The Big Bang Theory

Previously on The Big Bang Theory...

Dad, this is Sheldon's mother, Mary.

- How do you do? - Nice to meet you.

- And, of course, Mom. - Hello, my hateful shrew.

Hello to you, you wrinkled old bastard.

Hey! I just got an email from the US Air Force.

I'm just afraid, if I respond, then they'll know I got it.

Dude, the minute you opened that email, they knew you got it.

I mean, they're probably looking at you through the camera right now.

Oh, God, I think someone's following us.

Turn left here, and see if he turns with us.

Why is he turning here? The restaurant's the other way.

I don't know, he uses that traffic app. Maybe there's an accident.

So, follow him.

Oh, no!

Leonard, if you don't mind, I think I'm a little tired.

- I'm gonna call it a night. - Sure, Dad.

I'm a little tuckered out myself, I will see you all in the morning.

- Would you like to share a cab? - That would be fine.

- Where are you staying? - I'm at the Westin.

Well, so am |I. Could I interest you in a nightcap?

I think that you could.

Leonard?

Leonard?

What?

You realize, you and I could become brothers.

We're not gonna be brothers, we're not gonna be stepbrothers.

Go to sleep.

I hope you're right.

"Cause a grown man living with his brother and his brother's wife is weird."

- Go to sleep. - Okay.

Do you think your father is doing unspeakable things to my mother?

No.

Are you saying that because the things are unspeakable?

Your parents are old, anything unspeakable was finished by 9:30. Go to sleep!

Very well.

I'm sorry if this stuff is gonna make the ceremony awkward.

God, I thought my brother, fresh out of jail

was gonna make everyone uncomfortable, but now this...

Hey, if you want me to sleep, you're going to have to stop talking.

Okay, I'm gonna go pick up my family.

Like, an hour and half, two hours, depending on traffic.

- Yeah, drive safe. - Okay, and do yourself a favor, all right?

When Beverly gets here, do not bring up last night. All right?

As far as you're concerned, you don't know anything,

you didn't see anything, I want you just to play dumb.

It was nice of her to show us "playing dumb" with an example.

What? Oh!

Hi. Okay. Hey, there. I'm sorry, I gotta go now.

- Penny, wait. - Why?

I wanted to thank you for going through all the trouble of planning

a second wedding ceremony for me.

But unfortunately, I cannot attend.

Why? What's wrong?

Are we still doing the dumb thing? Okay. Why, what's wrong?

I just cannot stay here, while your father goes out of his way to humiliate me.

Oh, golly! However did he humiliate you?

Stop it, Sheldon.

Do I say "stop what" or just throw in the towel?

I don't see why I should have to watch your father parade around

with some Bible-thumping bumpkin.

Excuse me! That is my mother you're talking about, however accurately.

Okay. Beverly, aren't you overreacting a little?

All we know is they shared a cab and had a nightcap.

- And turned their phones off. - Not helping, buddy.

Mother, Penny and I really want you to be part of this. Please stay?

Yeah, plus, if you leave, Alfred will know he got under your skin.

Well, we can't have that.

Also, if they did have coitus, we'll all be needing a skilled psychiatrist.

It is funny when you think about it.

Maybe to you, you didn't get a $500 traffic ticket.

Because you were driving like a lunatic.

Hey, if thinking secret government agents are chasing you makes you a lunatic,

then, yeah, okay.

Oh, I'll get it.

It didn't help that you couldn't walk a straight line

when the cop pulled you over.

I have performance anxiety.

You of all people should know that.

Hello.

I'm looking for a Howard Wolowitz.

Howard Wolowitz?

I have the right address, don't I?

Address?

Is he here?

Uh, no.

Do you know where I can find him?

- May I ask what this is about? - No, you may not.

Very well.

- Have him call me. - Okay.

Raj, who's at the door?

That's not him.

Ah, I can't wait for you to meet everyone. I told them all about you.

Like what? Do they know about your brother?

