Seinfeld

The whale's supposed to be an intelligent animal.

You hear about how they communicate by song from miles away...

how extensive their vocabulary is.

From the rate we're pushing the whales off the beach...

back into the ocean, the words "shore" and "close"...

do not appear to be in their vocabulary.

I'd say to them, "Concentrate less on the singing...

a little more on the approaching Cuervo beach volleyball tournament...

if you want to maintain that brainy-mammal image."

I can't believe this. What a dope!

Excuse me. I'm sorry.

This is... This is kind of embarrassing...

but there's no toilet paper over here.

Are you talking to me?

Yeah. I just forgot to check, so if you could spare some...

No, I'm sorry.

- What? - No, I'm sorry. I can't spare it.

- You can't spare it? - No. There's not enough to spare.

Well, I don't need much. Just three squares will do it.

I'm sorry, I don't have three squares. Now, if you don't mind...

Three squares? You can't spare three squares?

No, I don't have a square to spare. I can't spare a square!

Well, is it two-ply? Because if it's two-ply, I'll take one ply.

One ply. One puny little ply. I'll take one measly ply!

Look, I don't have a square and I don't have a ply!

No, no, don't go! I beg you!

I love this artificial flavoring.

I like it better than butter. I think it's more consistent.

You would not believe what just happened to me in the bathroom.

- Hey. - Hey.

- Hey, where's my popcorn, babe? - What?

My popcorn. You were supposed to get me popcorn.

Did you forget about me, babe?

You would not believe what just happened to me in the bathroom.

I mean, a person needs a certain amount of toilet paper to be covered.

I simply could not spare it.

This woman just didn't get it. She kept harassing me.

Three squares! That's all I was asking for.

Three squares!

She wouldn't stop. "Help me! Help me!"

She was insane.

I was begging her.

"Please, please!"

She was insane.

Who does she think she is? How dare she?

Do you want me to get the manager?

Too bad they don't have old ladies walking around with flashlights.

- Flush her out. - I don't even know what she looks like.

I wonder where Elaine is sitting. I really wanted you to meet her.

She's supposed to be here with her new boyfriend.

I wonder where Jerry's sitting.

He's supposed to be here with his new girlfriend.

- I'm dying to see what she looks like. - Hey.

You think if I jumped off that balcony, I'd get hurt?

- Hey. Hey, guy. - Hey.

Can I use your phone in your bedroom?

What's the matter with yours?

My batteries are dead.

It's not one of those 976 calls, is it?

Come on. Let me use it. Five minutes. I'll pay you back.

Why do you do that?

I am never going to the movies again.

Where were you last night? I looked for you.

I looked for you too. I was over on the side.

Oh, with pretty boy Tony.

- Yeah, right. Okay. - "Hey. Hey." Tony.

- "Hey." - That's nice. Listen to this.

I am in the bathroom, right, before the movie starts...

and I'm in the stall, and there's no toilet paper.

No what?

Toilet paper.

So...

I ask this woman in the stall next to me for some...

and she refuses!

Well, maybe she couldn't spare it.

- A square? - Well, you know...

sometimes a square is everything.

- A ply? - Elaine, you cannot judge a person...

in a situation like that. It's like asking for someone's canteen in the desert.

- It's battle conditions. - Yeah, well...

I just hope I run into her again, okay?

Because I will never forget that flinty voice. It is tattooed in my brain.

If I hear it, watch out.

So listen, what happened with Jane last night?

Jane, she... She...

The four of us are going out Saturday. That should be fun.

Yeah, that should be real fun.

- It's getting late. Can I call Tony? - Yeah.

Then we'll get a cab and we'll do it in the back seat.

How's that, Andre?

- Andre? - What about the driver?

- We'd get in an accident. - So what?

Well, that wouldn't be very good.

Hey, Andre, get the hell off the phone!

- What is going on? Who is Andre? - Kramer's Andre.

He's fooling around with these 976 numbers.

Hey, I told you, I don't want you doing that on my phone!

