Will & Grace

Hey.

When did you start reading a tennis magazine?

Since I realized the men wear shorts,

even in winter.

When did I become that guy?

Ugh, Barneys was crazy.

Okay, what would you do

if there was only one size four cashmere camisole,

and this woman starts crying

and says she needs it to wear to a funeral?

-You'd have to give it to her, right? -Yeah.

Good, I think I'll use that one again.

So, are you packed?

We have to leave in like 45 minutes.

For what?

Danny's wedding. It's this weekend.

What, you were serious about that?

Of course, why wouldn't I be?

Because why would you want to go to your ex-fiance's wedding?

You didn't show up when you were the bride, why show up now?

I have to, I was invited.

If I don't go, it'll seem like I'm devastated

because he's getting married before me.

-Which you are. -Which I am.

But if I go as the sexy, independent, carefree ex-girlfriend

in the fabulous cashmere camisole

that makes me look booby and rich, then I win.

So this is just some sort of petty game

to show up someone you don't even really care about anyway?

Yeah.

Then I'm on board.

Hey, what's new?

Oh really, that's good, that's great,

you guys work hard, you deserve it.

What's new with me?

Mmm, not too much. Looking good, smelling good.

If I weren't so busy, I'd date myself.

Okay, I read about this,

you're never supposed to wake them.

What's new with my son Elliot, you ask?

Oh, boy!

Hey, how you doin'?

I'll call you, or not.

Wow, Elliot, the hair,

it's-- it's very... "Nice day for a white wedding."

Well, I think it's cool.

Chicks seem to like it. Do you like it?

I think it's very--

No, no, no. If you wanna know about gay stuff, ask Grace.

If you wanna know about girl stuff, ask Will.

I gotta say, this feels a little weird.

Are you sure we're even invited to the rehearsal dinner?

Well, we weren't not invited. Mix in.

Gracie? Hey, you're here. I wasn't sure you'd come.

Hi, well I was the runaway bride,

I didn't wanna be the runaway guest.

I'm so fine with this.

And Will, I should have guessed

you'd be the plus one.

Well, that's me, always the plus one, never a bride.

Ah, speaking of which,

I want you guys to meet someone. Honey?

Uh-huh?

Sweetie, this is Grace and her friend Will.

Guys, this is Sarah.

- Hi. -Oh, Grace, the decorator, right?

-Mm-hm. -Yeah, I saw that piece on you

in that Architectural Digest thing? You're kind of famous.

Oh.

Let's not forget House and Garden

and World of Interiors,

but who's keeping track?

And what do you do, Will?

-I'm a lawyer. -Oh, I'm sorry.

-Well, uh, see you guys. -Yeah, bye.

God, I hate when people do that.

They hear the word "lawyer," and they just shut down.

It's like they stop listening at that moment.

I'm prettier, right?

No, no, I'm staying at Will and Grace's.

Yeah, they're gone all weekend, mm-hmm.

I don't know, I think they're on their honeymoon.

Okay. Hate you, call me later. Bye-bye.

Knock-knock, anybody homo?

I am! I am!

So listen, Jackie, Stan and I had this

tropical getaway planned for next week,

but seeing as how he's in the prison

warding off French kisses from a 500-pound felon named Tiny,

I got an extra ticket.

Jamaica! Oh my-- Ooh, look at that hot cabana boy.

His sarong is so wrong.

Oh, it's heaven, honey. They pick you up at the airport

and whisk you away in a covered limo.

You never once have to look at a local. It's good.

- Oh, wait, I can't go. -What?

Thursday is career day at Elliot's school,

and I only have a week to figure out what I do.

I'm thinking Hugh Jackman's body double

or Secretary of State.

Oh, kids ruin everything.

I mean, look at the stitching on this thing, huh?

You cannot trust a 10-year-old to do a good hidden button.

Oh, come on, Jackie. Come to the islands, mon.

No, I can't. Stop it.

I promised his mother I'd be there.

It's Bonnie, open up.

Oh, that's her, okay.

She really counts on me, you know? Looks up to me, in a way.

And why wouldn't she? She's shorter.

Jack McFarland, I'm gonna kick your sorry ass.

Come on, grab a chair, let's sit down.

We're gonna have some toasts.

First, we're gonna start with Sarah's college roommate.

-Everybody, Beth. -

When Sarah and I were freshmen at SUNY Potsdam, woo!

-Woo! -

We realized that we shared two things:

a love of the poetry of Emily Dickinson

-and a love of chocolate. -

It wasn't until--

So this guy who rear ends me,

he's got some ass-faced lawyer.

Before I know it, I'm paying his medical bills.

Oh, hi. I'm Polly, this is Wayne.

I'm manic-depressive, and he raises dogs.

Nice to meet you. I'm Grace, I'm an interior designer,

and this is my friend Will, he's a--

Professional tennis player.

Okay, Sarah's gotten hers, now let's get somebody

-up here to give Danny a hard time. -Yeah.

Where's his ex-girlfriend?

Grace, are you here?

Oh, um, uh, no, no, I didn't prepare anything.

Um, just, uh, good luck.

Oh, come on, Grace. No one expects you to be funny.

Just... just wing it.

Come on, Grace.

Grace.

Yeah, come on. You're the ex. Tell us.

Feel bad about giving this one up?

Oh, God no.

No, no, I mean he's a great guy,

but come on, I've always thought about having a child

but not as a husband.

I'm not saying he's immature,

but, um, do most guys need to get a treat when they flush?

But, uh, to give him a little credit,

I do remember our first Valentine's Day.

He gave me the greatest gift,

and it only took six to eight weeks to get rid of it.

I mean, what the hell were you thinking?

I come home from a double shift,

and I find Jonny Quest in my kitchen

eating a bologna sandwich?

Hey, how about a thank you

for taking your kid from bland to blond, huh?

Hmm, let's see.

Squeaky, rude, drunk. You must be Karen.

Oh, sweet, he faxed you my bio.

Listen, I don't mind Elliot hanging around with you, Jack,

but when he comes home with the gay haircut,

looking all downtown weird--

At least his hair says something now. It says "Pow! Bam!"

Come on, before the hairpins start flyin',

maybe I can help.

Now... Roger, is it?

Bonnie.

Oh, pretty.

Listen, Bonnie, I've got this maid, Rosario,

been with me forever.

Now, I have had her stomach stapled,

her teeth fixed, her hair dyed,

she's been de-moled, de-clawed, de-loused--

What's your point?

My point is... I think I may have broken her spirit.

How would you like to come work for me?

Okay, come on.

You know, if there were any justice in the world,

there's be an alligator somewhere carrying you as a handbag.

Look, Jack, bottom line, okay?

I'm his mother, I make the rules.

Well, here's a bottom line for your bottom line.

I'm his father, and I get to make up some of the rules, too.

This is a big newsflash for you.

You're not his father, I'm his father,

and his mother, and until he was eight years old

I was Santa-freaking-Claus, all right?

You got no rights, Jack. You're just a test tube

that I picked up before they threw it away.

I'm sick of it. I don't want you to see my son anymore.

You know, maybe there is an alligator

running around somewhere with me as a handbag.

I mean, who knows what they do with my old skin.

Surprised to see you in a suit, Will.

I thought you'd be wearing your tennis skirt.

No one thinks you're funny.

Hey, you were funny last night.

Everybody's still talking about it.

Oh, please, this weekend's not about me.