American Horror Story

Just look sexy, please.

- Come on. - You always look sexy.

God, I'm so happy I married you.

What are they going to do to me in there?

If you stop taking pictures

and come inside, we can find out.

- This place is amazing. - You think we're still going to want

to bang each other when we're 80?

Uh, you better. Otherwise I'm going to leave your ass.

Admit it. I'm the best you've ever had.

Actually, there was this one guy...

Shut up. Shut up.

You are so sexy.

Come on.

Let's go inside.

Last stop on the haunted honeymoon tour.

Better make it good. Mm-hmm.

Built in 1908,

Briarcliff Manor was the largest tuberculosis ward

on the East Coast.

46,000 people died here.

You think it's haunted?

They shuttle the bodies

out through an underground tunnel

called "the death chute."

We should totally do it in the death chute.

Oh, my God, you are so demented.

I love you.

What are we going to tell our kids about the honeymoon?

Tell them the truth.

How we visited the 12 most haunted places in America

and screwed our brains out in every single one.

Or that Mommy's a horror freak

and Daddy lives to make Mommy happy?

Mmm, he does. Mm-hmm.

Come on. Let's keep exploring.

All right.

We got an hour before sunset. Let's make it quick.

The Catholic Church bought this place in '62

and turned it into a sanitarium for the criminally insane.

Legend has it that once you are committed at Briarcliff,

you never got out.

Their most famous resident

was a serial killer.

Bloody Face.

Say "Bloody Face."

Bloody Face.

Teresa!

You got to see this penny chair.

Oh-ho.

Tie my down.

I'm sick, Doctor.

Can you help me?

I don't know.

You seem to have a very bad case

of morbid erotomania.

Ready for your injection?

What is that?

What is that?

I don't... um... What is that? Let's go see.

No, no, no, no...

Come on.

No, come on. Let's go.

You're killing me.

Promise I'll make it up to you.

No, you swear we're coming back. Promise me we're coming back.

- I promise, I promise. - Okay.

Maybe it's Bloody Face.

Maybe it's just old pipes.

You can totally put it in my ass right now.

Wow.

Oh, come on.

I can't see.

Hey, take it easy. Take it easy.

What, you scared? Pussy.

So tight.

Oh, my God! What? What? What?

Oh, you are such a prick.

You are

such a prick.

Speaking of which...

No, I want to know what's in there.

Do it again and I'll blow you.

Give me your phone.

Welcome To Briarcliff

That'll be three dollars even.

30 cents a gallon.

You think because you're out here in the toolies

you can gouge people?

I don't set the prices, sir.

Kids get a coloring book?

Yeah, that be Texaco.

Come on, Jack. I just want to go home.

Whoa.

Nice.

Drive safely.

Asshole.

Sign says closed.

Boo! Christ, Billy!

Trying to get killed?

Do you know what I keeps in this cabinet?

Look anything like this?

- Geez, give me... Give me that. - Oh, oh, oh, oh,

Ooh!

We just want to borrow it.

Nigger try to mess with Randy's little sister.

- Are you guys insane? - Come on, Kit.

We're just gonna scare him, come with us.

I'm not going with you guys.

And neither is the gun.

So, just leave.

How much is Al paying you these days?

I hear you got yourself a maid.

That's what I hear anyway.

Mmm.

Chocolate.

Something smells good, Mrs. Walker.

I'm not to you putting those two words together.

But I like it,

Mr. Walker.

Aw.

So, how are you?

Good.

How are you?

I'm good.

Let's do it, babe.

Let's tell everyone.

Come on. We didn't commit a crime.

We drove to Provincetown and got married.

Your family, my folks-- they should know.

The world will change one day.

The world is wrong.

We need to keep it a secret.

Baby...

it makes me feel like I can't protect my own family.

The roast is just about ready.

That's not what I'm hungry for.

I can't take... damn it...

Oh, babe.

I hope you like your beef tough and dry

because that's what I want for dinner tonight.

The first course was delicious.

Mmm.

Where you going?

To make you dinner.

Okay.

Shit!

Alma, you stay in the kitchen no matter what, you hear me?

I know you're out here, Billy.

Stop playing games.

Alma!

Help me! Help me!

Alma!

Alma, answer me!

Where are you?

Aah!

Lana Winters from the Gazette.

I'm doing a story on your bakery,

and I have an appointment with Sister Jude.

Play with me!

Play with me!

Ow!

Pepper, leave the lady alone.

Oh, it's fine.

She was only trying to make friends.

It was harmless.

She's not harmless.

She drowned her sister's baby and sliced his ears off.

Follow me, miss.

No! No!

I don't want to go to bed!

Sister Jude calls this her "stairway to heaven."

Leave me alone!

A lady reporter...!

Told you I would come find you, Sister Mary Eunice.

Brush yourself off, Shelly.

Do you think

I'm full of shame and regret

for what I've done now, Sister?

You could shave me bald as a cue ball,

and I'll still be the hottest tamale in this joint.

Take her to the common room so the others

can witness her newfound immaculacy.

And next time, knock.

Remind me of your name.

Lana. Lana Winters.

Can I ask what Shelly did?

I assume you were punishing her for something.

I assumed you were here to do a story on our bakery.

Oh, believe me, no one loves

that molasses bread more than I do.

I toast it for my breakfast every single morning.