How I Met Your Mother

Kids, there's more than one story of how I met your mother.

You know the short version,

the thing with your mom's yellow umbrella.

But there's a bigger story.

The story of how I became who I had to become

before I could meet her.

And that story begins here.

Dary!

Legendary!

Dude, I am so excited that you're single again.

We are going to conquer New York City.

I already have a girl from work lined up for you.

Right boob bigger than the left boob,

which some choose to look at as bra half empty,

I choose to look at as bra half full.

I don't know.

Robin and I broke up two weeks ago.

I'm... I'm not ready.

When will you be ready?

It was a good question.

After a big relationship ends,

you need some time to recuperate.

Robin took a trip to Argentina,

and I went through my usual routine.

I grew my breakup beard.

Ted Mosby, suit up, 'cause here's the plan.

There's a Miss Nassau County pageant.

We'll pretend to be judges

and, yes, our votes are for sale.

I'm not ready.

I repainted the apartment.

Finish Line of a women's 10K.

Salty girls on an endorphin high

who just want to lie down.

Yeah. I'm not ready.

And the truth is, I was doing really good.

Female acrobats from Montreal. Hmm.

Super flexible. We are going to get Cirque de So-Laid.

: What up?

Barney, come on, we've covered this.

Robin!

Hey, guys.

I just got in last night.

Um, uh, this is Gael.

Hola.

Okay, I'm ready.

I just can't believe her.

We have this totally amicable split,

everything's cool.

And she comes back from vacation with that guy?

You know what she's doing?

She's trying to win the breakup.

What do you mean "win the breakup," old-timey inventor?

What our 21st president, Chester A. Arthur,

is trying to say is that

in every breakup there are winners and losers.

It's not a competition.

Now, your 80-day balloon race around the world,

that was a competition.

That's my wife.

Of course it's a competition, Lil.

How else do you explain... what's his name?

Gael.

I'm sorry, Gayle?

Gael.

Kyle?

Gael.

Girl?

It's pronounced "guy-Axel."

It means "joyful."

That is why I live my life by bringing joy,

good energy and happiness to others.

Especially those less fortunate that I.

I'm sorry, so it's Gayle?

What a jerk.

I don't go to your stupid country

and try to seduce women with my sexy accent.

That's a great point, Persian nightclub owner.

Oh, and he's a masseuse.

With a massage, everything is connected.

I can touch your foot, cleanse your kidney.

I can touch your earlobe,

and slow your heartbeat.

One time, I used warm water to make a guy pee.

Of course, I didn't make a career out of it.

Career?

Such an American idea.

My career is living. Windsurfing.

Making love.

Sometimes at the same time.

How?

How would one do that exactly?

Seriously, don't giggle. Tell me.

Not possible.

You cannot have sex on a windsurfing board.

How do you know? Glad you asked, Lily.

I have crafted a list of every vehicle...

land-based, aquatic and airborne...

in which/on which it's possible to have sex.

And of those 33 vehicles,

I have had sex in/on 31.

Windsurfing board, not on the list, not possible.

Oh, P.S., in order to hit 33, all I need is

bobsled and the Apollo 11 space capsule.

To get that last one, you'd have to break into the Smithsonian.

This conversation never happened.

All right, you're suited up, I'm bearded down.

Let's get out there and win this thing.

Yes!

You guys, have fun on your double date.

Oh, for the hundredth time, I'm sorry, there was a lull.

And then we fell asleep on the beach

while counting the stars.

Do you want to have dinner with me? Uh, us?

There was no lull.

You just think he's incredibly hot.

No, I don't!

Not incredibly.

It's a little hard to believe how hot he is.

But, I mean,

she's serious about him.

The girl never marries the hot guy.

Well, you did.

I'm one of the lucky few.

Lily, Ted is our best friend,

so let's get something straight:

Male Gayle is not hot.

He's not our friend. Don't even look at him.

Just... no eye contact.

So that night, as Lily and Marshall

did their best to hate Gael...

Hey, Robin. Gael.

Robin pulled me aside to check in.

Now, I'm sure she meant the best,

but she said the worst.

I just want to make sure you're okay with this.

"I just want to make sure you're okay with this"?

Damn it! I can't believe she's the one that gets to say that.

She's winning, isn't she?

: Not for long.

Okay, pep talk. Take a knee.

Ted, tonight we're going to get

you someone way hotter than Robin.

Okay, Robin's a ten.

Fine, we'll get you a 12.

Or, you know...

two sixes.

Failing that, four threes.

And break glass in case of emergency,

we'll go to Staten Island, I'll get you 12 ones.

Ted, my boy, I am going to re-teach you...

Amy. Ted.

Barney.

Ted, we are back!

Up here.

Up high.

Fivin' it up five-style!

I'm sorry this is all so weird.

Weird, why would it be weird?

Because you used to date our best friend

or because my wife thinks

your new boyfriend is incredibly hot?

I do not! Shut up!

Oh, my God!

I just hope Ted's okay.

Hmm.

I hate to see you so tense.

I mean, we had a really clean break up, you know?

We really acted like adults,

so the last thing... oh!

Gael, are you a properly licensed massage therapist?

What? Are you legally

certified by some type of governing entity?

I train for three years at an institute in Buenos Aires.

I have a card. I can show you.

Is the card laminated?

What do you mean "laminated"?

Covered in protective plastic.

Oh, yes. Damn it.

He checks out.

Ted. Ted.

Ted. Ted.

What?!

Let's bail, this place is dead.

Yeah, you're right.

We're both totally striking out.

Exactly, plus,

we're on a tight schedule. I've got this entire evening

perfectly planned out... spoiler alert:

our last stop is an after hours club

so after hours, it's three days from now.

What up.

Are you blind?

I'm making out with a 12. I am winning.

Yeah, but I didn't get to help.

So you're saying you want me to throw away

a super hot girl just because you didn't help me get her?

Apology accepted. Let's go.

Who's the suit?

This is Barney. Barney, Amy.