Seinfeld

The bus is the single stupidest, fattest...

slowest, most despised vehicle on the road, isn't it?

Ever notice when you get behind a bus, people go:

"What are you doing? Get away. Come on."

The back of the bus, it's like an eclipse, isn't it?

People are just like, "The sun. Where is the sun?"

It's like this huge metal ass...

just taking up the whole windshield of your car.

When it pulls out, it even sounds like a fat uncle trying to get out of a sofa.

- It's just not good. It's not good. - It's not good.

I'm bored. She's boring, I'm boring. We're both boring.

We go out to eat, read newspapers.

- At breakfast, everybody reads. - No, lunch, we read.

- Dinner, we read. - You read during lunch?

- Yeah. - Oh, well.

- Nothing to talk about. - What's there to talk about?

At least we're talking about how there's nothing.

Talk with her about how there's nothing.

She knows there's nothing.

- At least she'll be talking. - Oh, shut up.

- Hey, look who's here. - Hey, Al.

- Hey, Al. How's it going? - Deeply in love.

We have so many things to talk about.

Sometimes, we'll talk all night...

till the sun comes up.

- So how about you? - Oh, I'm seeing someone, yes.

- You know her. Daphne Bauer. - Great girl.

We have no need to speak.

We communicate with deep, soulful looks.

Like Dwight and Mamie Eisenhower.

- Did you hear about Fulton? - Yeah.

Yeah, I went by the hospital to see him a few days ago.

Think he'd really like you to visit.

- Me? - Yeah.

- Said he could use a good laugh. - What about me?

He didn't mention you.

This is my stop.

- See you. - Yeah, see you.

"Deeply in love."

You can't say something bad about relationships...

you shouldn't say anything at all.

I didn't know Fulton was in the hospital.

"Could use a good laugh."

You know what pressure that is?

Come on, come with me.

I'm not good in these situations.

I... I can't hide my pity.

I... I make them feel worse.

- Oh, stop it. - Also, I'm afraid...

that people in that state are finally gonna tell me what they really think.

They got nothing to lose. What do they care?

- So you're not gonna come? - No, but say hello for me.

- Hey. - Hey.

- Hey, Mick. - Hey, Jerry.

- What's doing? - Nothing. You?

Same old, same old.

George, this is Mickey.

- Hi. Nice to meet you. - Pleasure.

- How's work going, you guys? - Let's not talk about it.

- You got a job? - Yeah. Mickey hooked me up.

We're stand-ins for the actors on All My Children .

Mickey's a stand-in for an 8-year-old kid...

and I stand in for the kid's father.

But I got a big problem.

The kid I stand in for, he's growing.

He was 4 feet last month.

Now he's like 4'2" and a half.

He shot up 2 and a half inches.

I can do 4'2 ", 4'3" is a stretch.

Any higher, I'm gonna be out on my ass...

doing that paralegal crap.

How do you stop a kid from growing?

I told you, you should offer him some cigarettes.

I offered him cigarettes...

but his stupid mother's always hanging around.

She won't let him have any.

- What about lifts? - Out of the question.

Can't you just switch with another midget?

It's "little people."

- You got that? - Easy, Mickey. Easy.

Yeah.

We gotta get back to the show. What are you guys doing?

- Going to the hospital to visit Fulton. - Well, say hello for me.

Now, look. We're gonna stop at the shoemaker right now.

You gotta get some lifts for your shoes.

Lifts? Kramer, you don't understand. This kind of thing is just not done.

- You wanna keep your job? - Yeah, but...

- No buts. - Kramer...

Hey.

Fulton!

It's me.

Hey, Jerry. Good to see you.

- I could use a good laugh. - Who couldn't?

- I haven't cracked a smile in months. - Oh, don't worry. You'll crack.

Cracking's inevitable.

First you crack, then you chuckle.

That was the Russians' motto at the Siege of Leningrad:

First you crack, then you chuckle.

You know, because Leningrad...

when the Nazis attacked, it wasn't a very happy time.

Because of the war.

Famine.

Plus, it was cold. Very cold.

They were eating each other.

Maybe this isn't a good time for a visit.

No, it's a fine time.

All right. There's a priest, a minister and a rabbi, and they're all skydiving.

So how are the eggs?

Eggs are eggs.

Eggs are eggs.

That is very profound.

By the same token, could you say, "Fish is fish"?

I don't think so.

- Listen, Daphne... - Daphne.

Daphne.

I have to tell you something. This is very difficult...

Oh, I forgot to tell you.

Al Nechy called me today.

Yeah. I bumped into him on the bus. What did he have to say?

He told me not to get involved with you.

- What? - Yeah.

He said you could never make a commitment...

and you'd just wind up hurting me.

He said that?

What a nerve.

How dare he say something like that.

- Is it true? - Of course not.

I mean, sure, there may have been one or two occasions in the past...

when I may have reacted...

in an impulsive or somewhat immature manner...

but those days are well behind me.

How long are you gonna be away for, Daddy?

I'm not really going away.

I told you, I'll be back every other weekend.

Don't go, Daddy. Don't go.

Now, Porter...

you know your mother and I love you very much...

but...

sometimes people fall out of love.

Now, give me a big hug.

And there's your scene.

- Stand-ins? - Yo.

All right, you guys. Get on their spots. We gotta fix the lights.

That's good work.

All right. Ready.

How long you gonna be away for, Daddy?

I'm not really going away.

I told you I'd be back every other weekend.

Don't go, Daddy. Don't go.

Now, listen, Porter.

You know your mother and I love you very much...

but sometimes people fall out of love.

Now, give me a big hug.

All right. Kramer.

Kramer.

Okay, that's lunch, everybody. One hour.

- How do those lifts feel? - Quiet.

- Hi, guys. - Hey, Tammy.

You look different.

- Have you been working out? - Not that I know of.

Whatever it is, keep doing it. You look great.

- How about lunch? - Oh, I can't today...

but I see it in our future.

- See you, Kramer. - Yeah.

Bye, Mickey.

- Oh, she likes you, buddy. - Yeah.

Yeah.

- All of a sudden. - What?

Hey, Mick.

- How you doing, Johnny? - What gives? What's going on?

- You going out with Tammy? - Maybe.

What's it to you?

There's something different about you.

- I got my hair cut, that's all. - No, that's not it. Something else.

Yeah. You look different.

You don't. You got the same ugly mug you had since the day I met you.

I don't know what it is, but I'll find out.

I'll find out.

Don't believe him.

So she's just sitting there, and then Pachyderm...

You remember the 'Derm. He says, "I'm gonna go up to her."

So he picks up the two pieces of pizza and...

And they're steaming hot.

They're burning his hands, so he's juggling.

He's throwing them in the air.

And just as he gets up to her, down they go.

Well, we all just lost it.

It was really, really funny.

- Hey, Jerry. - Hey, Phil. How you doing?

- You look terrific. - I got my health.

Well, that's the most important thing.

Hey, how you doing, Fulton?

Octane, butane, night train!

- How's he doing? - He could use a couple laughs.

You should've told the story about Pachyderm dropping the pizza.

I told it. Yeah.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Hey, you know what? As I was leaving, I saw Phil Tatola.

He is one of the greatest guys.

- Do I know him? - No. But of all the guys I know...