American Horror Story

Dear Diary, It was a Saturday, the third of September,

that the world as I had known was forever doomed.

The shadows that had sheltered me were banished by the blinding light of scrutiny.

I knew I was about to enter the gates of hell.

But like the inescapable pull of gravity,

there was nothing I could do about it.

Mrs. Tattler?

Mrs. Tattler, it's Bill Palmer.

Your milkman.

Mrs. Tattler?

Oh, sweet Jesus.

Straight to the operating suite!

One bladder.

Three kidneys‒

two on the left and one on the right.

Nurse. Are you writing this down?

Yes, Doctor.

Four lungs.

Two hearts with a shared circulatory system.

"The victim, 63-year-old Eudora Tattler,

was thought by neighbors to have lived alone.

The unfortunate creature discovered at the crime scene,

who witnesses are describing as 'monstrously deformed,'

may be a relation, sources say."

I don't blame the old lady for keeping it hidden.

If I gave birth to something like that, I'd drown it in the bathtub first thing.

Penny, that's terrible.

You better not let Miss Kilgreen hear you talking like that.

Or catch you wearing red lips on the floor.

She's already got it in for you.

I have rounds.

Can I help you?

I have come to visit my poor ailing aunt.

But I have trouble navigating your halls.

Um, you're not supposed to smoke in this wing, ma'am.

Oh, it's fine. It's Lucky Strike. It's good for you.

Here. Have one. Go ahead.

Go ahead, try it.

So, tell me, my peppermint angel.

I could not help but see a police officer sitting outside one of the doors.

Yeah. That's on account of what's in there.

And what is in there?

I read in the papers that something quite extraordinary was brought in here.

"Extraordinary"?

I guess to the bumpkins in this town maybe.

I take it you're not fond of the sleepy little hamlet of Jupiter.

So, to fill the idle hours, you volunteer here?

Hell, my mom made me. It was this or reform school.

Oh, you are young and full of life.

You should not be surrounded by death and disease.

Life is to be lived.

You said it, sister.

Here. I know what a girl like you needs.

"Fräulein Elsa's Cabinet of Curiosities"?

What is it?

Only by entering will you learn its secrets.

Oh, miss. You don't want to go in there, believe me.

Will I find a monster? That's what the papers are saying, Officer Pipes.

Papers ain't lying.

All the more reason to allow in just a touch of human kindness.

Don't you agree?

Oh.

Hmm.

I don't know you.

What pretty girls you are.

And so fortunate to have a sister.

You will need something to wear when you leave here.

I will be honest.

It was quite eerie out there at your farmhouse.

Violence lingers in the air.

Why is she being so nice to us?

She wants something.

They called you dim-witted in the newspapers,

because you don't speak.

But someone reads.

And my intuition tells me...

it wasn't your dear departed mama.

Betty Grable is my favorite.

There's a bit of Betty about you.

Sensual lips.

That sassy smile.

I've had a long and complicated love affair with show business myself, you know.

Have you ever met Betty?

Our paths nearly crossed.

But fate intervened.

When we lived in Alabama, I saw her in Tin Pan Alley.

Shut up! What's wrong with you?

Anyway.

Let's have a look at you, Lefty, hmm?

You're no Betty Grable.

But--

But you do remind one of Jean Arthur.

Have you ever had a boyfriend? Either of you?

I must confess‒

One of your doctors shared your X-ray reports with me.

It says you have two hearts,

but only one...

reproductive system.

Complicated, no?

Tell me.

Has anyone tasted your cherry pie?

Oh, dear God. She's a psycho pervert.

She's down to earth is all.

So, you're virgins?

Sad for you.

But do you at least pleasure yourselves?

She never wants that.

I hate you.

If I touch myself,

she closes her eyes and pretends she doesn't feel anything.

She told me she leaves her body.

I think she's lying. I think she likes it.

Shut your disgusting mouth, you slut!

And you...

get out of this room.

Yeah.

You rest now.

But I'll be back.

I never give up on a friend, meine Liebchen.

Don't stop.

Come on. I want to do it. We can't afford a baby.

Well, I stole two rubbers from Drucker's...

because I just can't get enough of you.

I have something for you too. It's in my car.

Stay here.

Okay.

Um, who are you?

Oh, for me. Oh, okay.

Thank you.

What-- What happened to the rest of your mask?

- Who the hell is this? - Y-You didn't hire him?

Troy?

Troy?

Oh, no.

No!

No!

No!

Clipping coupons?

It's a review from Stage Fright,

Dietrich's new film.

Clearly Mr. Hitchcock had some kind of mental break...

when he cast her in this picture.

Here, look. Look at all of them. Here.

This one is from The Garden of Allah, calling her box office poison.

They paid her $200,000...

to take a hot shit on that movie.

I-I don't get to the movies much.

Refill. Refill!

I'm serious. I'm serious. I'm not kidding, okay?

I can ride a motorbike like the wind.

Yes. And, wait--

I can show you.

We'll go around the block a couple times.

A couple times? Yeah.

- You can check out my place. - - Why don't you just take me home?

Home? Yeah, that's great.

Fancy meeting you here.

I can't seem to get this thing to work.

Would you try?

Is this your mom?

Hit the road, toots.

You selfish good-for-nothing!

I find us this place that can be a home,

where we can expand our show,

build an audience,

become a destination,

and you're going to risk it all for some floozy?

I heard what the landlord said. They don't want us here anymore.

You're living in your own dream, Elsa.

Now, be careful with these, Ma Petite.

I have only two pair left.

Okay, Miss Elsa. They're so pretty.

They are so pretty, just like you.

Now, fold for Mama.

Where were we, Herr Haddonfield?

No offense, Miss Elsa, but I lost four toes to frostbite...

in the Ardennes in the winter of '44.

It's Mr. Haddonfield, not "Herr."

You Americans are so sensitive. You won the war.

I'm going to need you and your troupe to vacate the field.

But you gave us a year's lease! We've barely been here two months!

No one's coming to see your shows.

Yes, but I'm scouting new acts. There's a change in the air.

I admire your spirit, Miss Elsa. I do.

But there's a revival coming down from Georgia next weekend.

Preacher wants to plant his tent right here.

And he pays in advance.

In cash.

Hmph.

If it were up to me, I'd‒

My wife doesn't like having the freaks staying in the field.

She's having nightmares.

My monsters wouldn't hurt a fly!

So pretty, no? Made in Belgium. Just for me.

Mmm.

You know, Mr. Haddonfield,

you were our savior.

I think I have a bottle of Schnapps.

Perhaps you would like to come in and see the inside of a star's palace? Hmm?

I still can't figure out how you got another month out of him.