The Simpsons

D'oh!

Ah, ah, ooh, ooh...

Ah, ah, ooh, ooh. Hmm!

Here's the mail, Dad. That'll be three dollars for on-couch delivery.

And three makes three.

This isn't real money. It's printed by the Montana Militia.

It'll be real soon enough.

Ooh, my first issue of Self-test Monthly .

Finally I get to find out what makes me tick.

-I'm betting it's hunger and rage. -Yeah, but in what ratio?

"Are you a good driver?" Hmm. Yes.

"Are you a good lover?"

Yes. Oh, I'm doing great.

Dad, those are just the names of the quizzes.

You're supposed to open the magazine.

My way is easier.

Why don't you be the quiz master

and ask other people the questions?

Ooh... Quiz master, yes. That would entertain me briefly.

OK, Flanders, your love quiz score is... 61.

That makes you a "Frigid Frieda."

I took off 30 points for all that crying you did.

Well, it was a little insensitive giving me a sex test

seeing that my wife just passed away.

-No way! When? -Six months ago.

You were at the funeral. You fell into the grave.

Oh, yeah.

I saw a gopher. What a day.

-(crow caws) -OK... last question.

"Who is your favorite Backstreet Boy?"

Oh, the little rat-faced one.

No, no, no. Nick.

He's so good to his mother.

According to this, you're both idiots.

Hey, thanks. What do we owe you?

OK, "There's black widow at your door,

a rattlesnake at the window and a scorpion on the phone.

Do you... A, none of the below, B..."

Homie, for God's sakes, it's 02:00 a.m.

Fine. I'll take the next quiz.

"How long will you live?"

"In an average week, how many braised ribs do you eat?"

Marge, do you think that counts honey-braised?

I don't know!

I'm trying to sleep!

OK... "non-smoker... add eight years."

Hmm.

So according to this, I'll live to be...

Forty-two? Oh, that's horrible!

I won't even live to see my children die.

Now what's wrong?

I've only got three more years to live.

Maybe you added it wrong. Let me have it.

See? And these quizzes are never wrong, Marge.

They're put together by the finest scientists

in the magazine business.

Oh... Honey, don't panic.

If you just made a few lifestyle changes...

No! (sobbing)

Can't sleep. Gonna die.

Can't sleep. Gonna die.

We're back with legendary producer, Robert Evans.

Now before you did The Godfather there was Love Story .

-Tell us about that. -Ah, Love Story...

The little picture that could.

Was Paramount chomping at the bit to make it?

You better believe they weren't.

But once that tear-jerker hit John Q. Popcorn,

it was boffo, boo-hoo box office all the way. (chuckles)

And the critics loved it, too.

I remember Vincent Canby said...

"I'm going to kill you, Homer."

-You are so dead. -(shrieks)

Now, Chinatown was a classic.

But you had problems with the sequel The Two Jakes?

Oh, boy, disappointed?

I had the blues like Chasen's had chili. I said to myself...

"Evans, you forgot Hollywood rule number one...

-Kill Homer Simpson." -(shrieks)

Hey, what's all the screaming?

Some of us have grammar school in the morning, you know.

Maybe you should see a doctor, Homie. A head doctor.

I'm not crazy. It's the TV that's crazy!

Aren't you, TV?

The crisis? Charlie Bludorn's birthday.

The solution? A snappy banner.

Out comes the phone, in flies Bobby Towne

and six drafts later, I had myself a party.

You see? Gibberish. All gibberish.

So tell me, are all you government inspectors

so handsome and strapping?

Well, we've got a solo flex down at HQ.

Anyway, everything looks great, Mr. Burns.

I can't find a single violation or employee acting strangely.

You got to hide me! Death is after me!

And I don't entirely trust these cowboys.

Is this man an employee?

Oh, of course not. He's just...

a harmless maniac here to remind us of the precious gift of sanity.

Oh, God, what's he doing?

That's it, that's it. A mother can't die.

And I'm a mother, see?

-You hate your father, don't you? -Sometimes.

But the guy I really hate is your father.

I shouldn't have brought that up. I was just venting.

Any-hoo, I think your fear of death is causing your insomnia

which is provoking your erratic behavior.

Why isn't my baby gaining weight?

-Because it's made of plastic. -I see.

What you need is a good, long rest.

-I suggest Florida. -Florida?

But that's America's wang.

They prefer "The sunshine state."

Mom, Bart's sitting next to me.

-Mom, Lisa's growing. -Quiet, you two.

You know your father's had a breakdown.

My pockets hurt.

OK, honey, we're almost to Palm Corners.

There'll be nothing to do but lie on the beach and relax.

Spring break, spring break, spring break...

Oh, no. We came during spring break.

Take them off the glass!

Take them off the glass!

This looks like a terrible place to relax.

We're going to get you to a... (gasps)

-(Homer Laughing) -(cheering)

Party! Woo-hoo!

This is terrible.

The whole point of coming down here

was for you to get some rest.

-Show us your boobs! -Not now.

Well... (yawns) enjoy your sightseeing.

I promise I won't leave this bed.

I trust you, honey.

Sweet dreams.

Uh... could you just shut off the--

Party! Party! Party!

Party! Party!

Party?

Now, this is living.

Whoo! Sepulveda here doing a veejay thing

for the most out-of-control spring break ever!

And since it's my birthday, we'll party extra hard.

No. Not yet. I'm only 25.

What up, chew toys? Cienega here...

tightening the hose clamps for you bad girls.

We got Kid Rock coming up for all you mosh monkeys.

Woo! I like music!

Yo, yo, straight out of Detroit, y'all.

It's the J-O-E to the C.

Let's rock the party with Kid Rock.

Oh, no. It's a lost child.

Don't worry, folks... I'll tackle him.

Yo, Rock, tell spring break what your name is.

My name is Ki...

Kid Rock!

And if you look to your left,

you'll see another endless stretch of stagnant water.

Oh, well, look who turned out to greet us, folks.

It's our town's most famous resident, Captain Jack.

Look at the size of that gator.

-Is he a man-eater? -Only convicts and hobos.

Do you have any hobo chunks we could throw to him?

Afraid not.

Now, years ago, Captain Jack helped build Palm Corners

by dragging sticks and stones from the swamps.

Legend has it, he designed the town flag.

Say hello, Captain Jack.

Aww...

Ah. He can crawl up through my toilet any day.

Thank you!

It's the pimp of the nation

Kid Rock tearin' it up at spring break, y'all.

Now, what we'd like to do next is bring it down for a minute.

Bring on the rappin' granny!

What?

What? She's hilarious.

You know, a lot of my homies didn't make it to the party

and we're gonna give props to the fallen by pourin' a 40 on the curb.