The Big Bang Theory

- Nice move. - I've got it.

- Take him down. - He's got you, Sheldon.

- Come on. - He's completely schooling you.

Hey, guys, some of the other waitresses wanted me to ask you something.

- It's Tressling. - It combines the physical strength...

...of arm wrestling with the mental agility of Tetris into the ultimate sport.

That's terrific, but what they wanted me to ask you is to cut it the hell out.

All right, come on, guys. Come on.

We might as well stop, it's a stalemate.

You're beating me in Tetris, but you've got the upper body strength of a Keebler elf.

Keebler elf? I got a Keebler elf right here.

Okay, it's a stalemate.

Leonard, will we be seeing you on Saturday for your free birthday cheesecake?

He can't eat cheesecake. He's lactose intolerant.

Okay, he can have carrot cake.

- What about the cream-cheese frosting? - He can scrape it off.

Forget about the cake. How did you know my birthday's Saturday?

I did your horoscope, remember?

I was gonna do everybody's until Sheldon went on one of his psychotic rants.

For the record, that psychotic rant...

...was a concise summation of the research of Bertram Forer...

...who, in 1948, proved conclusively...

...through meticulous experiments...

...that astrology is pseudoscientific hokum.

Blah, blah, blah. Typical Taurus.

- So we gonna see you Saturday? - I don't think so.

- Why not? - I don't celebrate my birthday.

Shut up. Yeah, you do.

It's no big deal. It's the way I was raised.

My parents focused on celebrating achievements...

...and being expelled from a birth canal was not considered one of them.

- That's so silly. - It's actually based on very sound theories.

- His mother published a paper on it. - Well, what was it called?

"I Hate My Son and That's Why He Can't Have Cake"?

It was obviously effective.

Leonard grew up to be an experimental physicist.

Perhaps if she'd also denied him Christmas, he'd be a little better at it.

Thank you.

Well, I love birthdays. Waking up to Mom's special French-toast breakfast...

...wearing the birthday king crown, playing laser tag with all my friends.

Yeah, see? That's what kids should have.

Actually, that was last year.

So you've really never had a birthday party?

No, but it was okay.

When I was little, I'd think my parents would change their mind and surprise me.

This one birthday, I came home from my cello lesson...

...and I saw strange cars parked out front.

When I got to the door, I hear whispering...

...and I could smell German chocolate cake, which is my favorite.

- And? - It turns out my grandfather had died.

Oh, my God, that's terrible.

Well, it was kind of like a birthday party.

I got to see all my cousins, and there was cake, so....

- That's the saddest thing I've ever heard. - You think?

Go ahead, tell her about your senior prom.

Make sure they remember, no peanuts.

Howard, every Thai restaurant in town knows you can't eat peanuts.

When they see me coming, they go, "Ah, no-peanut boy."

- Hello, Penny, Leonard just left. - I know, I wanna talk to you.

What would we talk about?

We have no overlapping areas of interest I'm aware of.

- As you know, I don't care for chitchat. - Can you just let me in?

Well, all right, but I don't see this as a promising endeavor.

Okay, here's the deal.

We'll throw Leonard a kickass surprise party for his birthday.

I hardly think so.

Leonard made it clear he doesn't want a party.

Did someone say party?

He just doesn't know he wants one, because he's never had one.

I suppose that's possible.

But for the record, I've never had a threesome and yet I still know I want one.

Here's the difference.

The possibility exists Leonard could have a birthday party...

...before hell freezes over.

Fine. If I do have a threesome, you can't be part of it.

I'm just kidding. Yes, you can.

Can you bring a friend?

I think a birthday party is a terrible idea.

I envy Leonard for growing up without that anguish.

Anguish?

Year after year, I had to endure wearing conical hats...

...while being forced into the crowded, sweaty hell of bouncy castles.

Not to mention being blindfolded...

...and spun toward a grotesque tailless donkey...

...as the other children mocked my disorientation.

Okay, sweetie, I understand you have scars that no non-professional can heal...

...but nevertheless, we're gonna throw Leonard a birthday party.

I'm extremely uncomfortable with dancing...

...loud music and most other forms of alcohol-induced frivolity.

- Nevertheless-- - In addition--

You either help me throw Leonard a birthday party...

...or I will go into your bedroom...

...and unbag all your mint-condition comic books.

And on one of them-- You won't know which. --I'll draw a tiny happy face in ink.

You can't do that. If you make a mark in a mint comic book, it's no longer mint.

Do you understand the concept of blackmail?

Well, of course, I-- Oh.

Yeah, I have an idea. Let's throw Leonard a kickass birthday party.

That's not the secret knock.

This is the secret knock:

What difference does it make?

The point of a secret knock is to establish a nonverbal signal...

...to verify the identity of one's coconspirators.

- Is that Raj and Howard? - Possibly, but unverified.

Would you just let us in?

Luckily for you, this is not a nuclear reactor.

So, what'd you get the birthday boy?

Raj got him an awesome limited-edition Dark Knight sculpture...

...based on Alex Ross' definitive Batman.

And I got him this amazing autographed copy of The Feynman Lectures on Physics.

Nice. I got him a sweater.

Okay, well, he might like that. I've seen him get chilly.

- Sheldon, I didn't see your present. - That's because I didn't bring one.

- Why not? - Don't ask.

The entire institution of gift-giving makes no sense.

- Too late. - Let's say I go out and I spend $50 on you.

It's a laborious activity because I have to imagine what you need...

...where you know what you need.

I could simplify things, just give you the $50 directly...

...and then you could give me $50 on my birthday and so on...

...until one of us dies, leaving the other one old and $50 richer.

And I ask you, is it worth it?

Told you not to ask.

Well, Sheldon, you're his friend. Friends give each other presents.

I accept your premise, I reject your conclusion.

Try telling him it's a non-optional social convention.

- What? - Just do it.

It's a non-optional social convention.

Ah, fair enough.

He came with a manual.

Question, how am I going to get Leonard a present before the party?

I don't drive and the things available in walking distance...

...are a Thai restaurant and a gas station.

I could wrap up an order of mee krob and a couple of lottery scratchers.

Okay, let's do this. I will drive Sheldon to get a present.

- Howard, get rid of Leonard for two hours. - No problem.

And then, Raj, you bring the stuff across the hall and start setting up.

- What if guests show up? - Entertain them.

What if they're women?

Stare at them and make them feel uncomfortable.

- Hey. - Hey.

- How's it going? - Fine.

So listen, the Nuart is showing the revised, definitive cut of Blade Runner.

- Seen it. - No.

You've seen the 25th Anniversary Final Cut.

This one has eight seconds of previously-unseen footage.

They say it completely changes the tone of the film.

Pass.

Come on. Afterwards, there's a Q&A with Harrison Ford's body double.

Look, I am in the "Halo" battle of my life here.

There's this kid in Copenhagen, he has no immune system.

So all he does is sit in his bubble and play "Halo" 24/7.

Can't you play him some other time?

Not if you believe his doctors.

Oh, my God, do you smell gas?

- No. - Yeah, no.

You know, they have DVDs over there.

Yes, but they have DVD burners over here.

Leonard needs a DVD burner.