Silicon Valley

All right, let's do an exercise.

You can build anything in the world you want with your compression.

What's it gonna be? Three, two, one, go.

A... A new internet.

What? Why?

I am your lead investor. You will respect me as such.

I do not respect you because you are fat and poor.

So, you're telling me that the perfect application

of my algorithm belongs to Gavin fucking Belson?

- (WOOD CRACKING) - (DOORKNOB CLATTERING)

We need his patent and his funding.

Eventually, this will render every server obsolete.

Holy shit.

Welcome to the future, Gavin.

- Whoa! Oh, no. Oh, no. - Son of a bitch!

I have spoken to our top LPs to start a new firm.

Would you care to jump ship with me?

You are, after all, my best friend.

What?

Gavin just fucked off to go find himself,

who knows where.

- What is it? - It's the patent.

He just signed over full ownership to me.

There's a loud man here to see you.

- Kendo in the house! (CHORTLES) - Are you fucking kidding me?

(SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

Welcome home and congratulations on getting your business back.

Thank you, and I should

congratulate you on your breakthrough.

I can help you get where you wanna go.

I'm pretty sure I know where I wanna go,

and how to get there.

I shall look forward to the fight.

Jesus, what the hell did he order?

Oh... No! No, no, no, no. Stop! Stop it, stop it.

Oh my God. (Chuckles)

These are our new offices?

Richard: Yeah. Well, this is just the lobby.

We're up there on the second floor, but yup.

These are so nice.

There's a fireplace.

Oh! I am a sucker for an intuitive kitchen layout.

Follow me, right up here. Trust me, you're gonna love it.

Gilfoyle: It's hard to believe your pathological inability

to make a decision finally paid off. (Laughs)

Jared: Wow. Richard, well done.

Dude! Look at this place, huh?

Jared: Oh, I love it. (Dinesh laughs)

So, when do these guys move out?

Oh, no, this isn't our space.

Our sublease is straight through here.

Okay.

I welcome you to Pied Piper's new home.

Huh? (Laughs) (lights humming)

Hoo-hoo-hoo!

It's... it's very white.

Yeah, it's minimalist, you know?

Sharp, clean lines.

I was thinking about maybe putting my desk here in this corner.

Jared, you over here, right?

Dinesh, Gilfoyle, maybe up against this wall or over there.

You know, just take a minute, walk around the space,

see where the mojo takes you.

I mean, we've got some good feng shui in here.

Really good. (Mimics fists whooshing)

Richard, the plan was to hire 15 coders

and some assistants and... and other staff.

Where exactly would we put them?

Easy. Right around here.

Look, guys... (chuckles) the price

is unbelievable.

I'm just happy that we got to it when we did before anyone else.

I... I emphatically vote that we move on this now, if we all agree.

I mean, we do agree, right?

I cannot put this delicately, so...

Are you fucking kidding me, dude?

You want us to work in here?

This is a fucking black site, Richard!

A black site would actually be better,

because at least we'd be protected by the Geneva Convention.

This is fucking with my eyes. Can I get outta here?

Okay, ha... hang on. Richard, can I talk to you

for one second, please, privately? Richard: Sure.

Ah! See? Plenty of outlets.

Richard... what are you doing?

We can easily afford a place with windows and... air

where you can maintain a connection to time and space.

If... if we spend all that money, it's gone.

Okay, don't you remember Jack Barker

squandering all our runway for those fancy offices

or Russ Hanneman spending nearly every cent we had on fucking swag?

I'm sorry, man, we do not get another chance.

This is it.

Gilfoyle: There is no point whispering.

We can hear every fucking word you say in this sweat box.

I can hear you gulping, Richard.

No, you can't. (Gulps)

Richard, it is my firm opinion

that if we were to take this space,

our new hires wouldn't be coding,

they would be having panic attacks.

No, come on. I'm doing a really good job of hiding it,

but I'm having one right now.

I gotta get the fuck outta here.

