Batman: The Brave and the Bold

I declare, Mary, with that War Between the States nonsense behind us,

it feels good to laugh again.

John Wilkes Booth. Halt, you insidious secessionist.

Ooh!

You're safe now, Mr. President.

Why, who are you?

Just a long-time admirer.

The glorious South will never be defeated!

A-ha!

Say hello to John Wilkes Boom!

Time to bring down the curtain on a Yankee rodent!

Huh?

My rail-splitting days are long gone, but I still know how to swing an ax.

Sic semper tyrann...

There. The engine of his infernal steam-powered suit.

Aim for that valve.

Sic semper tyrannis! The South shall rise again. The Confederacy forev...

That was quite a timely rescue, sir.

Thanks to you, reconstruction of our great Union can now continue unabated.

It was my honor to fight by your side, President Lincoln...

Oh!

...of Parallel Universe 5501.

At last. With the contents of this Ocean Lab,

I will have all the components needed

to restore ape-kind to its rightful place at the top of the food chain!

Cease your simian siege now, Gorilla Grodd.

Fools. No creature on land or sea can match my superior intellect.

Then it's a good thing it's not wits we've come to battle.

Are you seeing what I'm seeing?

Because I'm seeing gorillas riding sharks stealing an Ocean Lab.

How wacky and original.

Is what I'd be saying if they hadn't been doing

this exact same thing 64 episodes in a row.

You can read about this adventure in my next memoir:

Aquaman Versus the Primate Pugilist.

And cue the catchphrase. "Outrageous."

B.T.B.A.T.B., what was once so fresh has become formula.

It feels like only yesterday

we learned the next Batman cartoon would be a lighter incarnation.

Fanboys everywhere panicked.

But it was for nothing, because what we got was a love letter to Silver Age comics.

The show had it all. A perfectly cast Diedrich Bader as Batman.

Aquaman was cool again.

Guest stars like Tim Conway, NPH, Adam West,

and the one and only Paul Reubens.

And then came its greatest episode,

"Chill of the Night!" It was dark and brooding,

but it reminded us of how much we missed the serious Batman.

We longed for more episodes like that. Instead we got more like this:

You were great in your day, campy crusader, but now you've...

What's that expression again?

That's it. You've jumped the shark.

That moment when a once-great show starts going downhill.

Give him a taste of your Bat Shark Repellent, old chum.

I want a new, more dramatic Batman show.

Of course, that's not going to happen until this one's canceled. Canceled.

That's it. I'll use my fifth dimensional powers to make the show so bad,

it won't just jump the shark, it'll do a quadruple spinning backflip over it.

The network will have to take it off the air.

Now let's see, to do that I'll need to add a love interest,

give Batman an adorable kid, replace a favorite character with a different actor.

And of course, hire Ted McGinley.

This is going to be fun.

You haven't seen the last of Grodd, Batman!

Oh, I have a feeling we have.

Diabolical. With the contents of that Ocean Lab,

Grodd can create a device that turns humans into bananas.

- Grodd has to be stopped... - Time to make Batman bad.

Question is...

Daddy. Daddy. Look at me.

Whee!

Please, Kiki, Daddy is trying to work.

Kiki, were you riding your tricycle through the cave again

when Mommy told you not to?

It was an accident.

And I thought Joker was a handful.

Poor Batman.

He doesn't even notice I'm making his world wacky.

Looks like Grodd is making trouble.

Right here in Gotham City. Gotta go, sweetheart.

It's crime time, and I can't be late.

And a thousand fanboys just threw their TVs out the window.

But what next? Hmm.

I know.

Fans hate it when Batman uses gadgets the toy company forced into the show.

To the Bat-Luge.

Neon talking super street Bat-Luge: Activate.

Ready when you are, Caped Crusader.

Get low and let's go.

Who doesn't love toy company meddling?

The Brave and the Bold is starting to stink worse than Gorilla Grodd's armpits.

Batman will be off the air in no time.

Cancel Brave and the Bold?

What's he think he's doing?

Bat-Mite may be an all powerful being from the fifth dimension.

But he's not a god. Or, more importantly, a network programmer.

Someone's gotta stop him. This sounds like a job for Ambush Bug.

But first, a word from our sponsors.

I sure hope everyone is hating my changes as much as I'm loving them.

Destination ahead, Batman.

Thanks neon talking super street Bat-Luge. Engage ejection mode.

Happy landings, Batman.

Ah, there you are, old chum.

For the next shark jump,

I think I'll recast the show's breakout character.

Sorry Aquaman's John DiMaggio, but you're being replaced.

The role of Aquaman

will now be voiced by Ted McGinley.

That evil anthropoid is rampaging through Gotham.

Aquaman, are you okay? You seem a little off.

I wouldn't know what you're talking about, old chum.

Now the moment of truth: Let's see if the show's prime demographic

is ready to change the channel yet.

Boy, this show really took a nosedive this season.

Wanna see what else is on?

No, let's keep watching, Dad.

Batman won't let us down. He never has before.

Prepare, Gotham, to suffer the effects of my Banana Beam!

Ape-kind will never go hungry again! Huh?

Destroy them!

Careful not to slip on the citizens, Aquaman.

This calls for action. To the extreme.

Neon talking super street Bat-Luge, activate.

Let's get low and let's go.

It's official: Worst Batman show ever.

You have to stop this, Bat-Mite.

Ambush Bug? You're a pretty obscure hero even for this show.

You do not understand the forces you're playing with, babe.

Wrong. I understand perfectly.

As viewers at home turn off Batman's show,

his universe will collapse bit by bit until it's completely gone.

And a new, better show can take its place.

I'm not gonna let you do this to Batman.

He exists for more than just your personal enjoyment.

Obstacle ahead: Engaging eject mode.

Careful, citizen.

You could have been hurt by neon talking super street Bat-Luge.

Batman, your universe is being changed piece by piece

and soon it will be erased from existence.

You've got to fight it.