The Big Bang Theory

Problem?

The online description was completely misleading.

They said eight slots plus removable ID.

To any rational person, that would mean room for nine cards.

But they don't tell you, the removable ID takes up one slot.

It's a nightmare.

Okay, now, do you really need...

...the honorary Justice League of America membership card?

It's been in every wallet I've owned since I was 5.

Why?

It says, "Keep this on your person at all times."

It's right here, under Batman's signature.

And this is Leonard and Sheldon's apartment.

Guess whose parents just got broadband.

Leonard, may I present, live from New Delhi, Dr. and Mrs.V.M.Koothrappali?

Hi.

Tilt up the camera. I'm looking at his crotch.

Sorry, Papa.

- Oh, that's much better. Hi. - Hi.

- And over here is Sheldon. - Hi.

He lives with Leonard.

Oh, that's nice. Like Haroon and Tanvir.

No, not like Haroon and Tanvir.

MRS. KOOTHRAPPALl: Such sweet young men.

They just adopted the cutest little Punjabi baby.

Yeah. No, we're not like Haroon and Tanvir.

- So are you boys academics like our son? - Yes.

Your parents are comfortable with limited earning potential?

- Oh, yes. - Not at all.

Papa, please don't start.

What? It's just a question. He's so sensitive.

That's my life, my friends. Good to see you. Say bye.

- Bye. - Bye-bye.

DR. KOOTHRAPPALl: Wait, wait.

Before you go, we have good news.

Put the computer down and gather your friends.

- What is it, Papa? - I don 't see your friends.

Is it just me or does web-chatting with your clothes on seem a little pointless?

Rajesh, do you remember Lalita Gupta?

The little fat girl that used to kick me in the samosas and call me untouchable?

Yes. Well, now she's a dental student at USC...

...so we gave her your contact information.

Why did you do that?

You're 26 years old, Rajesh. We want grandchildren.

- But, Papa, I'm not supposed-- - Lalita 's parents approved the match.

If you decide on a spring wedding, we can avoid monsoon season.

A spring wedding?

It's up to you. We don 't want to meddle.

If you don't want to meddle, why are you meddling?

Your parents don't consider this meddling.

While arranged marriages are no longer the norm...

...Indian parents continue to have an involvement in their children's love lives.

Why are you telling me about my own culture?

You seemed confused.

- Sorry, but with all due respect, I don't-- - I'm sorry, darling. We have to go.

Doogie Howser is on.

Grandma, it's Doogie time.

- Bye-bye. - Bye-bye.

I don't believe it.

Neither do I.

Doogie Howser's been off the air for like 20 years.

Actually, I read that it's one of the most popular programs in India.

Might speak to a cultural aspiration to have one's children enter the medical profession.

I bet you're right.

- I bet they love Scrubs. - What's not to love?

Excuse me, hello?

My parents are trying to marry me off to a stranger. What am I going to do?

- I suggest you go through with it. - What?

Romantic love as the basis for marriage has only existed since the 19th century.

Up until then, arranged marriages were the norm and it served society quite well.

It's the premise of Fiddler on the Roof.

I'm not a big fan of musicals, but I love that show.

Me too. Of course, it speaks to me culturally.

Understandable, but there's a universality to that story which transcends ethnicity.

Let's not forget it's got some really catchy tunes.

- Oh, yeah. - Absolutely.

- I know what I'm gonna do. - What?

Find new friends.

- So who wants to rent Fiddler? - No need. We have the special edition.

Well, maybe we are like Haroon and Tanvir.

This is Dr. Sheldon Cooper.

Yeah, I need to cancel my membership to the planetarium.

Yeah, well, I'm sorry too...

...but there's just no room for you in my wallet.

No, I understand, but it was between you and the Museum of Natural History...

...and frankly, you don't have dinosaurs.

Oh, I'll miss you too. Bye-bye.

Okay, I know you're texting about me and I'd really like you to stop.

Oh, dear, I am rightly and truly screwed.

I thought you were finding new friends.

I've got some feelers out.

In the meantime, listen to this.

Hi, Rajesh, this is Lalita Gupta.

Your mother gave my mother your phone number to give to me.

So I'm calling you and call me back.

Bye.

Can you believe how pushy she is?

So don't call her.

If I don't call her, I won't hear the end of it.

- So call her. - How can I call her? I can't talk to women.

I'm done. Anybody else?

- Give me the phone. - Why?

Just give it to me. Sh.

- What are you doing? - Don't worry, you'll thank me.

Hello, Lalita? Raj Koothrappali.

Yes, it is good to talk to you too.

So, what are you wearing?

Oh, not important.

So anyhow, when would you like to meet?

Friday works for me.

I'll call you with a time and place.

In the meantime, keep it real, babe.

You may now thank me.

For what, making me sound like a Simpsons character?

- Next time, make your own date. - Didn't wanna make this one.

Look on the bright side, she might turn out to be a nice, beautiful girl.

Great, we get married, I won't be able to talk to her...

...and we'll spend the rest of our lives in total silence.

It worked for my parents.

- Hi, guys. - Oh, hey.

I need guinea pigs.

Okay, there's a lab animal supply company in Reseda you could try.

But if your research is going to have human applications, I suggest white mice.

Their brain chemistry is far closer to ours.

I swear to God, Sheldon, one day, I'm gonna get the hang of talking to you.

His mom's been saying that for years.

- What's up? - Well, I convinced the restaurant...

...to give me a bartending shift so I need to practice mixing drinks.

Oh, well, great. The key to acquiring proficiency in any task is repetition.

With certain obvious exceptions.

Suicide, for example.

So, Leonard, how about it?

Penny, we'd love to help you, but Raj is going through some stuff right now.

And besides, he doesn't drink, so....

Really?

Um....

Raj is going through some stuff right now and he'd like to take up drinking.

Okay, here you go, Leonard. One Tequila Sunrise.

- Thank you. - Mm-hm.

This drink is an example of how liquids with different specific gravities...

...interact in a cylindrical container.

Thank you.

Okay, Raj, what'll it be?

Whatever you recommend.

How about a Grasshopper? I make a mean Grasshopper.

Okay? Good, coming up.

- Sheldon, what are you gonna have? - I'll have a Diet Coke.

Okay, can you please order a cocktail? I need to practice mixing drinks.

Fine. I'll have a virgin Cuba Libre.

That's rum and Coke without the rum.

Yes.

So Coke.

Yes.

And would you make it diet?

There's a can in the fridge.

A Cuba Libre traditionally comes in a tall glass with a lime wedge.

Then swim to Cuba.

Bartenders are supposed to have people skills.

Okay. Raj, here you go.

All right. Who's next?

I'd like to try a Slippery Nipple.

Okay, you're cut off.

Anybody need a refill?

Where did my life go, Penny?

One day I'm a bachelor, and the next I'm married...

...and driving a minivan to peewee cricket matches in suburban New Delhi.

Are you talking to me?

Is there another Penny here?

I had such plans. I had dreams.

I was going to be the Indira Gandhi of particle astrophysics.

But with a penis, of course.

It's amazing.

Ever since I was a little boy...

...my father wanted me to be a gynecologist like him.

How can I be a gynecologist? I can barely look a woman in the eye.

You know what? I'm not going to let my parents control my future.