Catastrophe

This programme contains strong language and adult humour.

Just gonna be a second.

Oh, come on. Sharon's gonna be back in half an hour and I need a piss. 10 secs inc

I can't get up. Have you wiped your arse? 19 secs inc

Agh!

Oh!

Oh! Why are you doing that noise?

Oh, thank Jesus Christ!

Oh, I dreamt I was drunk and I couldn't get off the toilet.

Are you sure it was a dream? Sounds more like a memory.

Er, what time is it?

It's 3:15. You should go back to sleep.

Fergal gets in at some stupid hour.

Jesus.

What?

I just don't know if I can deal with him right now.

And why are you having to plan his birthday party?

Plus, adults shouldn't HAVE birthday parties.

You sound like a supervillain.

Good night.

Can I play with your tits a little bit?

Do you mind if I go back to sleep? No.

Then go nuts.

Huh. What do you think?

Well, my concern with Maroon Thrive is that their set list includes

both Shaggy and Enya, which is impressive, but it's, like,

"Where's your passion?" It's grand for a bar mitzvah,

but for a milestone birthday... I say we keep looking.

I'm not asking what you think of them. I'm showing you who I booked.

They're not that bad, are they? No, they suck.

They'd be perfect for your party. Maybe we could get Mallandra

to play her castanets along with 'em, jazz 'em up a little bit.

Mallandra's not coming. Why isn't she? She didn't want to.

They threw a little ham party for me in Spain anyway.

By the way, no ham at this party. No. We can get pizzas delivered.

What do you think? 9:00 PM? It depends what time we cut the cake.

You know what? I would cut it after musical chairs

but before the pinata. Just because you're unhappy with your life

doesn't mean I can't celebrate mine.

What did Captain Piss Parade do for his 40th?

I can't remember what we... Weren't you in Toronto for your 40th?

No, I wasn't. I was supposed to be, but I changed the trip

to be here for my birthday. But it is funny how,

through the mists of time, you've latched onto the Toronto myth

to absolve yourself. It was probably so last-minute,

we didn't have time to organise anything.

I didn't need to go to the Ritz. We could've gone to fuckin' Five Guys.

I love Five Guys. Let's get Five Guys instead. Unbelievable!

Also we need to get some balloons. Maybe black balloons?

Black balloons? I'm not turning seven.

You know the sort of thing. Masculine balloons.

Fine. Who else are we asking?

Do you know Mum's coming over for your birthday?

Yeah, sure she is! What do you mean?

She's coming to see her new man.

What the fuck?!

And it's not even Fergal's fault.

It's the fact that Sharon not only tolerates him

but enjoys him that drives me insane.

Yeah. You said that at the meeting. And, you know,

this is the kind of time when I would've drank,

but I'm not gonna give him that power, you know?

It would be like giving a weasel a machine gun.

What's funny?

Your biggest problem right now is some asshole who lives in Spain.

I wish I could worry about stuff that small.

What would YOU like me to get upset about?

Take your pick! There is some bad shit coming down the line.

I mean, we are not far away from total societal collapse, my friend.

Did you know London's water supply could be compromised like that?

Man, you need to get off your basement computers.

This isn't paranoia! There are two points of entry -

Croydon and Hampstead. You hit both of those at the same time,

you can expect four million casualties in under an hour.

Four million? Aren't there, like, ten million people in London?

That's not THAT bad. Anyway,

picked up our New Zealand passports this morning,

so we got a game plan. What? How'd you get those?

Dark web.

I mean, it started out, I just wanted to see if I could.

I mean, they're not a hundred percent legal,

like in court, but for fathers who care about their families,

New Zealand really is the only way to go.

Want me to look into it for you?

The flight was lovely, and Stephen was waiting for me in arrivals

with a home-made panini.

I... I have a panini press.

Oh... Who are you?

I mean, how'd you meet -

Well, Stephen was on a shoot in Mullingar.

Stephen's a model, if that's not obvious.

You're a model? Well, technically.

It's all very new. I was an accountant for 40 years.

Stephen was scouted in Gatwick Airport

on his way back from Ayia Napa.

Wow! That's... I didn't know that... that...

that people even... I just thought young models grew into old models.

You know, after a while you stop doing swimsuit stuff

and you start advertising hot-water bottles.

