The Simpsons

Bart the Fink

My condolences on the untimely passing of your Great-aunt Hortense.

As her only living heirs, you stand to inherit her entire estate.

Poor Aunt Hortense.

The only stipulation is that you spend one night in a haunted house.

- Oh, isn't that somewhat unusual? - No. It's a standard clause.

Well, luckily there's no such thing as ghosts.

Yes, there's no such thing as ghosts.

- Best night's sleep I ever had. - Their tap water tasted better than ours.

Here you go. One hundred dollars each.

The rest goes to Ann Landers, as was stipulated in your aunt's will.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I must have continued talking after you left the office.

I do that sometimes.

Oh, my!

What are you gonna spend your money on, kids?

There's a special on tacos at the Taco Mat:

100 tacos for $ 100. I'm gonna get that.

I'm gonna contribute my money to the Corporation for Public Broadcasting.

Tacos? Public broadcasting?

I won't have you throwing your money away like that.

You're coming downtown with me and you're gonna put that money in the bank.

Boy, I sure could go for 100 tacos right about now.

No!

Yes. This should provide adequate sustenance for the Doctor Who marathon.

You'll feel better knowing your money is in the hands of professionals.

- Are you folks ready to go ape? - Mom?

A professional in an ape mask is still a professional.

And you'll find that saving for your future...

...is far more thrilling than any roller coaster.

Really? Wow, I should've started a long time ago.

Now, fill out these forms. I'm sure you'll find them more exciting than...

...a weekend with Batman.

I got their new Thrifty Saver Savings Account.

"2.3 percent annual interest instead of the normal 2.25."

So a year from now, I'll have an extra nickel.

I got the one where you get free customized checks.

I chose the Hindenburg flipbook series.

Cool!

Checking accounts aren't really for children, Bart.

No, Mom. I can handle it. Let's see.

Pay to the order of Lisa...

...1 cent. And no cents.

And now the old John Hancock. There you go.

Thank you.

A million dollars! Thanks, Bart! I owe you one.

That's a postdated check, remember. Don't cash it until year 10,000.

Okay.

Excellent! As soon as the check clears, I'll let you go.

That's it. No more autographs. I gotta go.

They're naming a new sandwich after me at my restaurant.

That's okay, Bart. You can share mine.

Press against me while the ink's still wet.

No need. I'm going to get Krusty's autograph the easy way.

If he wants these 25 cents, he'll have to endorse the check by signing on the back.

When my monthly bank statement comes, I'll get the check back...

...complete with autograph. No fuss, no muss.

That's a good plan. But it won't impress girls like this!

Lisa's autograph, Apu's autograph.

Oh, what do you know. Jimbo's real name is Corky.

And Krusty!

Hey! "Cayman Islands Offshore Holding Corporation"?

Krusty was supposed to sign this. Take it back. Make him sign.

No, no. Stamping the back of a check is perfectly legal, little boy.

Many people do it to save time. You see, in this case...

...instead of writing out his name, Krusty stamped the name...

...of his Cayman Islands Holding Corporation on the...

Excuse me a minute.

I'm sorry.

I can't divulge information about that customer's secret, illegal account.

Oh, crap. I shouldn't have said he was a customer.

Oh, crap! I shouldn't have said it was a secret.

Oh, crap! I certainly shouldn't have said it was illegal!

It's too hot today.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! I bought this popcorn fair and square.

Sorry, the bank is... Oh, kid. Gosh, I meant to tell you...

...it turns out that Krusty is one of the biggest tax cheats in history...

...and they nailed him, all thanks to you.

Some might say you're a hero, kid.

Not me, however. I love Krusty.

Ladies and gentlemen, Krusty the Clown was arrested today for massive tax fraud.

Krusty's years of tax "avoision" would never have...

- What is "avoision"? - Avoision is a crime. Look it up.

- Would never have... - Use "evasion." Evasion.

I don 't say "evasion," I say "avoision."

Would never have come to light if not for a crafty little boy named Bart Simpson.

Krusty's my hero. How could I do this to him?

It is a tragedy for all us kids. But, Bart, you can't beat yourself up.

Yeah. There'll be enough people to do that for me at recess tomorrow.

Oh, I can't go to jail. I got a swanky lifestyle.

- I'm used to the best. - Krusty, this is America.

We don't send our celebrities to jail. We're just going to garnish your salary.

- Garnish my celery? - Please, Krusty, no jokes.

Who's joking?!

Oh, I don't know what you're saying. It all sounds so crazy to me!

It simply means we'll be taking part of your salary until your debt is repaid.

- Say, 75 percent for 40 years. - But I don't plan to live that long!

- Well, better make it 95 percent. - Oh, boy!

The Internal Revenue Service presents Herschel Krustofsky's Clown-Related...

...Entertainment Show.

Hey, hey, kids! Now that the feds are calling the shots...

...this show's gotta be a lot more cost-effective.

So we had to cut down on the frills like sets, props, costumes and Sideshow Mel.

But that doesn't mean we can 't have fun! For example...

...I sure wish somebody would give me a banana cream pie.

Yeah.

I guess we can't afford pies right now. Well, throw something!

The corner...!

I'll have four Tax Burgers, one "IRSwich," withhold the lettuce...

...three dependent-size sodas and a "FICAccino."

Fill out Schedule B. You should receive your burgers in six to eight weeks.

All right, let's see here, add Schedule B to line 53, take away...

Hey, Marge! What were your gambling losses last year?

Seven hundred dollars!

They took my money, they wrecked my show...

...they buried a bunch of stinking veterans in my family plot.

But at least I still got my memories.

Those are locked up safe in my fabulous mansion.

And now, lot number 66: A handmade leather suitcase...

...carried by the Krustofsky family upon their arrival at Ellis Island in 1902.

A priceless heirloom and historic piece of "Krustyana." What am I bid?

- Forty cents. - I got 40 cents, 40 over there.

Forty cents over here, 40 cents, do I hear 50?

Fifty over here, sold for 40 cents!

Forty cents?

My Grandpa Zev would turn over in his grave if it wasn't filled with a veteran.

Lot 67: 32 cartons of pornography.

- Ten cents. - Twelve.

Twelve cents to our phone bidder in Japan. Any advance?

All I brought is a dime. I didn't know there'd be pornography.

Sold for 12 cents.

Oh, my beloved pornography! I can't watch this anymore. I'm going to bed.

- How much for Krusty's bed? - Half a buck.

- Sold! - Goodnight, everybody.

Goodnight, Moe.

And now, lot number 2380:

Krusty's private plane, the "I'm-on-a-Rolla Gay."

But I love that plane! I used to fly to Vegas in it with Dean Martin.

One night he looked out the window and the moon hit his eye like a big pizza pie.

We wrote a song about it...

...but it ended up infringing on one he recorded years before.

Hey, Selma. That plane would go great with your new suitcase.

I just bought it to soak my feet in.

Krusty. Hi. Is it okay if I sit down here?

Go ahead, kid. Knock yourself out.

I'm sorry for all the trouble I've caused you, Krusty.

But, you know, my mom says, "God never closes a door...

...without opening a window."

No offense, kid, but your mom's a dingbat.

There's no silver lining here.

I was a big cheese, a huge cheese! But now look at me.

I gotta ride the bus like a schnook.

I gotta live in an apartment like an idiot.

I gotta wait in line with nobodies to buy groceries from a failure!