Not everything, just like, the jail and drugs part.

- Why would you do that? - What?

The world doesn't need to know our problems.

- Mom, I'm sorry, but I... - Hey, look.

They got Walgreens here, too.

You really think it's helpful to change the subject, Wyatt?

Just trying to make this a happy trip, dear.

Well, quit it!

Oh, uh, Randall, can't believe after all these years,

you finally get to visit me in California.

Well, good thing I was a nonviolent offender.

Otherwise, I couldn't have left the state.

All right, that's enough jail talk.

Penny knows where I was, she sent me cigarettes.

You sent your brother cigarettes?

He was cooking and selling crystal meth, Susan.

I think we can let the cigarettes slide.

Stop trying to be the cool dad.

You have a shirt with our cat's picture on it.

Anyway, we're here, slugger.

That's great! Now, they know where I live.

What are you talking about? They've always known where you live.

Yeah, if you wanna go off the grid,

you have to move out of your mother's house.

Can we take a moment to discuss that I just lied to the government for you?

Yeah, I would not have done that for you.

Howard, please just call the man, see what he wants?

All right, all right.

Hey. Make sure you tell him that you weren't home when he came by.

And that your Indian friend gave you the message,

the moment you stepped through the door.

Yes, hello. (CLEARS THROAT)

This is Howard Wolowitz, for Colonel Richard Williams.

I take it back, don't mention me.

Hi, Colonel Williams. How can I help you?

What? Yes, he is from India.

No, I don't know his immigration status.

Relax, I'm still on hold!

Speaking.

Okay, sure, I can meet with you on Thursday.

Caltech is fine. Yeah, and may I ask what this is about?

I may not?

That's what he said to me.

- Here you are, Mother. - Thank you.

I'm glad you decided to stay.

It's gonna be special for Penny and me to share this with you.

I can't wait for this day to be over.

Yeah, special, like that.

- (KNOCKING) - That's them.

Please don't make things any more awkward than they already are.

Right, so, less or equally awkward, got it.

- Hey, guys. Come on in. - Thank you.

- Good morning. - Morning.

- Hello. - How is everyone today?

- Good, and you? - Good, good.

- Good. - I'm good, too.

Good.

So, did you defile my mother, or not?

Sheldon! You're being rude.

If I may, I can assure you, your mother and I did nothing more

than share a cab and a conversation.

Did that conversation include the phrase, "Your genitals are a joy to behold"?

That's enough!

Look, I promise you, neither I, nor anyone has ever said that.

You don't know his girlfriend very well.

Or what a joy it is to behold my genitals.

All right, you guys, get settled in.

Then, we'll go across the hall, and say hi to everyone.

You know, it's hard to believe I've never met Leonard.

Well, he probably buys his illegal drugs from a local vendor.

- Not funny, Wyatt. - I thought it was really funny.

Thanks.

Well, fine. If everyone wants to make jokes about our problems,

then, I can, too. Knock-knock.

Who's there? Our family is an embarrassment.

That's not much of a joke.

Okay. Listen, Mom, I know you're nervous,

but I promise you, no one is going to judge you, or this family.

I'm sorry.

It's just we're meeting Leonard's parents for the first time.

And they're academics,

and intellectuals, and I don't want them thinking we're white trash.

Well, what color trash do you think they'll believe?

How could you think that I would spend the night with a man I just met?

A man named Jesus convinced you to build a church in Africa.

You're kind of a sucker.

Well, nothing happened. Right?

It's over, until we get married a third time,

you guys will never have to see each other again.

Well, you know, actually that's not the case.

Mary may visit me in New York.

And he's never been to Texas.

Maybe we meet halfway.

What? In the Chattahoochee National Forest in Georgia?

I can't be the only one that knows that's halfway.

You're not seriously going to visit each other?

And why wouldn't we?

Oh, please, you're just saying this to antagonize me.

Not at all. Mary happens to be a wonderful woman.

And if it antagonizes you, that's just a bonus.