The Big Bang Theory

No, see, the liquid-metal terminators were created in the future by Skynet...

...and Skynet was developed by Miles Dyson...

...but that future no longer exists due to Dyson's death in Terminator 2.

Okay, then riddle me this.

Assuming all the good terminators...

...were originally evil terminators created by Skynet...

...then reprogrammed by the future John Connor, why would Skynet...

...an artificial computer intelligence...

...bother to create a petite, hot, 17-year-old killer robot?

Skynet is kinky? I don't know.

Artificial intelligences do not have teen fetishes.

- All right, wait. They use it to lure-- - Eh! Too late, I win.

What the hell is that?

I don't know. But if cats could sing...

...they'd hate it too.

Hey, guys.

- Hi, where are you going? - What?

We just had to mail some letters.

And throw away some chicken.

You'll never guess what just happened.

- I give up. - I don't guess.

As a scientist, I reach conclusions based on observation and experimentation.

Although it occurs to me, you may have been employing a rhetorical device...

...rendering my response moot.

- What was that? - Believe it or not, personal growth.

What happened?

Remember when I auditioned for Rent but I didn't get it and I couldn't figure out why?

I have a conclusion based on an observation.

No, you don't.

No, he doesn't.

The girl picked to play Mimi, she dropped out and they asked me to replace her.

- Oh! Congratulations, what a lucky break. - It's not a big a deal.

Just one night, but they invite casting people and agents.

So you never know.

- I think I know. - No, you don't.

- He doesn't. - It's this Friday at 8, you guys wanna come?

- No. - No.

Because Friday, we are attending a symposium...

...on molecular positronium.

- I think that's a week from Tuesday at 6. - No, it's this Friday.

- At 8. - Oh, too bad.

- I gotta get to rehearsal. See you guys. - See you.

- You just lied to Penny. - Yes, I did.

And you did it so casually.

No rapid breathing, no increase in perspiration.

- So? - So lack of a physiological response...

...while lying is characteristic of a violent sociopath.

Sheldon, are you worried about your safety?

No. I imagine if you were going to kill me, you'd have done it a long time ago.

That's very true.

Leonard?

Leonard?

- Leonard? - What?

I need to speak to you.

- It's 2:00 in the morning. - It's important.

I highly doubt that.

Go away.

Are you still out there?

Yes.

What?

You're right, it can wait until morning.

- What, what, what? - Never mind.

I clearly woke you up in the middle of a REM cycle.

- You're in no state of mind to talk. - Sheldon, what is it?

I'm uncomfortable having been included in your lie to Penny.

- What was I supposed to say? - You could have told her the truth.

That would have hurt her feelings.

Is that a relevant factor?

Yes.

Then I suppose you could have agreed to go.

And what would I have said afterwards?

I would suggest something to the effect of:

"Singing is neither an appropriate vocation nor avocation for you...

...and if you disagree, I recommend a CAT scan to look for a tumor...

...pressing on the cognitive processing centers of your brain."

I couldn't say that.

I would have to say, "You were terrific and I can't wait to hear you sing again."

Why?

It's the social protocol.

It's what you do...

...when you have a friend who's proud of something they really suck at.

I was not aware of that.

- Well, now you are. - Oh, all right.

- Leonard? - Yes?

When we played chess earlier, you were terrific, and I can't wait to play you again.

Good night.

Leonard? Leonard?

Leonard? Leonard?

This would be so much easier if I were a violent sociopath.

Leonard? Leonard?

- What? - I was analyzing our lie...

...and I believe we're in danger of Penny seeing through the ruse.

- How? - Simple.

...click on upcoming events, scroll to seminars, download the PDF schedule...

...and look for the seminar on molecular positronium, then...

...bippity boppity boo, our pants are metaphorically on fire.

Well, sir, my trousers will not be igniting today.

Penny?

Penny?

Penny?

Good morning.

- Do you have any idea what time it is? - Of course I do.

My watch is linked to the atomic clock in Boulder, Colorado.

It's accurate to one-tenth of a second.

As I'm saying this it occurs to me once again...

...your question may have been rhetorical.

What do you want?

Remember how Leonard told you we couldn't come...

...because we were attending a symposium on molecular positronium?

I remember symposium.

Yes, well, he lied.

Wait, what?

He lied, and I'm feeling very uncomfortable about it.

Well, imagine how I'm feeling.

Hungry?

Tired?

I'm sorry, this really isn't my strong suit.

You told her I lied?

Why would you tell her I lied?

To help you.

I'm sorry, I'm not seeing the help.

She was going to see through your lie eventually...

...so I told her that you were lying to protect me.

Oh, I'm getting a bad feeling.

Hunger?

Indigestion?

I'm sorry, I'm really not very good at this.

Anyway, Penny now believes that on Friday night...

...we're going to participate in my cousin Leopold's drug intervention.

Your cousin Leopold.

Whom most people call Leo, but he also answers to Lee.

Remember that, it's important.

- What's important? - Details, Leonard.

The success or failure of our deceitful enterprise turns on details.

- Do you have a cousin Leopold? - No, I made him up.

I think you'd call him Lee.

I don't get it. I already told her a lie, why replace it with a different lie?

Well, first of all, your lie was laughably transparent...

...where mine is exquisitely convoluted.

While you were sleeping, I was weaving an un-unravelable web.

- Un-unravelable? - Yes.

If she Googles Leopold Houston, she'll find a Facebook page...

...an online blog depicting his descent into drug use...

Okay, why would I go to a drug intervention for your cousin?

Ah! Because it's in Long Beach and I don't drive.

We're going to Long Beach?

Of course not, there's no cousin Leo, there's no intervention.

- Focus, Leonard. - Oh, come on.

We just leave the house on Friday night and return in the wee hours...

...emotionally wrung out from the work of convincing Leo to go back into rehab.

So he goes back into rehab?

Yes, but he can relapse if Penny ever invites us to hear her sing again.

You still told her I lied.

Yeah, for a noble purpose.

To spare me the social embarrassment of having a drug-addled first cousin.

- Which I'm assuming is embarrassing, yes? - I don't know.

- How am I supposed to remember all this? - That's the best part, you don't have to.

I told Penny that you would be embarrassed if you knew she found out you had lied...

...so she's agreed to operate as if the original lie is still in force.

So she's expecting me to lie about going to a symposium in Pasadena...

...when in actuality, we're pretending to go to a drug intervention in Long Beach.

Un-unravelable.

Oh, hey, Penny. Wow, look at you, all ready for your showcase.

- You look great. - Thanks.

I just wanted to come by and wish you guys luck with your symposium.

Oh.

- Well, thank you. - You know, I gotta tell you.

A lot of friends would let their friend go alone, but that's not you.