House

Help!

Help me!

- Dry heaves are gone, so am I. - I'll check with the doctor.

No, no, no. I'm here voluntarily. Just got to check with me.

I'm sorry. Dr. Nolan left specific instructions.

She's not sick, she's scared. So tell her to tell...

Wow.

And he's black.

Thought you'd be a little more sensitive on the slavery issue.

- You can't keep me. - Dr. House, you look a lot better.

I am a lot better. No painkillers, no hallucinations.

Leg hurts, but it's manageable. Great job. Gonna miss you.

Want to start missing you as soon as possible.

Well, legally, you're free to go whenever you want,

but I suggest you stay.

I'll take it under advisement.

If you thought the hallucinations were from your Vicodin problem,

why didn't you just check yourself into a rehab facility?

I was deluded into thinking I might be crazy.

But you have been abusing Vicodin for years.

Never had delusions, never had trouble sleeping,

never had any problems, other than narcissism and anti-social behavior,

until two colleagues died, your father died.

- Your issues run deeper than Vicodin. - That's not gonna cheer me up, is it?

You need to be transferred to our long-term ward,

started on medication, talk therapy...

Yeah. I get it.

Just one thing I'm getting hung up on. I can leave whenever I want.

How about I start with that?

You can't go back to practicing medicine.

I don't want to practice medicine. I've decided I want to be an astronaut.

Well, if you want your state astronaut's license,

you're gonna need my recommendation.

Is that a popular new treatment, blackmail?

You need to get better.

Welcome to Ward Six.

So, brass tacks.

What do I have to do and how long do I have to be here?

Depends on you. Process is pretty basic.

If you follow the schedule, agree to take meds,

participate in group and individual therapy, we can work on goals...

- I set a goal. - Excellent. What is it?

My goal is to get your boss to write the letter that I want him to write.

Now let's talk process. I can smile through gritted teeth and play nice,

but there are serious risks of violence involved in that choice.

So I'm going with turning this ward upside down,

making you and your boss' job and life so unmanageable

that he'll write whatever he has to write to get rid of me.

He's all set. - Thanks.

Yo, I don't need an escort. Get off me.

Who are you? You believe these guys?

Lecturing me on manic depression, like I couldn't write a book or two.

I stopped taking my meds because I want to stop taking my meds,

because nothing is wrong with me. No reason to keep dragging me back here.

When I'm on them, everything slows down, that's when the problem is.

Hey, nice to see you. My roomie last time couldn't stand me.

Really?

I'm Juan Alvarez. J.A.'s my stage name,

but Alvie's what everybody around here calls me.

Like the Woody Allen character in Annie Hall,

but the Puerto Rican version and not as neurotic.

So, what do I call you?

You're actually waiting for an answer this time?

- You can call me House. - (EXCLAIMS)

He's a brick house.

Hey, wait up.

I've already got the whole place wired, so I'll give you the rundown.

Yo, everybody, this is my new roomie House, y'all.

- Main thing you gotta know... - Is this a line?

Hey, Gabby, meet my new roommate, House.

- You can call him Hizzy. - No, you can't.

Don't worry, she won't call you anything.

She hasn't talked in like 10 years or something.

Good you came here. You need to know the lay of the land.

- I need to request a new room. - (LAUGHS) You're funny.

You're also gonna come here to get your meds.

- I'm not on any meds. - You either? Good for you.

Tell me my mind works too fast,

probably tell Usain Bolt he runs too fast.

Excuse me. I know you're busy ignoring me, but my mini-bar is empty.

You think Bolt could do the long jump?

That sport needs to evolve, had the same world record for like 20 years.

I think if one guy launched himself head first

and right before he hits the ground does a front flip instead,

get three extra feet out of that, easy.

Go be that man.

My head!

My head!

You're not getting any Haldol. Sorry.

That's Hal. His real name is Connor, but we call him Hal because...

Yeah. I got it.

We can't play that. They keep it locked up.

I wish we could, but at the same time,

you can imagine how annoying that could be.

Crazy people playing on it all the time. We'd never get any peace.

Come on, I want to introduce you to everybody.

You think he's serious?