Jerry, I'm telling you, this phone-sex thing is hilarious.

Like this Erica woman. Here, look.

You gotta call her. What a voice she uses.

You know, it's weird, because that voice sounded familiar to me.

- You hungry? Wanna..? Monk's? - No. I gotta go downtown.

- You're giving me a lift home, right? - Yeah.

So listen, what happened last night with Jane?

Oh, nothing. She just choked on a Jujube.

You know, I hate to tell you this, but it is time to defrost your freezer.

I know. I just can't bring myself to do it.

Meanwhile that freezer keeps getting smaller and smaller.

Don't wanna keep Tony waiting.

- Hey, you got a problem with Tony? - Hunky Tony. "Hey."

Okay. Jerry, I would be going out with him no matter what he looked like.

- Of course you would. - Oh, yeah. Like you're one to talk.

- Elaine... - What?

It's different for a man. We're expected to be superficial.

- I'm not being superficial. - Elaine, he's a male bimbo.

He's a "mimbo."

He's not a mimbo.

He is an exciting, charismatic man...

who just happens to have a perfect face.

And that's why you're going out with him.

No, it is not.

You know, I think George has a non-sexual crush on him.

I think he does too.

I mean, every time I see him, it's Tony this, Tony that.

George is like a schoolgirl around him.

So I said:

"Hey, dude...

you better step off."

- Step off? - Yeah.

You said, "Step off"?

God, that is too much!

Hey, hey, Tony...

I just had this brainstorm for us.

- Can you guess what it is? - No.

Bowling.

What do you say? Bowling, huh?

Bowling's insane! Bowling is crazy time!

Bowling?

I don't think so, George. You get no rush from bowling.

Rush? You want a rush?

Drop a ball on your toe, my friend!

Talk about a rush, you'll be throbbing!

- You'll see visions! - No, no, no.

I'm thinking...

rock climbing.

All right! Rock climbing!

Just the two of us? All right. All right. Hey, I'll make some sandwiches.

What do you like? Tuna, peanut butter?

- Whatever. - All right. I gotta buy some bread.

You know, I am definitely down for some rock climbing.

Yeah, me too. I am down. I am totally down.

Mark me down.

Cool. So, what do you say we climb a rock mañana?

Mañana.

Mañana might be a problem. I'm supposed to...

have a boil lanced mañana...

and I think they charge me if I cancel with only one mañana's notice.

- Hey, Kramer! - Hey, Tony.

- Hey! - Hey, Georgie.

Kramer, my man, what are you doing mañana?

Mañana I'm doing nada.

What do you say you scale some rock with me and George?

Tony, that's gonna be too many sandwiches.

Come on, Kramer. What do you say?

Kramer, it's pretty dangerous up there.

- No, I'm down. - Yes!

- Yeah! I'll see you. - All right, buddy. Take it easy, Kramer.

You down, George? What's wrong?

- Oh, no, I am down. - Yeah!

Rock climbing?

Where do you come off going rock climbing?

Rock climbing?

You need a boost to climb into your bed.

All right. All right.

What is it with you and Tony? What, you're his sidekick now?

Yeah. That's right. I like it.

He's such a cool guy.

"A cool guy"? What, are you in eighth grade?

He's the first cool guy I've ever been friends with in my life.

It's a different world when you're with a cool guy.

He's not afraid of anybody.

You should hear the way he talks to waitresses.

He gets free pie!

- Hey. - Hey.

- Nice move today. - What?

Horning in on my rock-climbing trip!

It's just supposed to be me and Tony.

- He asked me. - You put him on the spot.

You know, I think that you're in love with him.

What?

- That's ridiculous! - No, no. I don't think so.

You love him.

You better be careful on those rocks tomorrow, buddy.

And you're not getting any sandwiches either!

- You're making sandwiches? - Hello?

I don't know if there's gonna be places to eat up there.

- Who? - Elaine, does Tony like peanut butter?

Hates it.

Good thing I asked.

Who is it?