House

Why are you late? You're not going to like the answer.

I already know the answer. I missed the bus.

I don't doubt it. No bus stops near Brad's.

You spent the night, the alarm didn't work-- or maybe it did.

I didn't sleep with him. Girl, either there's something--

I missed the bus!

There's something either very wrong with you or something very wrong with him.

There's nothing wrong with him. Please tell me you know that for a fact.

Melanie, I gotta go. You're lying, aren't you?

I wouldn't lie to you. Good morning, guys!

Good morning, Miss Rebecca!

Everybody's in their seats? Yes.

Okay. Sydney, why don't you tell us what you did this weekend?

She look--

Come on, Sydney. We know you're not shy.

How come we always have to tell you what we did, and you never tell us what you did?

Okay.

I had a really great weekend.

- But you can't tell Miss Melanie, okay? - What did you do?

I made a new friend.

It's so much fun to make new friends, isn't it?

Yeah. Yeah.

Did you tell your mom and dad about your new friend?

Absolutely.

You should never keep anything from your parents.

And I told mine--

Wha--

Ca-- Ba--

Ha-- Ba-- Cra--

C-- A-- L--

H-- E-- "The!"

We know that word. "The."

Twenty-nine-year old female. First seizure one month ago.

Lost the ability to speak. Babbled like a baby.

Progressive deterioration of mental status.

You see that? They all assume I'm a patient because of this cane.

So put on a white coat like the rest of us. I don't want them to think I'm a doctor.

You see where the administration might have a problem with that attitude?

People don't want a sick doctor.

That's fair enough. I don't like healthy patients.

The 29-year old female-- The one who can't talk? I like that part.

She's my cousin.

And your cousin doesn't like the diagnosis.

I wouldn't either.

Brain tumor. She's going to die. Boring.

No wonder you're such a renowned diagnostician.

You don't need to actually know anything to figure out what's wrong.

You're the oncologist. I'm just a lowly infectious disease guy.

Yes. Just a simple country doctor.

Brain tumors at her age are highly unlikely.

She's 29. Whatever she's got is highly unlikely.

The protein markers for the three most prevalent brain cancers came up negative.

That's an H.M.O. lab. Might as well have sent it to a high school kid with a chemistry set.

No family history.

I thought your uncle died of cancer.

Other side. No environmental factors. That you know of.

And she's not responding to radiation treatment.

None of which is even close to dispositive.

All it does is raise one question: Your cousin goes to an H.M.O.?

Come on. Why leave all the fun for the coroner?

What's the point of putting together a team if you're not gonna use them?

You've got three overqualified doctors working for you, getting bored.

It's a lesion.

And the big green thing in the middle of the bigger blue thing on a map...

is an island.

I was hoping for something a bit more creative.

Shouldn't we be speaking to the patient before we start diagnosing?

- Is she a doctor? - No, but--

- Everybody lies. - Dr. House doesn't like dealing with patients.

Isn't treating patients why we became doctors?

No. Treating illnesses is why we became doctors.

Treating patients is what makes most doctors miserable.

So you're trying to eliminate the humanity from the practice of medicine?

If we don't talk to them, they can't lie to us, and we can't lie to them.

Humanity's overrated.

- I don't think it's a tumor. - First year medical school-- if you hear hoof beats, you think horses, not zebras.

Are you in first year medical school?

No. First of all, there's nothing on the CAT scan.

Second of all, if this is a horse,

then her kindly family doctor in Trenton makes the obvious diagnosis, and it never gets near this office.

Differential diagnosis, people.

If it's not a tumor, what are the suspects? Why couldn't she talk?

Aneurysm, stroke or some other ischemic syndrome.

- Get her a contrast M.R.I. - Creutzfeldt-Jakob disease?

- Mad cow? - Mad zebra.

Wernicke's encephalopathy.

No. Blood thiamine level was normal.

The lab in Trenton could have screwed up the blood tests.

I assume it's a corollary if "people lie" that "people screw up".

Redraw the blood tests and get her scheduled for that contrast M.R.I. ASAP.

Let's find out what kind of zebra we're treating here.

Radiology, please call the page.

Radiology, please call the page.

I was expecting you in my office 20 minutes ago.

Really? Well, that's odd because I had no intention of being in your office 20 minutes ago.

You think we have nothing to talk about? No. I just can't think of anything I'd be interested in.

I sign your paychecks. I have tenure.

Are you gonna grab my cane now, stop me from leaving? That would be juvenile.

I can still fire you if you're not doing your job. I'm here from 9:00 to 5:00.

Your billings are practically nonexistent. Rough year.