He's a doctor. He knows that acting out will only reinforce our diagnosis.

Or it'll work.

You actually think this is something we should be concerned about?

A patient makes a threat, you should always be concerned.

There are two new additions to our ward. You all know Alvie.

Thank you. Thank you. Hold your applause.

It's great to be back here in Mayfield.

Not just for the food, not just for the ladies...

Well, okay, maybe just for the ladies.

And you should also welcome Greg to the floor.

Don't worry about the name. Just passing through.

I don't want to break any hearts.

- Can we go outside now? - Not now, Jay.

So he's claustrophobic, right? You're claustrophobic.

Can I get a pen to write this stuff down?

Where are you going? Where's he going?

- It's okay. - Paranoid. Check.

Dr. Beasley, I'm having an issue with the food.

What's the problem?

I swear I'm eating less and less and I just keep getting bigger and bigger.

- A crayon, anybody? - We'll talk about it another time.

I understand you all had art therapy yesterday.

Maybe we can hang some of the new pieces on the wall.

- Cut your wrists, huh? - Greg, there are certain topics...

Oh. I'm sorry, is suicide taboo?

Gosh, if I've broken a rule on my first day, I will kill myself.

- Group's over. - That flew by.

You realize you're not the first uncooperative patient on this floor?

Really? Is there a club?

Yes. Come with me to the clubhouse.

- That didn't take long. - I'm that good.

Come on, come on, come on.

Come on, Alvie, let's see some action.

Me! Me! Me! - Pass. Pass. Pass.

Good! Come on, guys!

Ready to play nice?

- Would you believe me if I said yes? - No.

Then yes.

You do know I'm trying to help you.

I also know you're trying to be sweet, caring and effective.

You're just not.

You want out. Just talk, be honest,

try to work with people, try to deal with people.

Okay-

- House! House! He's on my team. - Shut up. Nobody likes you.

- Hey. Am I crowding you? - What?

Can't see the sun? Oh, no. Everything's closing in.

Okay. Okay.

He's the claustrophobic one, right? Because I'm doing this from memory.

- You have to dribble. - Why?

CIA satellites aren't watching me,

they're watching you 'cause you're wearing green.

That one was just too easy.

Seriously, anorexia? Were you supposed to be a girl?

And in answer to your implicit question, yes, those pants do make you look fat.

How upset were you when you woke up in the ER

and you were still alive and a failure?

Two-nothing, good guys.

You're right. It is rewarding to reach out.

You can't go up there. It's yard time right now.

Put it on my tab.

I think you'll find music therapy is more effective

if the patients are inside to hear it.

Where'd you get the key?

They gave it to me.

So, if she ever talks, are we gonna get a German accent?

No. She's my husband's sister.

- So let him come play the piano. - He doesn't know how to play.

Nice. A little heavy on the right foot, though.

See her head? It bobs to the music.

It's the only real reaction I'm getting from her.

Feels like we're talking.

You're not talking.

Her head is bobbing to her pulse.

Are you a new doctor on the ward?

Technically, yes.

Can I lead this time?

Come on.

Leave the lid unlocked when you're done.

Can you close the door? You're letting all the cool air out.

If you keep up this scorched earth policy,

you're gonna end up living in this room.

Are you ready to try another strategy or do you want me to leave you in here?

Twenty-one. Two-one. That's game. Hey, House is back.

I'll get the ball.

Come on. I need some meat. I got no one left to play.

"I'll play v0" -

Pssh, girl. Come on, House. You can serve.

I've had some time to think about the approach I've been taking.

I'm new, I'm unhappy here, and I've been taking it out on you guys.

Unfairly.

It was misdirected anger.

'Cause when you think about it, the real jerks here are the doctors.

House.

You see how they give you a ping-pong table, but no paddles, no net.

- It's like they're mocking you. - Preach.

The game is called table tennis, not table volleyball.

Greg, you know where this is gonna end.

Whoever saw a tennis court without a net?

A little run-down park across from my apartment, growing up.

Three courts, no nets, no one ever used it.

No one's gonna try to hang themselves with a ping-pong net.

- Of course not. - That's ridiculous.