Seinfeld

You can always tell what was the best year of your father's life.

Because they freeze that clothing style and just ride it out to the end.

It's not like they don't continue shopping.

It's just they somehow manage to find new old clothes.

Every father is like this fashion time capsule.

It's like they should be on a pedestal...

with someone next to them going, "This was 1965."

To me, the worst thing is shopping for pants.

I hate undressing in the little room.

What men need is a place to shop where you go in...

check your pants at the door and walk around in your underwear.

That would be best. Then you'd really have to lie to the salesman.

"Need some help?" "No, just getting some air."

How would you describe the smell in this house?

Dandruff?

Yeah, that's part of it. Kasha?

- There's some kasha. - Yeah. Dandruff, kasha, mothballs...

cheap carpeting. It's potpourri, really.

- All right, let's go. Come on. - You're going?

Yeah. We shouldn't have bowled that last game. I'm gonna be late.

These aren't candies, are they?

Did you use those? These are guest soaps.

Well, I'm a guest.

Now my parents are gonna know I had people over.

You're not allowed to have people over?

I can't have any parties while they're out of town.

This is a party?

Not anymore. Come on, get your ball. We're leaving. Let's go.

- Who put this cup on the new table? - I was having coffee.

- I put it on the coffee table. - But you didn't use a coaster!

You left a stain!

Whoa, boy, there's always one at every party, huh?

Come on.

- What's the big rush? - I'm having people over.

- Who? - The girls, for poker night.

You know, Joanne, Renee, Winona...

Winona's gonna be there?

Yeah. And she broke up with the vitamin guy.

- Really? - I'll put in a good word for you.

Thanks. Because I would really like...

- All right! I'm sorry, I'm sorry. - This not coming out.

- Just put a coffee-table book over it. - My parents don't read.

They'll wonder what a book is doing on the table.

Hey. You know what would make a great coffee-table book?

A coffee-table book about coffee tables.

Get it?

- Got it. Come on, let's go. - Wait. Not so fast.

Jerry, you gotta take me to get this thing refinished.

- Now? - Yes, now. It'll take a few days...

and my parents will be back. I gotta have it before then.

Jerry, you promised you'd get me home by 7.

- We'll take the subway. - That'll get you home in time.

- The subway? From Queens? - Jerry, I'm gonna get my coat.

I'm sorry, Elaine, I'll make it up to you.

I need something to read on the subway.

- Here, read this. - TV Guide ?

Like a history of coffee tables. Celebrities and their coffee tables.

It's a natural. This is a story that must be told.

So you're gonna talk to your boss about it, huh?

- First thing in the morning. - Yes indeed.

- Next stop, Queensborough Plaza. - Queensborough Plaza.

This stop is famous for its gyros. You want one?

How will you get something and get back on the train in time?

Well, they got a stand right out on the platform.

The gyros are cooked, wrapped and ready to go.

Three dollars, no change.

- You want one? - No, thanks.

All right. But no bites.

Highlighter?

- Excuse me? - To highlight the programs...

you plan to watch.

- Look, really, I'm just trying to read. - Fine, okay.

It's just I've never seen...

a beautiful lady reading the Guide ...

so far away from a TV.

You must really like television.

Elaine!

Guess your boyfriend will have to catch the next train.

- He's not my boyfriend. - He's not?

Interesting.

Maybe I should get Elaine something.

- Why? - Well, I didn't drive her home.

Plus, I give her a gift in front of Winona...

- how does that hurt me? - Can't hurt you.

What about this thing?

The Indian?

Yeah, you know, kind of a peace offering.

It's cute.

Well, I can have the table ready for you on Monday.

All right, but no later. My parents are coming back.

They left you home alone, huh?

Okay, see, on this particular Tuesday...

you could have watched six hours of Lucy.

There's I Love Lucy ...

The Lucy Show ...

Here's Lucy .

It's my stop.

Bye-bye.

Hey, miss, you forgot this.

They don't make these anymore. The work is all done by hand.

It takes years and years. Sylvia.

For crying out loud, you're 45 minutes late.

Yeah, yeah.

Is that your car out there?

- No, it's his. - Oh, nice.

You guys are obviously from Manhattan.

Well, he is. I live around the corner.

Really?

I didn't think any cool guys lived in this neighborhood.

Well, they do now.

The neighborhood's changing.

- All right, I'll take it. - Smart choice.

You bought the Indian? Oh, you guys have great taste.

Well, we're collectors.

We see objects of great beauty...

and we must have them.

Bluffed you out, jack. Pair of deuces.

- Who is it? - It's Jerry.

- Jerry. - Surprise!

What is this?

Well, I felt bad about this afternoon, so I got you something.

Oh, you did? Do you guys all know Jerry?

- Hi, Jerry. - Hi. Hi, Winona.

Nice to see you again.

- Elaine, is it your birthday? - No.

I don't need a reason to give gifts.

It's my nature. I love to make people happy.

Oh, that is so sweet.

- Are you ready? - Yeah.

It's a cigar-store Indian.

Read the card.

That's very nice. Thank you very much.

- Read it out loud. - I don't think so.

We had a little fight this afternoon.

"Let's bury the hatchet. We smokem peace pipe."

You know, it's late. I really should go.

I don't blame you, Winona. I...

Are you out of your mind?

It's kitschy.

Winona is a Native American.

She is?

You've got very unusual taste.

I hope prune juice is all right.

- It's the only thing that was chilled. - Oh, that's fine.

I'm sorry about that lock on the liquor cabinet.

The combination must have just flown out of my head.

It's a mental block.

Is this your son in the bubble bath?

No, that's me.

You don't see too many guys your age...

who keep baby pictures of themselves around.

I like it.

It's consistent with the rest of the house.

Yes, it is consistent.

I've tried to maintain a consistent feel throughout the house.

- What is this we're listening to? - The Ray Conniff Singers.

What's that smell? Kasha?

It's a potpourri. May I..?

May I show you the master bedroom?

- Who is it? - Winona, it's Jerry Seinfeld.

Yeah?

Listen, I really felt bad about what happened.

I'd really like to apologize. Could I come up?

I'll come down.

- I came by to get my ball. - It's right over there.

Yeah, thanks.

Yeah, it's got the magic grip.

How do you think I bowled that 220 today, huh?

Yo.

- Where did this come from? - Do you want it?

- I can have this? - Yeah.

- You wanna lug it uptown, it's yours. - Oh, I'll lug.

It's just that it's a very sensitive issue for me.

And well it should be. I think if you spent any time with me at all...

you'd see I'm very sensitive to these matters as well.

You wouldn't be hungry by any chance, would you?

I could go for a bite.

Do you like Chinese food? I went to a Szechwan restaurant...

in this neighborhood. I don't remember the address.

Excuse me, you must know where the Chinese restaurant is.

Why must I know? Because I'm Chinese?

You think I know where all the Chinese restaurants are?

Oh, ask honorable Chinaman for location of restaurant.

I thought because you're the mailman you would know the neighborhood.

Oh, hello, American Joe , which way to hamburger/hot-dog stand?

- I didn't know... - You know what, it's late.

- I should probably just go home. - I had no idea...

Hey, Jerry, look what I got.

He...

- Looks pretty good. - Yeah, did a good job.

- I don't think they'll be able to tell. - You know, I don't get it.

I'm not allowed to ask a Chinese person where a Chinese restaurant is?

I mean, aren't we all getting a little too sensitive?

Somebody asks me which way is Israel, I don't fly off the handle.