Catastrophe

- _ - Olivia's made a serious complaint against you.

She no longer feels comfortable working with you.

What?

The truth is your marriage wasn't a fucking funfair 100% of the time,

so you had to have yourself a little escape hatch pussy at the ready.

How's it going, lads?

Yeah, I was just saying, do you know who you look like?

Your PE teacher?

I was just partying if you want to come out.

You ever been up on the roof of this place? It's pretty cool.

You can see for like... 1000 miles.

Come on, let's go. I love a good roof.

As I look at you, all the reasons I fell in love with you have

come flying back so much that I think I might throw up.

I love you!

What happened last night? There's a huge chunk of it I can't remember.

You went off with your man.

- Can I help you? - I need Plan B.

Like a morning after pill.

_

What the fuck?

What?

- What? - Yeah, what?

Nothing.

Well, that didn't seem like nothing.

Well, sometimes things aren't always what they seem.

- OK, Alan Turing. - Who?

- Alan Turing. Jesus, Alan Turing... - Yeah, yeah, I know who he is.

He's the gay codes guy that the government murdered.

They didn't murder him, they castrated him.

And then he killed himself.

I hate this fucking country.

Frankie's sheets smell of pee. I forgot to change them.

This whole room smells like piss.

Yeah, but baby pee's still lovely really, isn't it?

It's not a baby, he's three. He eats steak.

It wasn't all, like, adult piss which is made of, like,

red wine and thrush.

What's wrong with your face? Are you farting? You look creepy.

Actually, I'm really concerned I might do something crazy if

you can't satisfactorily explain to meet what the fuck this is.

What?

Well, I don't know, what is it? Is that a receipt?

Yeah!

- It's a receipt, all right. - Well, can I see it?

You can have it.

I took a picture of it.

Oh, it's a... It's a receipt for the...

When we had sex, in Victoria Park.

I was ovulating and you did a very big load in me and I know I

was ovulating, cos I can always tell because

my tits were much bigger than normal.

You've probably noticed.

Well, they were. And I, I didn't want to get into a big debate about it,

because we'd only just got back together and, you know,

I don't want another baby, do you?

No way.

- What? - You're fucking kidding me with all this?

What are you trying to imply?

Because if you're implying what I think you're implying,

that's fucking nuts and rude.

Rude? What are you, a fucking Bront-ee sister?

Bront-ai. Bront-ai sister.

What do you think I'm implying, Sharon?

Uh... I don't actually even...

Because it's so... I can't even...

What, you think I slept

- with someone else or...? - Did you?

Don't be nuts. That's nuts.

Tha... Rob! Where are you going?

- Burger King. - Rob!

I don't know what I was thinking. That was crazy.

I worked it all out on a napkin at Burger King and I did do

a big load in you, that's true.

We didn't use protection, that's also true.

I just...

I thought it smelled like a lie.

I don't know how to say it any other way than that.

I'm sorry.

Well, you don't need to be sorry, I...

Look, what isn't crazy is that in the past,

when I've needed the morning after pill, it has been a discussion.

And why wasn't it a discussion this time? Sorry, I'm just, I'm trying to...

No, no, it's fine. It's because, honestly, I barely thought about it.

I mean, I'm thinking about it way more now than I did then,

because then I just sort of, you know, just did it.

I was in the pharmacy buying toothbrushes and shit and I

remembered the big load and, you know, I just got the pill.

I even forgot the toothbrushes.

You forgot the toothbrushes?

I just used a new toothbrush.

Yeah. I got those in the supermarket with the weekly shop!

Right.

- Where's the receipt for those? - What?

I don't save receipts for everything, do I? I'm not talking Bob Cratchit.

OK. Well...

You should be saving receipts!

You know, it's hard enough for me to do British taxes without you

not bothering to save receipts.

Well, I will now.

OK? Jesus.

Do you want to watch a Better Call Saul?

No, I just want to nestle into your bosom, cos I feel stupid.

Aw.

- Hello? - Hey, um...

