Seinfeld

At a hospital, the basic treatment everybody gets is to lie in a bed.

Whatever's wrong with a human being, lie down.

Doctor never says, "Well, your condition isn't as bad as we thought.

We want you to kind of lean against a doorjamb for seven to 10 days.

See how that feels."

Always a bed. Unless you go to the emergency room...

then it's a chair. You've been shot, stabbed, run over:

"Have a seat."

There's always an interesting cultural, ethnic mix to the hospital staff.

It's like a local news team in there.

The doctor's the anchorman. He's got white hair, he's in charge.

The nurse is the feature reporter, you know.

You listen to her, but it's always, "And now, back to your doctor."

The orderlies come in with food and bedpans.

That's like your sports and weather.

Then the baby's head comes out, and I'm screaming.

My brother, who's videotaping, turns green.

His eyes roll up in his head, and he blacks out.

He drops the camera, the camera breaks.

And then the placenta comes flying out.

- And then a doctor says... - Hey, thanks. That's enough.

Will you look at that kid. Sucking away like there's no tomorrow.

Suck, suck, suck.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Look at that, Jerry, look at that. - Yeah, I looked. I saw it.

- Does this make you uncomfortable? - No, no.

Uncomfortable? Not at all.

My friend's wife's breasts are out. Why would I be uncomfortable?

Look at him.

- So how long do they do this? - Year or two.

No break?

- After that comes the weaning. - After sucking comes weaning?

- First sucking, then weaning. - You gotta wean.

- Gotta wean. - Must wean.

- What about that spot I got, huh? - Yeah. I saw the spot.

You open the door to the car...

you walk right into the hospital. You can't beat that spot.

I am on a roll. Yeah.

I'm just willing these great parking spots.

George.

Maybe the baby would like to see the spot.

A positive, uplifting message to start his life out with, huh?

You can still get a great spot in this city if you apply yourself.

Where's Kramer? Shouldn't he be here?

- Did you give him the room number? - Yeah, 1397.

1937.

1937, 1937.

Excuse me. Do you know where the elevator is?

Yeah, it's right around the corner there. 1937.

Oh, God!

It's a pig-man.

A pig-man!

So anyway, Jerry, Elaine, we have something we wanna ask you.

You gotta look. I pulled it in perfectly equidistant...

- from the car in front and behind. - Would you shut up, George?

I'm taking a cab home. I can't take this anymore.

You were saying, Stan. I'm sorry about this.

Myra and I would like you and Elaine...

to be the godparents of Steven.

- Me? A godfather? - Yes.

Never go against the family, Elaine.

What?

Hey, I just saw a pig-man. A pig-man.

He was sleeping, and then he woke up and he looked at me...

and he made this horrible sound, this:

Kramer, what are you talking about?

I'm talking about a pig-man. I walked in the wrong room, and there he was.

- A pig-man? - A pig-man. Half pig, half man.

That's great, Kramer.

Anyway, tell us what's involved in being a godparent.

Elaine, never ask me about my business.

Godfather?

The most important thing is you help with the bris.

- The bris? - A bris?

- You mean, circumcision? - Yeah.

I would advise against that.

Kramer, it's a tradition.

So was sacrificing virgins to appease the gods...

- but we don't do that anymore. - Well, maybe we should.

Hey...

why are all those people milling around my car?

- I don't know. - Maybe they're admiring your spot.

- They're looking up. - Hey, there's a guy up on the roof.

That's the guy I told where the elevator was.

Oh, God, I hope he doesn't jump... Oh, my God!

My car!

My car!

A mohel? What the hell is a mohel?

A mohel is the person that performs a circumcision.

Well, where am I gonna find a mohel?

Motels, models...

How do you find a mohel?

Finding a mohel's easy. Any idiot can find a mohel.

I have to hold the baby while they do it.

That's a tough job. How would you like that?

Hey, Jerry, you ever seen one?

- Oh, you mean, that wasn't..? - Yeah.

- No, you? - Yeah.

What'd you think?

It had no face, no personality.

It was like a Martian.

- But, hey, you know, that's me. - Hey.

Well, I got the estimate.

It'll cost more to repair the roof than the car is worth.

