How I Met Your Mother

Kids, on a warm March evening in 2010

a New York City police boat pulled a 34-year-old white male

out of the Hudson River: your Uncle Barney.

Let's hear the story. From the beginning.

It all started a week ago.

I was making time at the local watering hole.

Enter...

a dame.

Nothing sexier than a man in a fine cravat.

Except for a woman who appreciates a fine cravat.

How about we just call it a tie?

A cravat is a kind of tie.

- I get it. - Anyway,

next thing you know, I get her back to my place.

When I get in bed with a man,

my body becomes a machine fueled by desire, lust

and a singular hunger to satisfy

my lover's every carnal need.

Good thing the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow.

Well, good night.

What? Wait, what?

I thought your body was going to become a machine

fueled by desire, lust and a singular hunger

to satisfy my every carnal need.

I really think that Don and I are hitting our stride as a news team.

All credit goes to this lady on my left.

That story you did on which rodents to avoid on the subway...

The answer may surprise you.

It's all of them.

I got to run. I'll see you.

It's good to meet you.

That guy is awesome.

He's funny, he's smart, he's handsome.

Scoop him up before someone else does.

I hope you're not talking about you.

It has been four months since you broke up with Barney.

Maybe it's time to put yourself back out there.

Exactly. Barney's dating again, and he couldn't be happier.

I couldn't be more unhappy.

All night long, she's hot and heavy for me.

I get her back to my place, and she just bolts?

I mean, at least, when I run out on a girl,

I have the common courtesy to sleep with her first.

It's called manners.

She read that book

Of Course You're Still Single, Take a Look at Yourself, You Dumb Slut .

It's this book that helps single girls find a husband.

It's Robin's copy. I leafed through it a little bit.

Fine.

When you were with this girl,

did she subtly slip the word "sex" into conversation?

I'm in the inter-sex-tion,

and I only have a couple of sex before the light changes.

I mean, everyone's honking at me,

and it totally sex,

but I can't turn around

because a jogger slipped and fell in horse sex-crement.

Go on. Go on.

Did she make excuses to establish physical contact with you?

Is this cashmere?

Cashmere?

This is hand-spun virgin merino.

The fibers in this suit

are less than 12 microns thick.

12 microns.

I love a tiny fiber.

Well, you're in luck, because mine's the tiniest.

And the more you touch it,

the softer it gets.

She did that, too.

Here is the final test.

Next time you see her, ask her out for the following night.

The book says that's forbidden,

so she'll probably give you some lame excuse like this:

"I can't do anything tomorrow night.

"I've already made plans to clean my garbage disposal

"and treat myself to a bubble bath.

"But how about next week sometime?"

You're trying that Of Course You're Still Single,

Take a Look at Yourself, You Dumb Slut crap on me.

It's not crap.

It is a brillant book!

It scares away guys who are only interested in getting laid.

Why not just say you have a kid?

You'd be surprised how many jerks there are out there.

That's why the book says never sleep on the first date.

- Totally. - On the second.

- Of course. - Or on the third.

- Or on the fourth. - Just tell me how many dates!

17.

Excuse me, is anyone using this?

Here it is: no sex until after 17 dates.

If you're not going to take her out on 17 dates, you should just give it up.

She is gonna give it up, not me.

Because, thanks to Ted's book...

That's Robin's.

I can stay two steps ahead of her at all times.

There's a loophole in here somewhere and I'm going to find it.

Listen...

you wanna go out Saturday night?

- Saturday night... - Is he asking you out?

Say yes!

It's really sweet of you to ask,

and you're a great guy...

- I will go out with you. - Robin, are you okay?

I just had a little cold.

That's probably what you're hearing. But Saturday night sounds great.

We can even go to a steak house,

and you can bring home some prime rib for my friend.

Gotta go. Love you. Bye.

What the hell are you thinking?

You've got to do this, okay?

A great guy like Don is rare.

And speaking of rare,

prime rib! Don't forget. Thank you.

I don't believe it.

This is her!

She wrote the book.

Her name must be Anita.

My plan was to sleep with her, but this changes everything.

New plan:

I'm going to sleep with her.

Boy, this girl that Barney's going after,

she kind of sounds like the anti-Barney.

I love how the universe decided to bring those two together.

Actually, Anita's going after Barney because I told her to.

Wait, you sicced Anita on Barney?

- How do you even know her? - She was on my show.

But, um, if you had to summarize your book

in 30 words or less...

I'll summarize it in one word.

That word

is "no."

By saying no

constantly and consistently, you empower yourself

while simultaneously turning any jerk

into a submissive, sniveling, puddle of a man.

And isn't that every girl's dream?

After the break, we're going to talk about your new book,

Of Course You Don't Have a Retirement Plan Yet,

Take a Look at Yourself, You Dumb Slut, due out in June.

We'll be right back.

We're clear.

- You guys want any coffee? - You know what, that'd be great.

You?

What about you? You dating anyone?

Dating's not really my bag right now.

Somebody broke your heart?

And then, I told her everything. It just came pouring out.

And by the end of it...

This Barney needs to be taught a lesson.

You say the word, and I will destroy him.

- What do you mean? - I can use the power of "no"

to break your friend, Barney.

- Just say the word. - That stuff doesn't really work.

- Does it? - I didn't know what you wanted,

so I got you a cappuccino, an espresso, a latte, a decaf...

And this is a Turkish coffee.

- Think about it. - I didn't think I would think about it,

but... I thought about it.

This Pilates instructor was off the charts.

Picture Robin, but younger.

And bigger boobs.

Maybe not bigger, but more shapely.

And bigger.

I get her up against the StairMaster, and we...

- Do it. - Spoilers.

- Anyway, we do it. - It's done.

I know, it was stupid,

but you have to understand, back then, I was really upset about the breakup.

I was going though my mourning period.

There was a lot of scotch and a lot of long nights at the shooting range.

I hope those weren't the same nights.

It's not like I remember all of them.

Did you know that Robin was going through a mourning period?

- She seemed fine after the breakup. - You know how she is.

She keeps her emotions to herself.

But yeah, I caught her crying a couple times.

She cried?

Like, real tears?

But that means...

And then, Marshall realized what a jackass he had been to Robin.

Exactly. Barney's dating again, and he couldn't be happier.

I mean,

that guy has been active.