The Simpsons

The Day the Violence Died

We now return to our 48-hour Itchy & Scratchy...

...diamond jubilee marathon.

Celebrating 75 years of rib-tickling brutality and hilarious atrocities.

Lisa, if I ever stop loving violence...

...I want you to shoot me. - Will do.

Tonight, a stowaway bear is terrorizing space shuttle astronauts.

But first, a sneak peek at tomorrow's Itchy & Scratchy parade.

Hello, everybody. I'm here, live on Main Street...

...where fans are already staking out the best seats for the anniversary parade.

- Bye, Mom! Bye, Dad! - Bye, kids.

On your way back, pick up a six-pack of beer.

Bart, Lisa, it's 11:00 at night.

- Where do you think you're going? - Downtown.

To get seats for the Itchy & Scratchy parade.

I won't have my children sitting alone on a cold, dangerous street all night.

Homer, you go too.

Why can't they just take the gun?

Hey, the comic book store's still open.

- Save our seats. - Will do.

Hello.

Hey, sister, just give me a chance to get next to you.

Hey, my threads, baby.

How come I've never seen that Itchy & Scratchy before?

Because you are a prepubescent ignoramus.

This is a bootleg copy of Itchy & Scratchy Meet Fritz the Cat.

Because of its frank depiction of sex and narcotic consumption...

...it is not for infantile intellects such as yours. Now, toodle-oo.

Cool.

I'll give you 10 bucks for that.

Are you the creator of "Hi and Lois"? Because you're making me laugh.

That drawing is worth exactly $ 750 American.

It's valuable, huh?

Your powers of deduction are exceptional.

I can't allow you to waste them here...

...when there are crimes going unsolved at this very moment. Go! Go!

- For the good of the city! - Loser.

Aw, nerts!

- Which one's Itchy? The car? - The mouse.

Oh, I guess that's not him then.

Represented on this next float is Roger Myers, Sr...

...who founded his company in 1921...

...and struck it big when he teamed up a mouse named Itchy...

...with a cat named Scratchy.

Here we see him creating the two comical characters...

...out of thoughts he plucks from his head.

And that man waving from the front of the float is his son, Roger Myers, Jr.

Oh, isn't this just the most fun you've ever had in your life, Dave?

Yes, Suzanne. It is.

Forget this. I'm out of here.

Hey, Bart!

And now the parade has entered Bum Town.

Oh, it's all just so exciting, Dave.

This certainly seems to be a poorly planned parade route.

Hey, wait up!

Get out of Bum Town, you no-talent bum.

Show some respect, man. That no-talent created Itchy & Scratchy.

He didn't create Itchy. I did.

He stole the character from me in 1928.

When I complained, his thugs kicked me out of his office...

...and dropped an anvil on me.

Luckily, I was carrying an umbrella at the time.

You invented Itchy? The Itchy & Scratchy Itchy?

Sure. In fact, I invented the whole concept of cartoon violence.

Before I came along, all cartoon animals did was play the ukulele.

- I changed all that. - Well, I'm not calling you a liar, but...

But I can't think of a way to finish that sentence.

So I'm a liar, am I?

"Itchy the lucky mouse in Manhattan Madness."

That's the first Itchy cartoon ever made.

And it was made by me, Chester J. Lampwick.

Find me a 90-year-old projector and I'll prove it to you.

"Itchy runs afoul of an Irishman."

Look out, Itchy! He's Irish!

Come on, Itchy, kill him! Kill that guy!

"A chance for more mis..."

Look at that fat oaf.

That's Teddy Roosevelt.

I can't believe it. That was Itchy, all right. You did invent him.

When people see this, you'll be rich and famous.

That was a nice film I had once.

Last time I try to impress a 4-year-old.

Well, see you, kid.

You can't just go back to the gutter.

You created Itchy. You should be a millionaire.

Roger Myers wouldn't give me a cent in the '20s.

Why would he give me anything now?

You asked Roger Myers, Sr. For money.

Roger Myers, Jr. Is in charge of the studio now. He's a good man.

Every Christmas, he goes to the pound...

...and rescues one cat and one mouse and gives them to a hungry family.

The studio's closed until Tuesday.

Animators have AA on Monday.

You can stay at my house until then.

My parents won't mind. They won't even know about it.

All right. The coast is clear.

- There's a box you can sleep in. - Thanks.

- Just move that cot out of the way. - Okay.

Do you know what radon is?

- No. - Good night.

Spare change?

Mom, there's a weird smell and a lot of cursing...

...coming from the basement, and Dad's upstairs.

Oh, it's just Bart and a mysterious stranger.

He's not a regular bum, Mom. He's a genius bum.

He created Itchy, and he's the father of cartoon violence.

He just needs to stay here till tomorrow.

We're going to Itchy & Scratchy Studios to pick up his check.

If it's just for one more night.

So let's review.

You two screwballs have just strolled in here fresh from the sewer...

...and given me a bunch of bulldink about creating Itchy, with no proof...

...and you expect me to give you how much?

Eight hundred billion dollars.

Well, that brought back a lot of memories.

All right, gentlemen, I'll take your case.

But I'm going to have to ask for a $ 1000 retainer.

A thousand dollars? But your ad says "no money down."

They got this all screwed up.

WORKS ON CONTINGENCY? NO, MONEY DOWN!

So you don't work on a contingency basis?

No, money down!

Oops, shouldn't have this Bar Association logo here either.

- Hey, Dad, can I have $ 1000? - All right. Wait a minute. For what?

- To pay for a lawyer for my bum. - Forget it.

I thought I recognized you.

I gave you a plate of corn muffins back in 1947 to paint my chicken coop.

- And you never did it! - Those corn muffins were lousy.

- Paint my chicken coop! - Make me.

That does it. One of them has to go.

- Okay. Grampa. - No. The B-U-M.

Wait. There's an easy way to get rid of Chester...

...without sending him back to the gutter.

And all it will cost you is $ 1000.

Exhibit A. Steamboat Itchy. Dated 1928.

The very first Itchy & Scratchy cartoon.

And the credits clearly state, "Written, directed and created by Roger Myers."

"Music by Roger Myers and George Gershwin."

"Produced by Roger Myers and Joseph P. Kennedy."

"Copyright 1928 by Roger Myers."

You will also notice Mr. Myers' name and copyright notice...

...on the original drawings of the other members of the Itchy & Scratchy family:

"Brown-Nose Bear, Disgruntled Goat, Flatulent Fox...

...Rich Uncle Skeleton and Dinner Dog."

My client's film predates all of those things, Your Honor.

Oh, yes. I'd forgotten.

Your famous film!

The one you destroyed before the trial...

...and haven't been able to find another copy of.

Oh, yes. That film.

Yes. You don't have a copy, do you?

Krusty, have you ever seen this so-called animation genius before?

- Yes, I have. - You have?

I gave him a couple of blintzes to paint my fence.

- But he never did it! - Those blintzes were terrible.

- Paint my fence! - Make me.

Give me back those blintzes then!

Order. Order. We don't care about your blintzes.

Now, Mr. Lampwick, when Roger Myers stole your character...

- Objection. - Sustained.

If I hear "objection" and "sustained" one more time...

...I think I'm going to scream.

- Objection. - Sustained.

Roger Myers didn't create any of his characters. He stole them all!