Catastrophe

.. could we get an update on what's shaking out over there?

.. 'It'd be great to get a clearer idea' of what you've been doing.

Up your game like the guy said.

Maybe buy a suit with normal length arms.

D'you think Clive Owen would wear that?

~ Fran thinks I'm having an affair. ~ What?

She wants to meet with you and sort it out.

This is... No!

~ I asked you to do one simple thing. ~ Fuck off!

~ Oh, telling me to fuck off? ~ Yeah, I'm telling you to fuck off!

That reminds me, we really should go ahead

and pull the trigger on the wedding.

Should I make an appointment at the registry office?

I don't know if I want to do it at a registry office.

~ Why not? ~ Well, because...

This is embarrassing but when I was 19 this Polish guy

who used to come into the restaurant I worked at,

he paid me to be a witness at his registry office wedding.

You were a witness whore?

Yeah, well, 50 quid!

Anyway he took us all to TGI Friday afterwards,

and he and the English girl he married,

they got beyond pissed and he fell over and broke his jaw on a urinal.

~ How the fuck...? ~ I don't know.

And since I was the least drunk person there,

I had to take him to hospital.

He freaked out and kicked a nurse in the stomach

and then he threw a wheelchair at a vending machine.

~ Wow! ~ Yeah. So, you know, I don't want our wedding to be like that.

No, me neither.

The last big wedding I went to was my sister's.

300 people.

That was the one I shat my pants at.

Oh, yeah. What did your sister think about that?

She didn't care for it. I mean, nobody did.

I think maybe after the fact, for anecdotal value,

people were glad it happened.

~ Yeah, of course. ~ But, you know, I wouldn't do it again.

Yeah, well, we don't have to have 300 people, you know,

just some family and friends and a few Scotch eggs?

~ Hmm. ~ What do you think?

You up for doing something more than a sad transaction

~ in a grey building? ~ Definitely.

Great. What would you think if I asked your mother?

Sure, go ahead. I mean, I will say,

if she wasn't my mother I definitely wouldn't invite her.

I mean, just cos she's not fun. Or nice.

Yeah, well, we don't have to have her on our table.

~ Shut up, you're so boring! ~ Don't storm off again! Come back!

Just because can't do the one thing I ask of you...!

I love watching young couples argue.

I can't keep my eyes off them.

I hope he hits her.

And then the cops taze him and he falls in the river.

Now you're talking.

If we ever sound like that

please get a gun from America and shoot us both.

~ We sound like that all the time. ~ Do we?

Yeah, but we've got real problems.

Hang on a second. I've been at Frye and Loeb for 11 years,

and you're going to fire me for making you a shitload of money

~ and opening a UK office? ~ We're not firing you. ~ I mean, we are,

unless you want to come back to Boston, where you have an office.

And clients.

Yeah, I get that my current setup isn't conventional but...

You're right, it's not conventional.

By the way, are you in a college dorm?

You know what? Fuck you, Mark!

Rob, look, come on.

And Tony, fuck you for being a nice guy

and working with this fucking asshole.

You know what, Mark? When I heard that Greg had a stroke,

my first thought, after being sad for his family,

was that I wish it had been you, you conniving cunt!

No, he can't talk to me like that.

And Tony? You'd better make sure that I get a nice severance package

or I'm going to come there and kick Mark's ass in front of

that receptionist that he sexually harasses for three hours every day!

And, Mark, you can...!

Is he done?

Hey. How was your day?

Shit. How was yours?

Good, it was good. Very good. Tea?

Yeah.

It's just tough at the moment because

I don't smile for the first two months of the school year.

I mean, you really can't, if they smell weakness, they just...

It's like putting chum in the water for sharks.

But it's hard because there's this new lad with thick glasses

and one big eyebrow, and I just really want to smile at him.

~ Can I have a Wagon Wheel? ~ Sure.

Hey, I was thinking how great it is that our kid is going to have

two cultures and two countries that he can spend time in.

Hmm, yeah.

I mean, especially when he's a baby.

~ I mean we'll be able to just bounce back and forth. ~ Mm.

You know, it might be worth thinking about

basing ourselves in Boston for a while.

