How I Met Your Mother

So Kids, there are many buildings in New York City.

Thousands of apartments,

millions of stories.

And even though it's been decades and someone else lives there now,

there's one apartment in particular that will always be our apartment.

I have so many great memories of that place.

Marshall playing video games.

Lily painting on the fire escape.

Hey!

Sorry, Mr. Matson.

And me making the coffee.

I had this coffee pot-- it was probably 50 years old at the time,

and it made truly terrible coffee.

We called it Shocky.

Plugging in.

Saving game.

I loved every last detail of that place,

right down to the incredibly tacky swords we hung on the wall.

I never wanted any of it to change.

But that's not how life works.

You guys will never believe what just happened to us.

I don't even believe it myself.

We were in Queens, and we decided to stop by my apartment.

Wait, her apartment?

I thought Aunt Lily lived with you and Uncle Marshall.

I could see how you would think that, but I have to have my own place.

It's an independence thing.

When was the last time you were there?

Three months ago.

What?

It's like fat pants.

You hope you never have to use them, but you're glad to know they're there.

What the hell?

What?

This is my apartment.

Where?

Right here.

What the hell?

Lily, this is a Chinese restaurant.

No, no, this was my apartment.

My dresser was right...

That's my dresser!

And this is my closet.

And I spilled nail polish there. There's the stain.

Hi. How many?

Lily.

Yes. You know me?

Yeah. From your homecoming picture.

You're much prettier in person.

Yeah, I know, the bangs were a mistake.

Where's my stuff?!

Oh, it's all in the back.

We could wrap it up for you.

You want it to go?

This is my apartment.

Not anymore.

No way. You're making this up.

Yeah, the building would have had to give you some kind of notice.

They sent you a notice about this.

When?

Three months ago.

And here's your mail.

Minus magazines.

Well, still legally, they can't just toss you out on the street.

You have a lease.

Okay, so I didn't have a written lease as such,

but go ask my landlady, Mrs. Conroy.

She may be 98 years old, but she's still...

She's dead, isn't she?

Never even saw the bus.

My apartment is a Chinese restaurant.

What am I going to do?

Come live with us.

Really?

Of course.

You sure about this, Ted?

Yeah. I mean, you basically live here anyway.

It's not like it'll change anything.

No, it's like it will change everything.

Oh, Ted, you are so screwed.

What are you talking about?

And why is that girl checking you out?

Because I look good.

Now, focus.

You and Marshall are roommates.

You have an amazing apartment.

Marshall and Lily just got engaged.

Yeah, so?

So, you're not still going to be his roommate when he gets married, are you?

Someone's going to move out. So who's it going to be?

Come on, Barney, I'm sure they've talked about who gets the apartment.

You've talked about who gets the apartment, right?

Yeah, we've talked about it.

So when Lily and I get married, who's going to get the apartment?

Oh, that's a tough one.

You know who I think could handle a problem like that?

Who?

Future Ted and Future Marshall.

Totally.

Let's let those guys handle it.

Damn it, Past Ted.

You blew it, dude.

Now that Lily's there, it's a whole new dynamic.

They're edging you out.

That's crazy. They're not edging me out.

Marshall's my best friend.

One of my best friends.

He wouldn't do that to me.

Just keep your eyes open, that's all I'm saying, Teddy.

Little things are going to be changing around that apartment.

Come on, Barney, you're just being paranoid.

Okay, seriously, what is this girl's deal?

I'm sort of on a date with her.

What?

Yeah, yeah.

I found her online.

I'm tired of the whole bar scene, the one-night hookups.

I'm looking for a soul mate.

Someone who I can love and cuddle.

Or so it says in my profile.

But this girl...

she wants the same stuff. And it's... it's bumming me out.

All right, Ted, call me from the hospital.

All right.

You're going to the hospital?

No. See, he's going to go back over there, and I'm going to call him.

He's going to pretend it's an emergency call from a family member at the hospital.

Oh, Lord, fake emergency?

That is the lamest, most pathetic cop-out in the book.

I expect more from you, Barney.

Well, stay tuned. I'm working on some stuff.

But in the meantime, wish me luck.

So, are you going to talk to Marshall?

He's going to want the apartment, I'm going to want the apartment.

It's going to lead to an argument. So, no.

Hmm, that's real healthy.

So when a serious issue comes up, your response is just to avoid it?

I should really make this call.

Ooh, can I do it?

Excuse me.

Hello.

Hi, there... sexy.

Hello, Aunt Cathy. What's up?

Oh, nothing.

Just sitting here thinking about you, hot stuff.

An accident?

Well, is Uncle Rudy going to be okay?

Aunt Cathy's got an itch that only you can scratch, big boy.

Oh, God!

Why did he think he could build his own helicopter?

Oh, come on, Daddy, break me off a piece of that white chocolate.

Well, if he needs a transplant, he can have mine.

I'll be right there.

You know... I...

See you guys later.

Put it on my check.

Ah, this will be nice.

The three of us living together.

I think it's a good setup.

Man, this coffee's great.

It's really great.

Too great.

What happened to Shocky?

What's this?

My coffeemaker from my apartment.

It makes great coffee, right?

Yeah, definitely.

I mean, so does Shocky.

Really?

I always thought Shocky's coffee tasted kind of rusty.

Yeah, no, it did.

I mean, I kind of liked the rusty taste.

I'm used to it, I don't know.

Also, Lily's coffeemaker doesn't, you know, shock people.

No, it's just... you got to admit that shock, that... wakes you up in the morning.

You know what else wakes you up in the morning?

Coffee.

That's great. You're right.

Roomies.

I love it.

They're edging me out. They're totally edging me out.

I didn't believe it, but you're right.

Told you. That Lily-- she's a shrewd one.

Yeah, she got you a nice new coffeemaker-- how dare she.

It's not just the coffeemaker.

Done.

The painting's done.

- That is great. - Nice.

Where do you want to hang it?

I don't know.

Uh... Over the piano?

Yeah, that would be a good place for it.

Too bad the swords are there. We kind of love those swords.

Well, those swords have been up there a long time.

I know, right? I'd really miss them, too.

So, maybe Marshall's room.

Okay.

He was going to take the swords down.

Can you believe that?

Ted, why don't you just talk to him. He's your best friend.