The Big Bang Theory

All I'm saying is, if they took all the money they spent

trying to make a decent Hulk movie,

they could probably just make an actual Hulk.

That is apt and amusing.

I think I shall share that

with Amy Farrah Fowler.

She'll appreciate the witticism.

Thank you.

It'll also help improve her initial impression of you.

So what's going on with you two?

Well, the status is as it always was.

She's a girl. She's a friend.

She is not my--

please forgive me for doing this--

"girlfriend."

Right, right.

So you're still just texting and emailing?

You don't feel any need to hang out with her, you know--

be in the same room?

Leonard, you are my best friend.

I've known you for seven years,

and I can barely tolerate sitting on the couch with you.

Imagine my attitude regarding prolonged physical proximity

to Amy Farrah Fowler.

Got it.

I sense judgment on your part.

No, no.

Maybe a little.

May I suggest that your criticism is based on jealousy.

Jealousy? What do I have to be jealous of?

I have a functioning and satisfying relationship

with a female.

You have none.

Oh, right. That.

Jealousy is an ugly green-eyed monster--

not unlike the Hulk--

who, by the way, also has a girlfriend.

In this iteration, Jennifer Connelly,

whom you may recall as the girlfriend of Russell Crowe

in A Beautiful Mind,

a feel-good romp if there ever was one.

I'm not jealous.

Leonard not jealous.

You know, it just occurred to me,

if there are an infinite number of parallel universes,

in one of them, there's probably a Sheldon

who doesn't believe parallel universes exist.

Probably. What's your point?

No point.

It's just one of the things

that makes one of the mes chuckle.

What makes you chuckle, Leonard?

Hmm, recently?

Not much.

Is it because of the conflict that arises

from your desperate need to pair-bond with a woman,

and the apparent collective decision of all womankind

to deny you that opportunity?

Um...

Shut up.

You know, when my grandfather died,

and Meemaw was alone, my mom arranged for her

to visit a center three times a week

where she could socialize with other lonely people.

It's very nice.

They discuss current events, play bridge, get a hot meal.

That sounds lovely.

It is if you like bridge.

Do you like bridge, Leonard?

Sheldon, I'm just not dating someone right now.

I don't need to go to a senior center.

Meemaw resisted at first, but now she loves it.

Fine. If I don't meet someone soon, you can put me in a home.

It's not a home.

It's a senior center.

We'd never put Meemaw in a home!

Hey, guys.

Hey. Hey.

All right, I'll bow to social pressure: Hey!

Excuse me. That's my girlfriend, Bernadette.

I assigned her her own ringtone--

"Bernadette," by The Four Tops.

Hello, Bernadette.

When I call him, his phone plays "Brown Eyed Girl."

Which, now that

I think about it, is not so good.

You realize he's just rubbing our noses in the fact

that he has a girlfriend, and we don't.

You mean, you don't.

You have a girlfriend?

How could you have a girlfriend?

You can't even speak to women.

Two words-- deaf chick.

It doesn't matter

if I can't talk, because she can't hear me.

What?

That's what she said.

Great. You have a girlfriend, Howard's got a girlfriend,

Sheldon's got a girl... No, no, no, no!

...who's a friend.

Thank you.

What about you, Stuart?

You have a girlfriend yet?

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

I met her at Comic-Con, the one place in the world

where saying "I own a comic bookstore"

is an actual pickup line.

Oh. Well, good for you.

Not really. She's horrible.

When she wants to have sex,

she puts on her plus-size Wonder Woman costume and shouts,

"Who wants to take a ride in my invisible plane?"

Why don't you just break up with her?

No, no, I can't.

Why not?

'Cause then I'd be alone,

like you.

Dude, why don't you just invoke your girlfriend pact

with Wolowitz?

Because I don't need his girlfriend

to set me up with one of her girlfriends.

I'm perfectly capable of finding a girl on my own.

Oh, Leonard, you remind me

of the funny old story about a man

who walks into a women's correctional institution

with a stack of paperwork

that will allow the female convicts to go free.

You're saying I couldn't get laid

in a women's prison with a handful of pardons.

Are you going to let me tell the story or not?

Leonard?

Are you sleeping?

No.

Are you ill?

No.

Are you still depressed

because you're alone, and no one loves you?

I don't know. Maybe.

I want you to know that I'm genuinely concerned

about your well-being.

Thank you. You're welcome.

But it's still no reason to have your feet in my spot.

May I offer an observation?

What the hell? How long has she been here?

Since we got home from the comic bookstore.

That was two hours ago.

As per your suggestion,

we're hanging out.

Quite frankly, I don't see

what all the hoopla's about.

Go on, Amy.

From a neurobiological standpoint, Leonard,

you may be alone because your psychological state

is causing an actual pheromone-based stink

of desperation.

Did you know that, Leonard?

No. I did.

I understand that some people find mates

in social gathering places such as bars or taverns.

Have you tried a bar or tavern?

No, I'm not gonna try to pick up a woman in a bar.

Wise decision. You see, Amy,

success at a bar is based on classic male attributes

such as height, strength, attractiveness,

the ability to hold one's liquor and throw darts--

separately or together.

Leonard has none of these attributes, right, Leonard?

Right.

That's not true of all bars.

Juice bars, for example.

Oh! Good point, Amy.

Yeah, building on your premise,

Leonard could frequent sushi bars,

salad bars, oyster bars,

the Apple Genius Bar... What are you doing?

Keep going. I'm listening.

That was rude.

He does it all the time.

He's a cornucopia of social awkwardness.

Cornucopia.

What a mellifluous word.

Let's make that our word of the day.

Agreed. And we'll use mellifluous tomorrow.

Well, I have to void my bladder.

It was nice spending this time with you.

Wait.

I have a request.

Yes?

I'd like you to meet my mother.

I see.

Can I get back to you on that?

Certainly. Good night.

Good night.

Leonard, Leonard, Leonard, Leonard, Leonard,

Leonard, Leonard, Leonard, Leonard, Leonard,

Leonard, Leonard, Leonard, Leonard, Leonard,

Leonard, Leonard,

Leonard, Leonard...

Yeah, what?

Amy Farrah Fowler has asked me to meet her mother.