I mean it's cheaper by probably about 500%!

Why are you saying this to me?

~ I was let go from my job today. ~ What?

It's fine. They only let me go cos it wasn't working out here.

I mean, they would have kept me for ever back there.

Not that I'd go back to that shit shop when they wouldn't give me

20 minutes to even plug in my fucking computer here, but I could

work anywhere in Boston, everyone in advertising knows me there.

~ I don't want to live in Boston. ~ Why not?

Because it's Boston.

I mean, once you graduate to a place like London

or New York, you don't regress to Boston.

What's even there?

And, you know, my family's here. My job, my friends.

Yeah, I had all that too.

And now I don't even have a job here anymore.

And do you think our baby would like to eat, for example?

Cos I'd like to be able to buy it food.

And I was issued a very specific work visa,

not a "sit around on a couch" visa.

Yeah, OK, it's terrifying.

But, you know, just take a minute.

Don't go making crazy decisions for us.

I will help you, and we'll sort it out,

but we have to sort it out here.

And, you know, I mean, just to be practical,

you can't fly when you're this pregnant.

Isn't that just the last trimester?

You can't fly to Boston at any point during your pregnancy.

Yes! Feel like a fucking god here!

Brits don't have bowling in their veins like we do.

It's like being Superman on Earth.

Hey, listen, I, ah, wound up parting ways with my company in the US.

I was wondering if you knew of any job leads?

Take that, the Queen.

Did you hear about that heart drug, Tevantrix,

that killed all those people a couple of months ago?

~ No. ~ Oh, good. Well, I'm on the board of the company that makes it

and they're putting together a kind of messaging taskforce,

you know, to teach the public that they do stuff

other than kill people.

~ Oh, Jesus. ~ No, they're good guys.

My pal, Harita, is the senior VP of marketing,

and I guarantee that she will see you if I tell her to.

So, what do you think, man, you want me to hit her up?

I guess, yeah. I need money and a visa, so, yes.

Well, all right.

Thank you.

I owe you one.

Have you ever heard of prostate massage?

I'm not massaging your prostate.

No, I don't want you to massage my prostate,

I want you to come with me to this place I know

where we can both get our prostates massaged.

I went there a couple of weeks ago and I'm telling you, man,

it is easily the best orgasm I've ever had.

And before you say anything, it's not gay.

All right, but that's like eighth on the list of

why I don't want to do it.

But they do put something up your butt, right?

Way up. And it kind of hurts.

Until they start massaging the old prostate.

Yeah, I'm not going to do that.

Oh, come on, man. Come on, spend some quality time with me.

My dad died a few weeks ago...

.. et cetera.

Your dad died "et cetera?"

Yeah, I don't really want to talk about it. Just...

.. come and get your butt fucked with me.

Help me heal.

~ 'Hello?' ~ Hello, is this Mia?

Yes, it is.

Mia, this is Sharon.

'Um.... From, from London?'

Rob's Sharon?

Oh. Yes, of course. How are you?

I'm OK, thank you. Um, nice to speak to you.

'I know we'll meet sooner or later,'

I just wanted to introduce myself

~ and also to invite you to our wedding. ~ Oh, my goodness.

Yeah, we're, we're going to get married properly

so if it's something that you wanted to attend,

then we'd be very happy to work round your dates and...?

You know, I really, I don't fly well,

~ and I-I can't leave my dogs. ~ Oh.

Would it make any difference

if I told you we're not just getting married because I'm pregnant.

We... we really like each other and, and also he needs a visa.

Whatever the reason, it's just such wonderful news.

I'm so glad that Rob has found someone after everything with Betsy.

Who's Betsy?

'Betsy. His ex?'

You know, after Betsy miscarried, it was very hard for both of them.

~ And me. ~ What?

He must have told you?

No! And I have to say I think that's very insensitive of you,

'I am currently pregnant after all.'

Well, I didn't mean...

'Oh, no, I think you did.'

Jesus, stick the knife in, phone call number one, why don't you?

~ Sorry? ~ You know what? I rescind my invitation.

'That means I take it back. You're not invited.'