The Simpsons

Much Apu About Nothing

Run, Daddy, run!

Open the door, Maude. I don't have time for the secret knock!

I'm panicking, Neddie.

I can't work the knob.

This is Kent Brockman with a special report from the Channel 6 News copter.

A large bear-like animal, most likely a bear...

...has wandered down from the hills in search of food or employment.

Please remain calm. Stay in your homes.

Looks like bad news for the...

..."Impson" family.

Let's all calm down. Everyone's going to be just fine...

...as long as I've got enough beers.

All right, that does it.

If I'm gonna be trapped inside the house, I gotta go out and buy some beer.

Now to drop gracefully through the windshield.

I got you, Dad!

Sweet dreams, Smokey.

Animal tranquilizer!

Book him, Lou. One count of being a bear.

And one count of being an accessory to being a bear.

Oh, Marge, it was horrible.

We were trapped in the house all afternoon...

...and, well...

...we had to drink toilet water.

Well, things were bad everywhere.

I'm sick of these constant bear attacks.

It's like a freaking country bear "jamboroo" around here.

Well, now, realistically, Homer, I've lived here some 30-odd years.

This is the first and only bear I've ever seen.

Hey, if you want wild bears eating your children...

...and scaring away your salmon, that's your business.

But I'm not gonna take it!

- Who's with me? - I am!

We're here! We're queer! We don't want any more bears!

We're here! We're queer! We don 't want any more bears!

That's a pretty catchy chant. Where'd you learn it?

Oh, I heard it at the mustache parade they have every year.

- We don 't want any more bears! - There's an unruly mob to see you.

Does it have an appointment?

Yes, it does.

I phoned ahead.

Mr. Mayor, I hate to break it to you, but your city is infested with bears.

Yeah, and these ones are smarter than the average bear.

- They swiped my picnic basket. - Think of the children.

Very well. I promise swift and decisive action...

...against these hibernating hucksters.

Not a bear in sight.

The bear patrol must be working like a charm.

- That's specious reasoning, Dad. - Thank you, honey.

By your logic, I could claim that this rock keeps tigers away.

- How does it work? - It doesn't work.

It's just a stupid rock.

But I don't see any tigers around here, do you?

Lisa, I want to buy your rock.

A perfect day. Zero bears, and one big, fat, hairy paycheck.

Hey, how come my pay is so low?

"Bear-patrol tax, $5.00."

What? This is an outrage!

It's the biggest tax increase in history!

Dad, it's the smallest tax increase in history.

Let the bears pay the bear tax. I pay the Homer tax.

That's the "homeowner" tax.

Well, anyway, I'm still outraged.

Down with taxes!

Down with taxes!

Down with taxes!

Won't you think of the children?

Are these morons getting dumber or just louder?

Dumber. They won't give up bear patrol, but they won't pay taxes for it either.

Ducking this issue calls for real leadership.

People, your taxes are high because of illegal immigrants.

That's right, illegal immigrants.

We need to get rid of them.

"Immigants," I knew it was them.

Even when it was the bears, I knew it was them.

Won't somebody please think of the children?

In one week the town will vote on a special referendum...

...whether or not to deport all illegal immigrants from Springfield.

It shall be known as Proposition 24.

Hey, German boy, go back to Germania.

I do not deserve this!

I have come here legally as an exchange student.

Young man, the only thing we exchange for you is our national dignity.

You want to pick on immigrants, then pick on Willie.

Willie, please.

The children wanna pick on someone their own size.

I don't see how you can support Proposition 24, Dad.

Open your eyes, Lisa.

Our schools are so jam-packed with immigrants...

...kids like Bart have lost the will to learn.

There's no denying it, sis.

But immigration is what America's all about.

Even the Simpson family immigrated to America. Right, Grampa?

Okay, you twisted my arm.

The Simpson story begins back in the old country.

I forget which one exactly.

My father would drone on and on about America.

He thought it was the greatest thing since sliced bread.

Sliced bread having been invented the previous winter.

See this, son? That's where we're going to live.

Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but someday.

Later that day, we set sail for America.

There it is. Our new home.

I love America!

Abe, supper's on!

We had to move out once we'd filled the head with garbage. The end.

When those immigrants get deported there'll be more elbowroom...

...for regular joes like you and me, Apu.

Mr. Simpson, it may astonish you to learn that I am an immigrant.

You? I don't believe it.

No, in truth, an illegal immigrant, sir.

If Proposition 24 passes, I shall be forced to leave this country.

Oh, I wish...

Oh, I wish I could have stayed just one more year or two.

There was so much I wanted to see and to do and to have done to me.

Oh, my God.

I got so swept up in the scapegoating and fun of Proposition 24...

...I never stopped to think it might affect someone I cared about.

You know what, Apu?

I am really, really gonna miss you.

You know what really "aggravases" me is them "immigants."

They want the benefits of living in Springfield...

...but they ain't bothered to learn themselves the language.

Yeah, those are exactly my "sentimonies."

Yeah...

You said it, Barn.

Make the protesters go away, and I'll give you the entire bottle.

Oh, thank you goodness.

My first customers in a week.

It's hard to believe someone so close to our family could be an illegal alien.

Alas, it is true.

I came here shortly after my graduation from Caltech.

Calcutta Technical Institute.

As the top student in my graduating class of 7 million...

...I was accepted for graduate study in the United States.

Wherever you go and whatever you do, we will always love you.

Make us proud, son.

- Never forget who you are. - I won't, Mother.

And I won't forget you, Manjula.

I am so sorry our arranged marriage will not come to pass.

Farewell, my beloved.

I enrolled at Springfield Heights Institute of Technology...

...under the tutelage of the brilliant Professor John Frink.

Well, sure, the Frinkiac 7 looks impressive... Don't touch it!

- But I predict that within 100 years, computers will be twice as powerful...

...10,000 times larger, and so expensive...

...that only the five richest kings of Europe will own them.

Could it be used for dating?

Well, theoretically, yes...

...but the computer matches would be so perfect...

...as to eliminate the thrill of romantic conquest... way.

Nine glorious years later, I completed my Ph.D. Thesis.

Two hundred thousand precisely ordered punch cards...

...comprising the world's very first tic-tac-toe program.

Only the top human players could beat it.

Hey, what's this one for?

So, Apu, why didn't you go back to India when your student visa expired?

I did not feel right leaving without paying off my student loans.

So I took a job at the Kwik-E-Mart.

When my debts were wiped clean, I was all set to go.

But by then I had made so many friends here.

What you're saying is so understandable.

And really, your only crime was violating U.S. Law.

Oh, you are one of the good ones.

You know what? I'm going to vote no on 24.

Mom, you're the greatest. Can I have this licorice?