How I Met Your Mother

Kids, Barney and Robin's wedding turned out

to be a life-changing weekend for all of us.

Well, not just us.

One ticket to Farhampton, please.

But I'll get to that.

Who are you honking at? You.

You're going 40 in a 65.

Pick it up, Grandma!

Look, I'm happy to rock it up into the 50s,

but I'm gonna need a hand... or two.

Oh, no. Not the driving gloves.

In 99.9% of highway accidents,

the driver was not wearing gloves.

Because they're stupid.

They don't help you drive better.

That's why no one wears them.

Then why is it called... the glove compartment?

I am not having this argument again.

Now, as you know, a Mosby road trip is not only safe,

but informative.

Chiggedy-check it.

Manhattan to Farhampton:

Lil' and Ted's Excellent Adventure?

That baby's stuffed to the rings with fun facts

about our unsung neighbor to the east... Long Island.

For instance, just up ahead, the historic

childhood home of Florian van Otterloop,

the Dutch bucklesmith

who revolutionized the belt industry.

Uh, fun story about that color-blind genius.

When he... Please stop!

Well, I was just gonna slow down for pictures,

but that level of enthusiasm can't go unrewarded.

Hmm.

Oh, look at my little cousins

in their flower girl dresses.

Aw, they'll look so cute next to the ring bear.

Yeah.

Wait, you said ring bear-er, right?

Ring bear.

Ring bear-er.

Ring bear.

Are you planning some crazy stunt

with a dangerous wild animal at our wedding?

Because...

Oh, oh, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.

Oh, boy.

My brother wants to know

what time he "goes on" at the reception.

What does that mean?

Every wedding he attends, James insists on... performing.

So? What do you got against K-Rodge?

Everybody loves The Gambler.

Wait for it.

That is nothing.

I have invited Scherbatskys from all over Canada,

and they are Canuckin' nuts.

Like my cousin Ruth from the Yukon.

I don't like to encourage Canadian stereotypes,

but that woman practically rides a moose.

Does she actually ride a moose?

Yeah.

And, uh,

I'm worried she'll bring it to the wedding.

She and the moose are... very close.

Whoa.

Every wedding's got a wild card, but we've invited a whole set.

Someone is gonna ruin this wedding.

It's just a question of... who.

I'm gonna ruin this wedding!

My wife is gonna kill me!

Flight attendants prepare for departure.

We were gonna move to Italy for her dream job,

so I brought my son here to Minnesota

to see my mom before we left.

And then I got offered a job as a judge

in New York City, which is my dream.

But that'll totally destroy her dream!

You are destroying a lot of dreams right now.

Wait.

If I got this...

Aren't you gonna check that?

No.

It-It's just another obnoxious update

from Marshall's mom.

She's been posting

these "cute" baby pics of Marvin,

but it's all just propaganda.

First, it was "Don't move to Italy."

Followed by an extremely subtle guilt trip.

And then, randomly preachy.

Nah, not looking.

It's just gonna piss me off.

Why are we exiting again?

Well, if you turn in your binder

to the section labeled "Mennonite Windmills..."

Get back on the expressway now.

The expressway's for glove less amateurs.

I'm done.

There's a train station coming up; Just drop me off.

Okay, but some newfangled train's not gonna stop

at the 40-foot-tall butter churn in Ronkonkoma!

Yes, but unlike any of your 18th-century stops,

at least the train will have a 21st-century toilet!

You're a 21st-century toilet!

Train now!

Fine!

Okay, so far, I've got 12 wild cards,

not counting the ring bear.

Ring bear-er.

Oh, oh, here's another one.

You know how I found out that I'm one-quarter Canadian

but I've completely blocked that out

because your nation's ridiculous and I'm awesome?

Sure.

Well, turns out, I have a crazy cousin Mitch

on that side of the family.

That's funny.

I have a crazy cousin Mitch, too.

But I guarantee he is crazier than yours.

He built his own house from timber he chopped down

from other people's houses.

That's funny.

My cousin Mitch is a lumberjack.

Except mine has six fingers.

On one hand or total?

Total.

Are truckers always beating him up?

Yes, because he has to...

Hitchhike with his middle finger.

Wait.

Is it possible that we're...

Could... c-could... could we be...?

Shh...

Ranjit, could you be a dear and pull over for a second?

Pulling over!

All right, train.

Let's show your critics you're not just a Dumpster on wheels

full of drunk idiots.

We're being held at this station

until further notice.

I got to sober up.

Eriksen residence, Judy speaking.

Why did you post that judge photo?

Because I'm guilty...

of being one proud mama!

Lily doesn't know that I took the job,

so if she sees it, I'm dead.

Just take it down, okay?

Fine.

Let me just get on the online

so I can Internet.

I love the lingo!

Look, Mom, just-just...

click on the photo on your wall,

and then under "menu," click on "options."

Some kind of advertisement popped on.

Oh, my.

That appears to be pornography.

Just click on "options."

: It's men with other men.

: Just click on "options"!

Excuse me!

Are there any other seats left on this plane?

No.

Hell, I've been going to Pilates.

I can just hang on to the landing gear like this.

Sorry, ma'am.

I only signed up for Pilates,

I haven't actually started going yet.

I didn't sign up.

No, I'm not looking.

I don't need to see my child used against me.

My sweet, beautiful child who I haven't seen in a week...

whose head smells like love and unicorn teardrops,

and why are trains so lonely?!

Damn it, I'm looking!

Hey, are you okay?

You look stressed.

Plus, you muttered

a few words out loud.

I heard "lonely" and "unicorn,"

which actually gave me a great idea

for a children's book, so thank you.

Are you okay?

No.

But there's nothing you can do.

Do you want a cookie?

: Yes.

Yes, I do.

Wow.

You just took a cookie

from a complete stranger on a train.

I like how trusting you are.

There could be drugs or poison in there.

But there's not, is there?