House

Mom!

- I'm thirsty. - I just gave you water.

I want juice.

It's bedtime.

Close your eyes and go to sleep.

Mom!

What do you want, Clance?

Hi, Dad.

Go to bed.

- Can I turn the TV on? - TV is only for the daytime.

I'll keep the volume down. I just like the light.

Go to bed.

Dad, what if...

What if they come to get me again?

Nobody is coming to get you. OK?

Go to bed. Now.

Come on, Clancy.

It's time to get up.

- I guess he's already up. - That's a first.

I-I will, uh, I'll see if he needs breakfast.

Hey, Clance, you hungry?

Hon, he's not down here.

You sure?

Clancy?

Clancy?

Where are you?

- Sweetie, are you hiding? - Clancy?

Where is he?

You're gonna be in big trouble when I find you.

Honey, come out right now, wherever you are. This is not funny.

House S03E02 Cane and Able

Where's the sweat and the B.O.?

You've taken such pride in bathing us all in your musk.

- Showered at home. - And yet you're earlier than usual.

Is this an intervention?

It's a little late, since I'm not using drugs anymore.

I am, however, still hooked on phonics.

If you did your morning run and showered at home, you'd be later than usual.

Thought of you in the shower.

How's your leg?

You seem to be favoring your left side.

I was hanging down my right pant leg yesterday.

- Makes all the difference in the world. - You've taken the stairs every day.

- Did I need a restraining order? - You slack on your rehab,

the muscle will weaken. And your leg will hurt again.

Looks like the Ketamine treatment might not stick.

Or maybe we've made him depressed because we're lying to him.

- Telling him he got that case wrong. - We didn't hurt him. The pain isn't...

He gets depressed, he stops exercising.

He stops exercising, the muscle atrophies.

The muscle atrophies, the pain returns.

Maybe he stopped exercising because the giant hole in his leg actually hurts.

The Ketamine could work perfectly

and he would still be back on his cane popping Vicodin again.

You can't tell him.

He got lucky. There was no medical...

He was right.

We tell him he was right, and we're feeding his addiction.

Without Vicodin, he's only got one to focus on.

- Well, he's not gonna O.D. on puzzles. - No, it's not gonna hurt him.

But he could just as easily have killed that patient.

We have a tiny window of time here where House may be healthy enough to change.

And based on that limp,

the window's closing fast.

Kid is a product of an in vitro fertilization pregnancy.

Had all his vaccinations.

Fractured his right ulna at age three, chicken pox at age five...

Did he ever get his feelings hurt?

I'll need to know that too.

You are 0 for 1 since you came back. We just wanna make sure...

Rectal bleeding plus alien abduction fantasies, most likely sexual abuse.

Penetration causes the bleed, trauma causes the fantasy.

E. R. ran a rape kit, found no evidence of tearing, semen, or pubic hairs.

I think we should talk to the kid.

Why?

In case he's telling the truth?

You're a believer, aren't you?

I'm just not arrogant enough to think that of the 50 billion galaxies,

100 billion stars per galaxy and ten million billion planets in the universe,

that we're the only ones with life.

No. But

I'm guessing we're the only ones who like shoving things through our backdoors.

There is new research indicating a link between neurological problems

- and bleeding disorders. - Perfect.

Especially if there were neurological problems.

What part of hallucinating an alien abduction isn't neurological?

- It wasn't a hallucination. - What?

- You think the kid... - Is having nightmares.

Nightmares aren't a symptom of anything other than wanting to sleep with mommy.

Which just leaves us with one symptom, the bloody tuchus.

Which can easily be explained by a G. I. problem or a bleeding disorder.

Check his coags with a PT, PTT, and bleeding time.

Prep him for endoscopies from above and below.

Gonna make a tiny nick in your forearm, okay?

Then I'm gonna time how long it takes for you to stop bleeding.

This is gonna sting a little, so you might want to look the other way.

Are those windows locked?

Those windows don't even open. They're just here to let sunshine in.

Good. 'Cause they know I'm here.

Clancy...

don't bother the doctor with this stuff.

