How I Met Your Mother

Kids, Barney's mom had this blouse

that she absolutely loved,

but then Robin won it in a poker game,

which led to some slight awkwardness.

You won the battle... but I'll win the war.

Game on, bitch.

Please, Mom, I need you to just be cool.

Okay, can you do that for me?

For you, yes.

And for Robin?

She's gonna be

your daughter in 33 hours.

Daughter in law.

Making it illegal

for you not to treat her like a daughter.

In-lawyered.

Please, Mom.

All Robin wants to do is put this whole thing behind her

so she can get married and put this whole thing behind her.

Ah! Get-this-over-with-quickly so-we-can

move-past-how-awkward-it-was that-I-just-said-that five!

Fine. If Robin's ready to bury the hatchet,

then I guess I'm ready to bury the hatchet.

Morning, bitches. Like my new blouse?

Oh, hell, no! No, Mom. Mom!

Hey, hey, hey, hey!

== Sync and Corrected by elderman == @elder_man

Kids, not far from the Farhampton Inn,

there's a lighthouse.

It's a really special place,

and that morning I wanted to see it for myself.

There was just one problem.

Look, I'm sorry, Ted, but-but

I can't in good faith send a lonely guy like yourself

to the top of a very romantic,

and more to the point, a very tall lighthouse.

I don't want your blood on my hands,

and I mean that literally, because it would be my job to...

to hose down the rocks.

Now, late the night before,

thanks to Marshall's travel companion, Daphne,

Lily had received some unsettling news.

I'm gonna be a judge.

Screwing up their whole plan to move to Italy.

She wasn't happy.

Yes, I'm in a rotten mood.

No, I don't want to talk about it.

Yes, this has booze in it.

No, it's not my first.

You want to make this brunch a drunch?

You do you, I'm not gonna judge.

I'm gonna be a judge.

Judge.

Thank you, Linus.

As for Marshall and Daphne,

they got caught in that big storm.

Luckily, they had a place to crash for the night.

My childhood home.

Okay, that sign might not have been there.

Thank you so much for letting us stay the night, Mrs. Mosby.

Oh, it's our pleasure.

I'm just glad that storm has passed. Oh.

But there's one storm that hasn't passed,

isn't there, Marshall?

Hey, Clint.

You know what I'm talking about, don't you, Marshall?

I'm talking about the one that's been raining

cats and dogs all over this-this, this friendship.

This isn't a friendship.

Oh.

Nice.

We're reluctant travel companions.

Well, little known fact about me.

I'm an almost-graduate

of the Conflict Resolution program over at... at Tri-C.

I even had my own practice at Van Aken Plaza

before the manager of the Wendy's

made me stop hogging the booth.

The point is, I can fix this.

Oh, I don't know, Clint.

Okay, you know what? We have to hit the road.

But, um, Mrs. Mosby, do you mind if I take this mug?

I would very much like

to make fun of Ted next time I see him.

Of course.

You know, when Ted was seven,

he and his best friend took this Wild West photo

together at Geauga Lake.

I could go look for it.

We really should get going.

His best friend was a balloon.

What's a few more minutes?

Yeah, you're gonna want that.

So... what's everyone doing this morning?

Oh, well, I kind of feel like playing some tennis.

Maybe we should reserve a court.

Court.

Thank you, Linus.

Pancakes and eggs, Robin?

I guess that blouse won't be loose and flowy for long.

Mom...

Keep talking, Loretta.

I've been waiting all morning to...

ketchup.

Oops.

You're not supposed to put ketchup on scrambled eggs.

Right, Loretta, because

you're the queen of scrambled eggs.

Actually, that's

exactly what she is.

When Mom was

a groupie in the '70s,

her scrambled eggs made her the darling of the MSG loading dock.

Lot of songs written about those scrambled eggs.

ZZ Top's "She's Got Legs"?

Originally "She's Got Eggs."

Led Zeppelin?

"Scramble On."

Steve Miller?

"The Yolker."

If you listen to Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon

while eating her eggs, it lines up perfectly.

While I'm sure it was your mother's cooking skills

that made her so popular with Zed Zed Top and their ilk,

I know for a fact

that she does not make the best scrambled eggs.

Because my mom makes the best scrambled eggs.

Kids, we've known your Aunt Robin

for eight years at that point,

and here's what we knew about her mom.

My mom is terrified of flying.

My mom got stung by a jellyfish.

My mom makes the best scrambled eggs.

And... that's everything.

In fact, she should be here any minute.

Barney,

maybe she can cook you some real scrambled eggs

so you can see what you've been missing.

Don't do this, Robin. You can't win the egg war.

Canadian scrambled eggs, how quaint.

Does your mom put maple syrup on them?

Ha, ha, ha, this is all very friendly.

: Get out of this now.

Why not? We put maple syrup on everything else.

Aw.

That's it!

We need your omelet station.

My son's fiancée is about to get served...

some delicious scrambled eggs.

Or I could go out to the driveway and eat some gravel.

Wait. Sorry. Did you say gravel or gavel?

Gravel. Why would I say gavel?

Gavel.

Thank you, Linus.

Curtis, can I please

have a map to the lighthouse?

It's a very romantic lighthouse.

I can't even have a map?

It's a very romantic map.

I can't let you go without a date.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

What happened to that girl Cassie? Cassie?

Cassie was the girl I'd spent

the entire previous night consoling.

Just consoling.

Yeah, that's not happening.

And then, in her anger,

Lily gave me a piece of advice

about which she would later say...

Oh, mama, that was some bad advice.

Okay, here's why you're an idiot.

Did you find Cassie attractive?

I guess. Is she a relatively normal height?

Yeah. So end up with her already.

God, do you really think

that you're gonna find some perfect girl

who checks off every item on your list?

Well, not every item.

I mean, she doesn't have to share my love for coins.

Although it would be nice, just once,

not to have to go stag to Coin-Con.

Pull your head out of your ass, Mosby.

Do you think Marshall always makes me happy?

I mean, sometimes being with him is a real trial.

Real trial.

Huh.

Did it to myself that time.

Look, Ted, it's time to settle.

Take this normal-sized chick up to the lighthouse

and fall in love with her

and quit bothering us with your dumb love life stuff.

God, I am so sick of being smarter than everyone else.

You're slipping, Linus.

We're running out of glasses.

Do you want to just go to the stupid lighthouse?

Ooh, zitch dog.

Cocker spaniel in the Jetta.

That's Marshall Eriksen-- 28,

Daphne-- zero.

For the 28th time,