Seinfeld

I never get enough sleep.

I stay up late at night 'cause I'm "night guy."

Night guy wants to stay up late.

"What about getting up after five hours of sleep?"

"Oh, that's morning guy's problem.

"That's not my problem. I'm night guy.

"I stay up as late as I want."

So you get up in the morning,

the alarm, you're exhausted, groggy.

Oh, you hate that night guy.

See, night guy always screws morning guy.

There's nothing morning guy can do.

The only thing morning guy can do

is try and oversleep often enough

so that day guy loses his job,

and night guy has no money to go out anymore.

Do you ever spit on anybody from here?

No. You?

No.

Do you ever think about it?

Yeah.

Me too.

Hey.

Hey.

Well, I got it.

You got me the air conditioner?

Well, what do you think?

Beautiful.

What air conditioner?

Well, my buddy works in an appliance store,

and he got us 30% off.

Is it a good one?

Good one? It's a Commando 8.

Commando 8?

Twelve thousand BTUs.

I thought you hated air conditioning.

You've never had an air conditioner.

Yeah, but Amy likes air conditioning.

Oh, you're getting an air conditioner for Amy.

Amy doesn't like the temperature up here.

She's a little hot.

All right.

Okay, so I'm gonna measure the window up, okay?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well...

Rock on!

I gotta get out of this city.

So you're tunneling to the center of the Earth?

I'm at the health club.

And while I'm in the pool,

some guy walks off with my glasses.

Who steals prescription glasses?

You don't have an old pair?

I broke 'em playing basketball.

He was running from a bee.

Now if I want to see anything,

I gotta wear these.

George, those are prescription goggles?

What is there to see in a health-club pool?

There's a lot of change down there.

When I find that guy, this much I vow:

Those glasses will be returned to their rightful owner!

We're behind you, Aquaboy. Godspeed.

What kind of a sick, demented person

wants another person's glasses?

Yeah, especially those frames.

You know what you ought to do?

Go see my friend Dwayne at J&T Optical on Columbus Avenue.

He'll give you 30% off.

Pssh. Yeah, come on.

Hey, he just got me 30% off on an air conditioner.

Really?

Retail is for suckers.

Wow. Uh... All right, what do I have to do?

You just gotta mention my name.

That's it?

That's it. Click!

What about these?

They look good. I liked the other one too.

I've liked about five of them.

Well, it's a tough decision. I have to wear these everyday.

I'm decidin' on a new face.

Come on, George. Pick a face and go with it.

Now, those look good. They're very bold.

Yes, they are bold.

Jerry, what do you think?

I think these women would be pretty good-lookin'

if they weren't wearing glasses.

Oh, hi there, little doggy.

Do you mind if I pet your dog?

It's okay with me.

Hi there, little doggy.

Hey, you can't have that dog in here.

You okay? Did he bite you?

Can you believe that guy?

I'm okay It's just a nip.

He just walked away!

And once again I'm standing here like a little man.

Well, not this time.

You! Dog man!

My leg looks pretty bad.

Let me take you over to the emergency room.

Okay.

Hey, any luck? Did you catch him?

Uh...no, no.

All right, I'm gonna take Elaine over to the hospital.

Good, good. Do that.

What's the matter?

Oh, nothing.

What is it?

I can't tell you.

Jerry, can we go?

Yeah, yeah, in a second, in a second.

What do you mean, you can't tell me?

I can't tell you. Don't ask.

I'm asking.

Jerry, my leg.

Yeah, yeah. Here. Take care of it.

Come on, George. What is it?

I saw Amy making out with your cousin Jeffrey.

What?

They were right outside.

Amy and Jeffrey?

Yes.

Are you sure?

Yes. Positive.

But you can't see. There's no lenses in those frames.

I know. I was squinting.

Okay, listen, Jerry, you just catch up with me, okay?

You can just follow the trail of blood.

We're gonna have to talk about this later.

Thank you.

Taxi!

Excuse me. What do you think of these?

Oh, we just got those in. It's a very exciting new frame.

Yes, it is exciting!

All right, this is gonna be my new face.

All right, do you have a prescription?

Yeah.

Kramer.

What?

Kramer.

What about him?

You do know Kramer.

Yes.

Well, I'm mentionin' his name.

Cha-chik!

Why?

Because... You know...

No, I don't know. Look, I'm gonna need a deposit on these.

Oh, come on. Cousin Jeffrey?

It's not possible.

Why not? They could've met.

She loves the park, he works for the Parks Department.

Oh...

Jerry, that is so ridiculous.

George didn't even have his glasses on.

But he was squinting.

So what? Squinting doesn't make that much of a difference.

Are you kidding? I've seen him squint.

He can squint his way down to, like, 20-30 vision.

Once we were driving down from the Catskills,

and he lost his glasses,

he squinted his way from Wurtsboro

down to the Tappan Zee Bridge.

He was spottin' raccoons on the road.

Okay.

Okay? That's it?

I--? I don't need a shot?

Not shot. Dog bite.

No, no, no. I know I wasn't shot.

Do I need a shot?

Not shot. Dog bite.

Woof-woof, not bang-bang.

Ah, look at this. Cable's out.

Oh, that's okay. We don't have to watch TV.

No, no, no.

No trouble at all. It's the principle of the thing.

I like them to know that I know what's going on,

that they're not...

getting away with anything.

Unh, I'm on hold.

So, what'd you do yesterday?

Yesterday?

Yeah. You remember yesterday.

Beautiful day, good day to be...out.

I didn't do anything.

Well, you must've done something.

Mmm...no, nothing really.

Didn't go out of the house?

Didn't take a walk on...

Columbus Avenue?

Well, I did go out for a little while.

Well, your day's getting more interesting already.

Oh. See?

Told me they'd be back in a minute,

and they lied.

You can't trust anyone.

No, you can't.