The Simpsons

The Simpsons

D'oh!

BART ". Woo-how.!

St. Patrick's Day. I love how they made the river green.

Actually, my nuclear plant did that. And now that you know,

your life is in danger.

Greetings, fellow lrishmen and lady lrishmen.

I, Joseph Fitzgerald O'Malley Fitzpatrick O'Donnell

"The Edge" Quimby, welcome you to Springfield's

first booze-free St. Patrick's Day!

Come on, people.

Your drunken shenanigans destroy this town every year.

And Ireland is so much more than the imbibing of spirits.

The Irish gave the world the paddy wagon,

the shamrock shake, and folk dancing where you don't move your arms.

Where's the IRA when you need 'em.

We renounced the ways of the gun and the bomb.

In the old days we would've been all over that.

(BAND PLAYING HEROIC INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)

Oh, no. The Northern Irish are also having a parade.

Two kinds of Irish people? What are they fighting over?

Who gets to sleep in the bathtub?

Actually, those Prots and Cathies have hated each other for centuries.

It always comes down to transubstantiation

versus consubstantiation.

(BOTH SPEAKING IRISH-ACCENTED GIBBERISH)

Stop it, both of you! You have a common land, a literature,

and the sweetest songs on earth!

Too-ra-loo-ra-loo-ral

Too-ra-loo-ra-li

Hush, my little baby

Hush now, don't you cry

Too-ra-loo-ra-loo-ral

Too-ra-loo-ra-li

Too-ra-loo-ra-loo-ral

That's an Irish lullaby

Oh, no! Without the booze,

these guys all remember how much they hate each other!

This was such a pleasant St. Patrick's Day until the Irish people showed up.

Urchins!

They took my cupcakes!

All right, you unwanted miracles, give back the lady's cupcakes.

You don't have the teeth for it.

Aye, but we could gum the frosting.

Well, if it's good gumming you're after,

wouldn't you rather have this lovely cabbage?

Cabbage,cabbage!

Here you go, ma'am. Not a sprinkle nor jimmy askew.

Thank you so much, Mr...

Patrick Farrelly at your service.

Marge Simpson. Well, Mr. Farrelly,

the least I could do is offer you a cupcake.

Mmm.

Light, moist, and such a marvelous shape retention.

Marge, I own a small bakery. Will you bake for me?

Me? A professional baker's employee?

Imagine how different my life would be.

Here we are at school, kids.

Hey, what are those boxes in the back?

Cakes! See ya.

I'll do it! Bless your heart.

You won't regret it. I already don't.

Homer! I've got great news!

I'll use my one phone call to find out all about it!

Mulk request change of venue.

Green monster cannot get fair trial in downtown Springfield.

Granted.

Homer Simpson? You're a repeat offender.

Three-peat.

Bail is set at $25,000.

I make that in a year.

I suggest you see a bail bondsman.

Okay, Simpson. All of your information checks out.

I called your boss to verify your employment,

and he says you're fired for getting arrested.

You'd be amazed how often that happens.

Oh!

We'll put up your bail money.

Just pay us 10 percent and show up for your court date.

And if I don't show up?

Then you gotta deal with me. The name's Wolf, and I'm a bounty hunter.

If someone skips bail, I track 'em down and bring 'em back.

I also take a tooth, make a plastic cast, put it on this necklace,

then replace the tooth at my expense.

Well, time to go back to my world of sleazy bars,

tattoo parlors, and greasy spoons.

What a great job. And I could use a job right now.

Whoa!

Not just anyone can be a bounty hunter. You have to pass an online exam.

No, wait. They got rid of that. There is a ten-dollar filing fee.

But you can get around it.

Congratulations. You're now a bounty hunter.

Mmm.

Okay. I've set my trap.

Now to scatter my cheese cubes and the rats will come.

Condos! Affordable condos! Bail jumpers welcome!

"Bail jumpers welcome." That's refreshing,

after the cold shoulder we got at the Town Homes at Sterling Point.

Let's not get too excited till we find out if it's in a good school district.

Well, so wait. Are we telling people now?

Stop! In the name of a private citizen with no connection to the law!

Now are you gonna come quietly, or do I have to...

Now let's think about this.

If you shoot me, I won't be able to stop you

and you'll be free to go. But someone may come after you.

Probably not, given your reputation for shooting people who come after you.

What I'm trying to say is, not shooting me now

would be the biggest mistake of your life.

Huh?

Bullet-proof glass.

Flanders?

Yep. I'm just replacing the front window of my store,

which was broken in the riot.

Young man, what would your mother say

if she knew you were shooting nice people in the brain?

She'd say that year off from Princeton was the worst decision I ever made.

Well, son, if you take responsibility for your actions,

this could be the start of a better life for you.

Maybe you're right. Maybe I should just...

This case is in the bag!

Homer, you could've killed him!

I sure could've. Thanks to you.

Now I can clearly see potential customers walk right past my store.

Enjoy your shopping elsewhere.

Hey, Ned. I brought you something.

What the... It's your share of the money

for bringing in that bail jumper.

Ned, I never thought I'd say this, but we make a great team.

Us? A team? As the salad said to the soup, I'm all mixed up.

We should be bounty hunters together.

You're kind and smart. I'm cruel and strong.

Together, we're nothing.

But together, we're the perfect bounty hunter.

Well, I could use money. But you have to promise me something, Homer.

Sure. What is it? We have to do everything by the book.

And you have to promise no "diddilies" or "doodlies."

My friend, you have a dealaroonie!

Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm.

Marge, your talent with cakes is a rare and precious thing.

Well, thanks. But I've been wondering.

Why do you only have me make spheres, rods, and half-moon shapes?

Well, Marge, I'll tell you,

right after I talk to these customers.

We're going to a bachelorette party for a really naughty girl.

Yeah. We need something tasty and tasteless.

I've got just the thing, courtesy of my newest baker.

Freshly frosted ass cake.

Oh, my God. This is an erotic bakery!

Mmm.

Delicious.

Now what do you have in the way of a suggestive cannoli?

We have quite a selection.

Yes! Oh, boy. I'll leave you with the book.

How could you not tell me this is an erotic bakery?

Marge, calm down. For as long as there's been baking,

there's been erotic baking. It fills a need and harms no one.

Harms no one? Explain that to...

Well, what about... I think you forgot about...

My number-one customers are married couples, your friends and neighbors.

I just made a custom order for the Hibberts.

It's an exact replica of the good doctor's...

I don't want to know! It's not what you think it is.

Good.

It's his penis! That's exactly what I was thinking!

Marge, this is a valuable public service.

Without your baking, people like me will be forced into back alleys,

repurposing Ho Hos and Ding Dongs.

You have a great gift. Don't let it go to waste.

Well, okay.

This Taser is awesome! Finally, a practical use for electricity.

Dear Lord, thank you for creating so many evil criminals for us to bring in.

And also, thank you for my partner Homer, who...

Did you just Taser my coffee?

Just warming it up. Now to melt the cheese in this croissant.

And get rid of a little excess earwax.