I'm going over and seeing that hospital administrator today.

Someone is gonna pay for this, and it's not gonna be me!

- Oh, you're screwed. - I know.

Swan dives from 20 floors up, lands right on top.

What, do I got a bull's-eye up there?

He couldn't move over two feet, huh?

Land on the sidewalk, it's city property.

Well, I have to interview a mohel.

How about our little Elaine, huh?

Attended the finest schools on the eastern seaboard...

equestrian competitions, debutante balls. Look at her now.

Interviewing mohels.

Yeah!

- What's the matter? - You all right?

Don't ever question my instincts, because my instincts are honed.

- Look at that. Look, look. - What now?

"Hospital receives grant to conduct DNA research.

Government funds genetic research at area hospital." Yeah, so?

Pig-man, baby, pig-man.

If I have to hear about this pig-man one more time...

Hey, I'm telling you, the pig-man is alive.

The government's been experimenting with pig-men since the '50s.

Just because the hospital's conducting DNA research...

doesn't mean they're creating mutant pig-men.

Jerry, will you wake up to reality? It's a military thing.

They're probably creating a whole army of pig warriors.

I'll tell you something. I wish there were pig-men.

Get a few pig-men walking around, suddenly I'm looking a lot better.

If someone wanted to fix me up, they could say, "At least he's no pig-man."

Believe me, there'd be plenty of women going for these pig-men.

Whatever the deformity, there's always some group attracted to it.

"That little tail really turns me on."

That's just about enough.

- This doesn't interest you? - Oh, no, it's fascinating...

but could you do me a favor?

Could you tape...

the rest of the "pig-men and the women who love them" discussion?

And I'll listen to it the next time I'm here.

I gotta go find a mohel.

You know, you should call that off, Elaine. It's a barbaric ritual.

Perhaps one day when the pig-men roam free, it will be stopped, Kramer.

Until then, off with their heads.

- Kramer, isn't it a question of hygiene? - It's a myth.

Besides, it makes sex more pleasurable.

Yeah. So how does that help me?

- George, you ever see one? - Yeah, my roommate in college.

Yeah, what'd you think?

I got used to it.

All right, I wanna see the pig-man. Show me the pig-man.

Don't worry, I'll show you. And you'll never be the same.

Maybe he's just a guy with a nose like this:

A lot of people have a nose like this. They're not necessarily pig-men.

Believe me, Jerry, somewhere in this hospital...

the anguished oink of pig-man cries out for help.

Yeah, well, if I hear an anguished oink, I'm out of here.

I don't see any pig-men.

I see human, human, human.

- Wait a second. - What?

Oh, it's George.

The administrator's on the third floor. I'll meet you at the car.

Wait, George. You got room in the car for the pig-man, huh?

The pig-man can take the bus.

George, if the pig-man had a car, he would give you a ride.

How do you know? What if the pig-man had a two-seater?

Be realistic, George.

I'll tell you what, if pig-man shows up, we'll squeeze him in.

- I'll see you later. - Yeah.

- Mr. Costanza, come in, come in. - Thank you.

It's been a very trying couple of days around the hospital.

Doctors, patients, everyone...

just grief-stricken over this unfortunate occurrence.

Well, I join them in their grief.

Horrible thing. Flew right past the children's wing.

All the sick children in the playroom, looking out the window...

just traumatized by the incident.

Apparently they thought he was flying. You know how children are.

"Oh, look, a man is flying. A man is flying!"

And then splat.

That's where I come in.

On "splat."

You see, Mrs. Sweedler... Or is it Hospital Administrator Sweedler?

- Mrs. Sweedler is fine. - Mrs. Sweedler. Thank you very much.

You see, this tragedy has affected me in a very...

A very personal way.

- How is that? - Yes, well, you see...

the deceased...

landed on my car.

The splat, as it were, actually occurred on the roof of my car.

Now, of course, I can't help but feel that...

had it been a convertible, this whole tragedy might have been averted.

But I've never really been the kind of guy to buy a convertible...

what with the baldness and everything.

Well, I have known bald men who owned convertibles.

They wore a hat.

Yes, but then everything's all pulled down, and it's... Anyway.

The damage, unfortunately...