The Big Bang Theory

Previously on The Big Bang Theory:

I'm going to the Arctic Circle with Leonard, Wolowitz and Koothrappali.

- For three months? - Yes.

What did you mean when you said you were going to miss me?

It means I wish you weren't going,

Oh, thank God we're home.

I can't believe we spent three months in that frozen hell,

It was like a snowy nightmare from which there was no awakening.

I don't know what Arctic expedition you were on...

I thought it was a hoot and a half.

Oh, hi, Mom.

No. I told you I'd call you when I got home. I'm not home yet.

All right. I'm home.

The Arctic expedition was a remarkable success.

I'm all but certain there's a Nobel Prize in my future.

Actually, I shouldn't say that. I'm entirely certain.

No, Mother, I could not feel your church group praying for my safety.

The fact that I'm home safe doesn't prove it worked.

That logic is post hoc ergo propter hoc.

No, I'm not sassing you in Eskimo talk.

- I'm gonna let Penny know we're back. - Mother, I have to go.

Yeah, love you. Bye.

Hello, old friend.

Daddy's home.

Leonard, you're back.

Yeah, I just stopped by to say...

- Yeah, so hi. - Hi.

Damn it, I should've gone over and told her we were back.

Yeah, it was first come, first serve.

I just want you both to know, when I publish my findings...

- I won't forget your contributions. - Great.

I can't mention you in my Nobel acceptance speech.

When I write my memoirs...

you can expect a very effusive footnote and perhaps a signed copy.

- We have to tell him. - Tell me what?

Damn his Vulcan hearing.

You are planning a party for me, aren't you?

Okay, Sheldon, sit down.

If there's going to be a theme, I should let you know...

I don't care for luau, toga or under the sea.

Yeah. We'll keep that in mind. Look, we need to talk to you...

about something that happened at the North Pole.

If this is about the night the heat went out...

there's nothing to be embarrassed about.

- It's not about that. - We agreed to never speak of it again.

So we slept together naked.

It was only to keep our core body temperatures from plummeting.

- He's speaking about it. - For me it was a bonding moment.

Sheldon, you remember the first few weeks...

we were looking for magnetic monopoles and not finding anything...

and you were acting like an obnoxious giant dictator?

I thought we were gonna be gentle with him.

That's why I added the "tator."

And when we finally got our first positive data...

you were so happy.

Oh, yes. In the world of emoticons, I was colon, capital D.

Well, ahem, in actuality, what your equipment detected...

wasn't so much evidence of paradigm-shifting monopoles...

as it was static from the electric can opener we were turning on and off.

He just went colon, capital O.

- You tampered with my experiment? - We had to.

It was the only way to keep you from being such a huge Dickensian.

You see that? I added the "ensian."

Did Leonard know about this?

Leonard's my best friend. Surely Leonard didn't know.

- It was his idea. - Of course it was.

The whole plan reeks of Leonard.

- I missed you so much. - I missed you too.

- I couldn't think of anyone else. - Me neither.

Except for one night when the heat went out.

Long story. It's... Don't ask.

Leonard. Leonard. Leonard.

Do not make a sound.

Whispering, "Do not make a sound"...

is a sound.

Damn his Vulcan hearing.

Not a good time, Sheldon.

Penny. Penny. Penny.

Ugh, this is ridiculous.

- What? - Hello, Penny.

I realize you're currently at the mercy of your biological urges...

but as you have a lifetime of poor decisions ahead, may I interrupt this one?

Great to see you too. Come on in.

Wolowitz has informed me of your grand deception.

Do you have anything to say?

Yes, I feel terrible about it. I will never forgive myself.

I don't expect you to. I'd appreciate it if you'd leave me with Penny...

for a session of self-criticism and repentance.

Can someone tell me what's going on here?

What's going on is I was led to believe I was making strides in science...

when in fact I was being fed false data...

at the hands of Wolowitz, Koothrappali and your furry little boy toy.

Is that true?

- It was the only way to make him happy. - Why'd you have to make him happy?

Because when he wasn't happy we wanted to kill him.

That was even a plan.

We were going to throw his Kindle outside.

And when he went to get it, lock the door and let him freeze to death.

- That seems like a bit of an overreaction. - No.

The overreaction was to tie your limbs to four different sled-dog teams...

and yell, "Mush!"

Look, we kept the original data. You can still publish the actual results.

Yes, but the actual results are unsuccessful.

I sent an e-mail to everyone at the university...

explaining I confirmed string theory...

and forever changed man's understanding of the universe.

Oh. See, yeah, you probably shouldn't have done that.

So write another e-mail. Set the record straight. It's no big deal.

You're right, Leonard. That's not a big deal.

All you did was lie to me, destroy my dream...

and humiliate me in front of the whole university.

That, FYI, was sarcasm.

I, in fact, believe it is a big deal.

- Oh. That poor thing. - Yeah, I feel terrible.

Wait. Aren't you gonna go talk to him?

Well, I... He'll be fine. The guy's a trouper. Come here.

No, no, you're right. You shouldn't talk to him. I will.

Man, I cannot catch a break.

- Hey. Do you wanna talk? - About what?

Being betrayed by my friends?

Spending three months at the North Pole for nothing?

And I didn't even get to go to Comic-Con.

Oh, hon...

Soft kitty, warm kitty.

That's for when I'm sick. Sad is not sick.

Oh, I'm sorry. I don't know your sad song.

I don't have a sad song. I'm not a child.

Well, you know, I do understand what you're going through.

Really? Did you have the Nobel Prize in waitressing...

stolen from you?

Well, no.

But, uh, when I was in high school, one of my friends heard...

I was gonna be named head cheerleader. I was so excited.

My mom even made me a celebration pie.

Then they named stupid Valerie Mosbacher head cheerleader.

Big old slutbag.

Are you saying that you think a celebration pie...

is even remotely comparable to a Nobel Prize?

Well, they're pretty tasty.

And on a different but not unrelated topic...

based on your current efforts to buoy my spirits...

do you truly believe that you were ever fit to be a cheer leader?

Look, I just don't think that the guys and Leonard...

really meant to hurt you. They just told an unfortunate lie...

to deal with a difficult situation. You know what it's like?

Remember the new Star Trek movie? Kirk has to take over the ship...

so he tells Spock stuff he knew wasn't true.

Like saying Spock didn't care his mom died.

I missed Comic-Con and the new Star Trek movie?

- I like the new look. - Thanks.

I call it the Clooney.

I call it the Mario and Luigi, but whatever.

Hey, how's Sheldon doing?

He came out of his room wearing his Darth Vader helmet...

and tried to choke me to death with the Force, so I'd say a little better.

If I may abruptly change the subject, did you and Penny finally...? You know.

- Howard. - I don't care...

but my genitals wanted me to ask.

Tell your genitals what I do with Penny is none of their business.

He says they didn't do it.

Sheldon, over here.

What are you doing?

Well, I feel bad for the guy.