Kate, look, I'm, I'm in a bit of trouble.

Fuck sake.

Well, what happened now?

Well, nothing, it's just that...

Shit.

Hey. Who were you on the phone to?

Harita. She wants to meet.

- That's good, isn't it? - I don't know. We'll see.

But it's lunch at Tanaka, so I don't care what she has to say. I'm going.

Well, just, you know, whatever you decide, it's your decision.

I just want you to be happy and Frankie can always get his

old job back at Nike.

You just want me to be happy? That's new.

No, it's not new!

Why wouldn't I want my husband to be happy?

And look, I was thinking, I could look into going back to work

again, you know, take a bit of the pressure off.

- Right. - Oh. Merry Christmas to me.

What's stopping you from coming back?

Mostly just the false sexual harassment charges.

They weren't charges, it was just a complaint, which Olivia withdrew.

- She was just having some fun with you. - Yeah, it was a lot of fun.

You should also know that she's just

accepted a position at the Brussels office,

so that's no longer a reason to not come back.

- What about Margaret? - Why, do you want to fuck her as well?

No, but she knows, so now I hate her too.

Who else knows?

Does Tina from R&D know?

Because she was unnecessarily vocal when I ate all those hot cross

buns that she brought in that her daughter baked one time.

I didn't know they were home-made. Because they were terrible.

Why did you eat them all if they were terrible?

That's not the point.

Margaret knows, OK? And that's it.

- And Tina. Tina knows too. - Oh, come on!

- Would you like another tea? - Yes, please.

- I'll have a Tom Collins. - What's in that?

Bartender'll know.

- Oh, is it like gin and lemon juice? - Yep.

Look, I don't know how long I'll need a jolly white American

man to sell my ideas, hopefully not forever, but right now I do.

So, why don't you take the rest of your leave of absence,

unpaid, I'm not a charity, and see how you feel in a few weeks?

I'll have to think about it.

I mean, you know I didn't do anything wrong, right?

- Doesn't matter to me. - It doesn't matter to you?

What you offer the company is more important to

me than whether or not you tried to fuck a very fuckable co-worker.

How are the kids?

Well, I've thought about your offer and I've decided that I would

rather stick these chopsticks up my asshole.

You're not jerking it under there, are you?

No.

OK. Just checking.

How'd it go with Harita? She offer you your job back?

Yep.

- You going to go back? - No. I'm going to find another one.

Why do you smell of cheese and onion crisps? I thought you had sushi.

- I was still hungry. - OK.

How long are you going to stay in bed for?

Just till tomorrow.

So, just the 17 hours.

Well, I've got to go out in a bit,

so you're going to have to get up and do the kids' supper and bad time.

- Where are you going? - Oh, just...

I'm going to a concert with Melissa.

It's a fundraiser for a kids' homeless charity refugee thing she volunteers for.

- I promised I'd go with her. - What kind of concert?

It's chamber music I think. It'll be shit.

Wow.

You're going to a chamber music concert with Melissa? Where?

On the South Bank I think. We're meeting at a bar before.

She's got the tickets.

Oh, and Frankie's watching Million Dollar Baby.

I sort of put it on by mistake and now

he's really enjoying it very quietly, so...

OK. Have fun at your concerto.

OK. Get up.

- Hey, why don't we give you a ride? - No, I'm grand.

- I'll just get the Tube. - No, it'll be fun. We'll give you a ride.

Don't be silly. I'll see you later.

- Two margaritas. - No, one margarita. And a Coke.

No way! It took two buses and a half a mile walk along the canal in

kitten heels to get here.

You're having a drink. Two margaritas.

Thanks for doing this.

Yeah, no problem. Nothing to stay home for.

Ian and I haven't shagged in weeks.

- Aw. - He's asked me to start paying rent.

I wouldn't mind, but the toilet on the boat is broken.

You can barely flash half a turd down at a time.

I'm thinking of moving back to Ireland. I miss my girls.

- Aw, well, that's great. I'm delighted. - Yeah.

I've followed my fanny for long enough!