No, it's okay. How do they know you're here?

They put a chip in my neck so they can keep track of me.

I can feel it back there.

Clancy, you know there is nothing back there.

- There is. - Let me see.

Lean forwards.

And they have this other thing. And they put it...

in between these two ribs. Always on this side.

And then they move it around my insides.

- It hurts. - You know what, Clancy?

I think I might have found the chip back there.

And I think I might be able to get it out.

- Really? - Mmm-hmm.

Okay, lean forwards.

Now hold very still, okay?

Got it.

I'm seven... not three.

All you did was pinch my neck.

Sorry.

His alien abduction story, the level of detail is...

I don't know where he gets it from.

The parents say he doesn't watch sci-fi, he doesn't read comic books.

Great. You do any of that medical stuff we talked about?

Upper and lower endoscopies were clean.

So, it's a simple bleeding disorder.

No. Blood tests were all normal. And he clotted in six minutes.

So it's a simple bleeding disorder and you screwed up the test.

I didn't screw up the test.

So it's a U.F.O.

Unidentified Flowing Orifice.

Either you screwed up the test or I screwed up my analysis of this case.

If you screwed up, I don't have to cry myself to sleep.

It's a simple bleeding disorder. Foreman, redo the test.

How could I screw up a simple bleeding time test?

Maybe you were abducted and lost time.

Kid's got a bleeding disorder.

You're sure?

I had to stop the bleeding myself after 25 minutes.

So you're saying Chase did screw up.

Or Foreman screwed up.

Big hand points to minutes. Maybe you got it mixed up.

Oh, snap.

Foreman's playin' the dozens. You're at a huge cultural disadvantage here, Chase.

Take a couple minutes to think of a witty retort.

So we have contradicting bleeding time tests.

If we run labs to check his clotting fac- tors, we can confirm which one's right.

Yeah, testing. Nice idea.

Way better than trying to guess which doctor's incompetent.

Looks better in the paperwork too.

Hey, Foreman,

your mama's so fat, when her beeper goes off, people think she's backing up.

Where's Clancy?

He's asleep. He's...

House!

Clancy's gone missing.

Oh, no!

You take Alpha Centauri, Foreman can look on Tatooine,

and Cameron can set up an intergalactic checkpoint.

Let's pray he hasn't gone into hyperdrive. We'll never catch him.

Clancy?

I had to go where there are no windows so I could get the chip out like you said.

God.

- I can feel it, I just can't grab it. - Clancy, stop! There is no chip.

We're gonna clean you up and we're gonna go back to your room.

You can't do things like this.

Your parents--

Results came back. The lab cannot identify the metal.

Said it might not even be terrestrial.

- Really? - No, you idiot, it's titanium.

Like from a surgical pin.

Like the kind the kid had inserted into his broken arm four years ago.

- Nice medical history. - That pin was removed six months after.

So a little piece broke off during removal.

Titanium is used to build nuclear subs. Pieces don't just break off.

Tell that to guys on the Kursk.

And how exactly did it get from his arm to the back of his neck?

Body attacks any foreign object.

Inflammatory reaction could erode it into a vein, fragment gets a free ride.

To his lungs, maybe. Not his neck.

Yeah, an alien chip makes more sense.

The real mystery is that you didn't actually screw up.

You okay?

Fine. Tripped.

Kid carved a hole in the back of his neck and apparently didn't bleed to death.

- Now, that's weird. - He clotted on his own?

Sure did.

So first there was no bleeding disorder, then there was, now there is not again.

- Which is impossible. - Or Foreman screwed up.

Two out of three tests agree with my findings.

Well, lucky for us, the fourth test will be the charm.

So you're just gonna keep cutting him? Until what?

This test is different.

We draw some blood and see if any clotting factors are low or missing.

But why haven't the other tests--

We've got three results that haven't been consistent. One of them must be wrong.

Or two of them.

Is it possible the problem isn't his blood? It's just psychological.

- I mean, he almost killed himself. - He wasn't trying to hurt himself.

No... he was just looking for an alien tracking device.