. I can tell. It's one of my powers.

Why? Do you ever fake?

Of course. Really?

You faked?

On occasion.

And the guy never knows?

Nah.

How can he not know that?

Because I was good.

I guess after that many beers,

he's probably a little groggy, anyway.

You didn't know.

What's that?

You didn't know.

Are you saying...

I think I'll have a piece of cake.

With me? Well...

You faked with me?

Yeah.

You faked with me.

Yes. No.

Yes. You faked it?

I faked it.

That whole thing,

the whole production, it was all an act?

Not bad, huh?

What about the breathing,

the panting, the moaning, the screaming?

Fake, fake, fake, fake.

I'm stunned. I'm shocked.

How many times did you do this?

Um...

All the time.

All the time!

Think I'll have a chocolate malted here.

But-- But I'm so good.

I'm sure you are.

Jerry, listen, it wasn't you.

I just didn't have 'em back then.

She faked.

Maybe they've all been faking.

I'm sure they're not.

Maybe Karen is faking.

She was probably joking.

No, no. It was no joke.

She didn't have any?

No, none.

She faked 'em all.

Faked 'em all.

Well, so she faked 'em. So what?

Th-th-the woman had an orgasm under false pretenses.

That-- That's sexual perjury.

You know, I heard her screaming from my apartment.

She woke me up a few times.

How did she do it?

She's like Meryl Streep, this woman.

And I know how to work the equipment.

I'm not unskilled. I'm in the union.

I mean, if she at least told me,

maybe I could've done something about it.

Yeah, I could've helped you out.

What could you have done?

Well, I could've given you some pointers.

I know how to press those buttons, buddy.

Well, I'm feeling very inadequate

- about the whole thing. - Ahhh...

Don't "ahhh."

I'm supposed to do something with her later.

I don't even think I even wanna see her.

Hello.

Oh, hello, Elaine.

So we havin' dinner tonight?

Uh, I don't know. I'm not really in the mood.

Why? What's wrong?

You're not still thinkin' about this afternoon, are you?

What, the grilled cheese? Nah, they always burn the toast.

No, the other thing.

Oh, that!

- Well... - Oh.

Come on, Jerry. You're making too much of a big deal about it.

I guess. So you wanna meet at that place at 7:30?

- Okay. - All right.

All right, see you later.

- Bye. - Bye.

Renee, can you come here a second?

Let me ask you something. Um...

Have you ever...you know...

faked it?

Yeah, sometimes.

Really, like when?

Like if we went to a Broadway show,

if we had really good seats.

Yeah, well.

Well, you know, if it's enough already

and I just wanna get some sleep.

I really don't feel like seein' her.

You know, I've faked it.

What?

Yeah.

You faked it?

Yeah.

Wh-why would you do that?

Well, you know, if it's enough already

and I just wanna get some sleep.

Yeah, but why would you--?

Oh!

Bad peach?

It's terrible!

Did you get that at Joe's?

Yeah, of course I got it at Joe's.

That's surprising. His fruit's usually the best.

You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna return this.

You're returning used fruit?

Jerry, this peach is subpar.

So, what do you want me to do?

I want restitution.

Restitution?

You want restitution?

Why should I give you restitution?

Because it's no good.

Once I put that fruit out, that's where it ends for me.