No. I, er...

I do swimsuit work. Rob was nearly a model once.

I wasn't.He was. People say that I, um...

Hello! Oh, it's Fergal.

Hello, son!

Mwah!

This is Stephen. Stephen, this is my son, Fergal.

Hi. Come here, you!

Did you see the way she laughed at his jokes?

It was obscene. Who uses their tongue to laugh?

What WAS that? Do you think they're having sex?

I dunno. Maybe. She still has her original hips, right?

Oh, God! I don't know how I feel about that.

I mean, we barely have sex anymore, and that's fine,

but not if my mum's gonna be doing it more than me.

Maybe this is a wake-up call. Shall we start making more of an effort?

I don't know. I mean, here's how I feel about sex with you these days.

On paper, it sounds amazing.

But if you were to initiate it, like, tonight, I'd just be angry.

But I still have the fond feeling

when I look at you. Maybe that's enough.

Goddammit, it IS enough! 9 secs inc

Your mum's boyfriend's a feckin' ride. Good for her!

No, not good for her! My dad died six months ago. That's nothing.

There's stuff in my fridge that's more than six months old.

How's it going, Rob? Do you want a drink?

No, thanks. I have alcoholism. Even on your brother-in-law's birthday?

Yeah, even then! That's why AA would never work for me.

It's, like, "Be reasonable."

I told Anna to get here for 7:30. Is that OK?

I thought you and me could get there early, blow up the balloons.

I can help with balloons. In college I taught myself how to tie them off

with my tongue. Also, I've no gag reflex.

That's... unrelated.

You all right, Ciaran?

Are we meeting the other St Joseph lads in the pub?

No, no. I think it's just me. A lot of those lads don't like Fergal,

so they didn't really know why you invited them.

Why don't they like him? Oh, some fuckin' timeshare bollocks

in Montenegro that he roped them into,

that went tits-up the second their cheques cleared.

You look lovely, Fergal!

Do you have eyeliner on? No!

Just a bit of lip gloss.

Come on. Honey, I have sad news.

I have diarrhoea. And it's pretty bad,

so I don't think I can make the party. Sorry.

Bullshit. You've diarrhoea? I know when you've diarrhoea.

The house smells like a poultry farm and you're covered in sweat.

OK. I don't wanna come to Fergal's party.

What? You have to come! I don't have to come.

Look, just tell him I have diarrhoea, and it hurts,

and he won't care anyway. Yeah. He might not care,

but I'd really like you to be there. Come on. It'll be fun.

Honey, look - my idea of fun isn't pushing Fergal home in a wheelbarrow

cos you're too drunk to do it. OK, the Pope.

Well, you know what? The wheelbarrow thing sounds like brilliant fun,

so maybe we've got a bigger problem here.

But it's good to know that this is my future

as the wife of a dry drunk. You used to stand in the corner scowling

at parties. Now you won't be there at all!

Well, I hope you have some hand cream in your bag in case you have to jerk off any -

That's just a funny joke that we have.

Um, so, listen, er, looks like we won't need you tonight, Anna.

So, I'm sorry - What? Sorry if I cancelled plans,

and I was gonna use the money to buy my nephew Rocky a birthday present?

So what I'll do is, I'll just go read upstairs,

and, um, it's great that you're here.

Everybody!

Hey! You having fun? No.

Maybe it wouldn't feel so pathetic if you hadn't booked an actual barn

for my party. Was the O2 Arena not available?

I'm sorry. I expected more people. Oh, right! So it's my fault?

This is not an honest representation of me as a people person.

Do you wanna dance, Ciaran? Sure.

Let me drink... three more beers.

You're on!

This is considerably more depressing than your father's funeral.

Oh! Out

break

"An agonising wait for the sugar" - What?!

They don't have nearly enough time to do spun sugar.

What, do they think they're Rumpelstiltskins?

Why don't you go to the party?

I don't like my brother-in-law. Do you like Sharon?

Yes, I like Sharon. Just not enough to go to the party.

How does that work, then? What do you mean?

Well, you don't like fun. Sharon does.

"Don't like fun"! Ask Ricky Pratt if I like fun.

We went to karate camp together.

Yeah. We were animals! So it's...

I won't be late.

fucking Christ!