Jared, you okay? I will not be back.

Wait, guys, hold on. Jared, I'm gonna get you some water, okay?

Richard: Okay, what about this guy, Chris Berger?

He's a very skilled engineer.

He was very funny when we met with him. I think he'd be great.

He was oddly tall, don't you think?

Gilfoyle: Yeah, pass.

Alright, what about Blake Kang?

His beard hair looked like head hair.

And his head hair looked like beard hair.

Come on! It's been a fucking month.

I got us these expensive-ass offices

because you wanted them, and now they're just sitting here, empty,

because you guys won't agree on anyone.

Look, I'm going to be seeing Laurie Bream

at this stupid Innovation Hall of Fame event tonight,

and she's gonna ask how hiring is going.

She's 11 months pregnant and highly irritable.

What am I going to tell her?

That we've just been dicking around the whole time?

We're not dicking around. Really?

What about this?

Gilfoyle: Touché.

He sent in a professional headshot. We had no choice.

Plus his face looks like a taint.

Okay, yeah, fair.

But look, I sent you 63 good people.

I spared you kilt guy, openly alt-right guy,

obviously closeted alt-right guy,

and the guy with the stupid fucking pizza app.

It was so lame, it would somehow make you hate pizza.

You have to choose. Dude, it's easy for you to say.

You're gonna be off CEO'ing, going to fancy galas.

We're the ones who have to like be in the engine room with these clowns.

Gilfoyle: They have to meet our rigorous standards.

I mean, look at the three we've already hired.

Just look at them. There they are.

Stallions.

Gilfoyle: Each one more magnificent than the last.

Dinesh: Perfect.

Yeah, they're glorious, obviously,

but that's only three of them,

and they're luxuriating here in this huge fucking palace

that is costing us a fortune, so hurry up and pick these fucking coders,

and stop acting like a couple of spoiled millionaires.

Alright, Richard,

your tuxedo is pressed and ready for the gala.

I put a touch of mint in the steamer.

You're gonna look like Richard Gere from "Pretty Woman."

Maybe tonight you'll fall for a radiant sex worker.

During my sabbatical from Hooli,

I toured the wonders of the world, seeking inspiration

from mankind's greatest achievements...

the Parthenon, Angkor Wat,

the Great Pyramid of Giza.

But it wasn't until my flight home

that I had my epiphany.

Yes, those wonders are visited by thousands of people every year,

but 2.4 million people

visit HooliSearch every minute.

God, what a fucking douchebag.

Gavin: And then it occurred to me.

What I have built is a far greater achievement,

than any of the ancient world.

And the ideal version of myself

was the man I already was.

(classical score plays)

Thank you.

Richard? Richard Hendricks.

Oh. Huh? Okay. Yeah, hi, Duncan. Yeah.

Me and my guys were just talking about you and your pizza app.

Oh yeah. I bet. Our algorithm finds you

the cheapest, fastest pizza, and it's... it's awesome.

Yeah. It's actually so awesome... Definitely.

That... oh man, I'm gonna... I'm gonna have to pull my resume.

Oh, you're pulling your... (clicks tongue)

Oh no. Yeah, I just don't feel as psyched about it

as I do about Sliceline. Sliceline?

That's the name of your app?

Yeah. Oh God. (Chuckles)

Great. Yeah, it's a pun.

Is it? Yeah. It rhymes with Priceline.

Okay. Just... so, it rhymes? Okay. Yeah. It's a rhyming pun.

Anyway, there might be some major VCs around here, so I gotta go mingle.

Okay. It's the... it's the worst part of this job. Am I right?

I'm kidding. It's the best part of the job.

Okay.

What an asshole.

Richard. Gavin, hello.

Don't you look cute in your Sunday best?

How's that little bunny Internet going?

Mmm. New Internet. New.

Unlike your old Internet.

You know, I'm glad I ran into you, Richard.

I was actually starting to feel bad about what I did today.

Oh? And what was that?