You ignore requests for consults. I call back. Sometimes I misdial.

You're six years behind on your obligations to the clinic.

See? I was right. This doesn't interest me.

Six years times three weeks-- you owe me better than four months.

It's 5:00. I'm going home.

To what?

Nice.

Look, Dr. House, the only reason why I don't fire you...

is because your reputation is still worth something to this hospital.

Excellent. We have a point of agreement-- you're not gonna fire me.

Your reputation won't last if you don't do your job.

The clinic is part of your job. I want you to do your job.

But, as the philosopher Jagger once said, "You can't always get what you want".

You're not my doctor. Are you Dr. House?

Thankfully, no. I'm Dr. Chase.

Dr. House is the head of diagnostic medicine.

He's very busy, but he has taken a keen interest in your case.

We inject gadolinium into a vein.

It distributes itself throughout your brain and acts as a contrast material for the magnetic resonance imager.

Basically, whatever's in your head lights up like a Christmas tree.

- It might make you feel a little light-headed. - Dr. Cameron.

I'm sorry. I have to stop you. There is a problem.

You pulled my authorization!

Yes. Why are you yelling?

No M.R.I.'s, no imaging studies, no labs.

You also can't make long distance phone calls.

- If you're going to fire me, have the guts to face me. - Or photocopies. You're still yelling.

I'm angry! You're risking a patient's life.

- I assume those are two separate points. - You showed me disrespect.

You embarrassed me. And as long as I work here, you have no legal--

Is the yelling designed to scare me?

Because I'm not sure what it is I'm supposed to be scared of. More yelling?

That's not scary.

That you're going to hurt me? That's scary. But I'm pretty sure I can outrun you.

Oh, I looked into that philosopher you quoted-- Jagger.

And you're right, you can't always get what you want.

But as it turns out, "If you try sometimes, you get what you need".

So, because you want me to treat patients,

you're not letting me treat patients?

I need you to do your job.

Do the M.R.I. She folded.

I've got to do four hours a week in this clinic until I make up the time I've missed.

2054. I'll be caught up in 2054.

You better love this cousin a whole lot.

All right, Rebecca, I know you may feel a little claustrophobic in there,

but we need you to remain still.

Okay, we're going to begin.

I don't feel so good.

It's all right. Just try to relax.

Rebecca?

Rebecca?

Rebecca?

Get her out of there. Oh, she probably fell asleep.

She's exhausted. She was claustrophobic 30 seconds ago.

- She's not sleeping. We gotta get her out of there. - It'll just be another minute.

If she's having an allergic reaction to the gadolinium, she'll be dead in two minutes.

Hold her neck. All right.

Oh, she's ashen.

She's not breathing. Epi, .5.

Come on.

I can't ventilate.

- Too much edema. Where's the surgical airway kit? - Yep. Coming.

Good call.

We'll get that tube out of your throat later today.

Just get some rest for now, okay?

Told you. You can't trust people.

She probably knew she was allergic to gadolinium.

Figured it was an easy way to get someone to cut a hole in her throat.

Can't get a picture. Gonna have to get a thousand words.

You actually want me to talk to the patient, get a history?

We need to know if there's some genetic or environmental cause that's triggering an inflammatory response.

I thought everybody lied.

Truth begins in lies.

Think about it.

That doesn't mean anything, does it?

12:52 p.m. Dr. House checks in. Please write that down.

Do you have cable TV here somewhere?

General Hospital starts in eight minutes.

No TV, but we've got patients.

Can't you give out the aspirin yourself? I'll do paperwork.

I made sure your first case was an interesting one. Cough just won't go away?

Runny nose looks a funny color? Patient admitted complaining of back spasms.

Oh? I think I read about something like that in the New England Journal of Medicine. Patient is orange.

The color? No, the fruit.

You mean yellow. It's jaundice. I mean orange.

Well, how orange? It's probably-- Exam room one.

Dr. Kahn, you're needed in pediatrics.

I was playing golf and my cleats got stuck. It hurt a little, but I kept playing.

The next morning, I could barely stand up.

Well, you're smiling, so I take it that means this isn't serious.

What's that? What are you doing?

Painkillers.

Oh, for you. For your leg. No, 'cause they're yummy.

You want one? Make your back feel better.

Unfortunately, you have a deeper problem.

Your wife is having an affair.

- What? - You're orange, you moron.

It's one thing for you not to notice,

but if your wife hasn't picked up on the fact that her husband has changed colors, she's just not paying attention.

By the way, do you consume just a ridiculous amount of carrots and megadose vitamins?